The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I have to say that the past three days have been a total rollercoaster for me. I am not properly detatching...I can see that my emotions are still so plainly affected by my husband's behavior. Not matter how hard I try it seems to cloud my mind.
There was a point, I don't even remember when that I read a post (during my rollercoaster) and thought that I had made the most amazing realization and that all was good in the world. I felt like I had it all figured out. For a moment. It lasted a while and it was amazing, but I was pulled back down. The stomach ache, sore jaw, and emptiness was back full throttle. I feel helpless, confused, scared, angry, angry, and more angry. No matter how many times I seem to forgive and let go of these emotions, when something happens similar to what made me feel those things, the emotions come roaring back and I feel totally out of control.
I stop and ask myself...is this what my life is going to be like? Is this what I signed up for? If I stay with my husband, my beloved A, is this what my future holds? I know, I need to work on myself and make myself happy. There are days, times, that I am, but it is the rollercoaster that I feel like I can't handle. One day I'm up, the next I'm down. What sucks is I don't even the same thrill I get on a rollercoaster. Well the feeling like I'm going to throw up is a commonality I suppose.
Anyway, now I am just rambling. I appreciate all of your kind words and posts that have been made over the past three days. You are complete strangers yet I feel like you all understand and know me more than any of my family and friends. You have truly made your mark on me and I keep coming back for more. I feel less lonely knowing that you are all out there, somewhere. I hope that I can help you as much as you have helped me.
In the detatchment department, it takes TIME and practise. I remember I had to pretend an awful lot to "detatch" while inside I was raging and in terrible pain. One thing I learned in Alanon is that behavior changes thoughts/attitudes. It's the old AA adage "act as if". Whether you believe it or feel like it . . . before long, the thoughts and feelings "follow" the behaviors. That was true for me.
But I could not live day in and out with my ex's active disease. There were abuse issues that couldn't be tolerated. Not every A has those though.
Second thing, just work the program to the best of your ability, get a sponsor and work it. Your future may look very different with a few months of meetings and fellowship under your belt. Things that aren't clear will be more clear, for instance. Like how much you are willing to put up with.
He he, it's like a roller coaster and an evil Haunted House ride all in one, isn't it? But you CAN get off. It takes practise and immersion in the Alanon stuff to reorient your mind away from the alcoholic and their behaviors. You're well on your way! And what you are experiencing now . . . I believe it's pretty universal. You aren't alone!
yes, I hit the ground running when I started Al anon this summer, wanting to fix things quick. First I had to figgure out I needed to fix me not everyone else, then the next thing I have learned is it is a process, like they say. Detaching properly means something different to me now then it did just a few months ago.
It's the ebb and flow, more like rocking than a rollercoaster for me now. I detached with love well that time; ok- breathe, how can I detach this one, oh yah; then all of sudden I've jumped right in to the muddle, with automatic reations; back to thinking, just wait to see what happens and I detached again really well........................ process not perfection. Learning more each time I do better and each time I don't. It's been an awakening and easy to slip back to darkness and fighting the 'it is what it is' But there is more chances to keep hope alive as I keep trying to do the best I can today.
Wishing you hope one day at a time hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Keep working at it and it will all come in the right order and time. Answers come when we are most ready to receive them. You don't have to get all the answers RIGHT NOW! I know that's hard because I tend to want it NOW too. But I remind myself that I am right where I am suppose to be. Glad you're with us. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
So glad you have found us. I, too, stumbled upon this board last year in the midst of a horrible relapse with my husband, and found such caring words and it seemed just what I needed to hear. Please come back for support here, you will definitely get it. It is unbearable at times to live with this disease and what it does to our loved ones.
Don't worry too much about detaching "properly" just yet. Try to read up on it more, and practice is the key. It is SO hard at first. It is so foreign. But, you will get it. And you will feel better. It seems in looking back I am so much stronger than I was a year ago. This program and its tools were all new to me. I promise you, though, if you follow it and just be easy on yourself, you will learn to live a life that is so rewarding, and you will learn to be happy with yourself, regardless of what someone else is doing. It will get so much better, I promise.
