The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH came over on Friday after work. I was extremely upset b/c our 14yo son got into trouble again at school. The Friday before he got busted for leaving school after lunch and skipping his last 2 classes. This past Friday he got into trouble for having multiple verbal altercations w/a group of 9th graders. Apparently these boys are following my son around, talking smack and threatening to jump him and so on. Well, my son doesn't take to that very well and kept daring them to throw the 1st punch. This scares me b/c he is a month shy of achieving his black belt in karate and he could really hurt someone w/out much effort. I truly believe this. Anyway, by Friday, they had several run-ins and a teacher got involved in and put them all in In School Detention.
Needless to say, I am not handling this very well. My son seems to continue to make the wrong decisions, hang around the wrong crowd and defend the bad kids, saying they aren't bad, just going through tough times. HE SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE HIS FATHER!!!! AND I HATE THAT!!!!
So my AH came over to help me talk to our son. He showed up w/a dozen pink roses. They were beautiful. He said he just wanted to cheer me up and gave me a huge hug. Later he thought he was going to get "lucky". Well, it didn't go as he had planned and he got mad and went home. SUPPOSEDLY.
He was supposed to work all day Sat but I have no proof of that happening. I called his cell phone around 7:30 PM and he answered saying he was just now getting back in his truck. We talked for a few minutes and I told him he could call me when he got home to talk to the kids. HE NEVER CALLED.
Then Sunday he was supposed to come over and cut my grass. I can do this myself but he insists so whatever. He didn't show. He usually shows up around 7:30 in the morning but nothing. I gave him until 12:15 or so in case he went to church w/his grandma. She called me around that time and said she hadn't seen him or heard from and wondered if I knew where he was. I told her all I knew and then called his cell. It was immediately transferred to voice mail or paging so I paged him. I was thinking to myself "This is not a good sign". He called me back 10 min later and sounded different. Not drunk just different. He dodged my inquiry about where he was and said he'd meet me at his grandma's. I was already suspecting he had gone and gotten high by this time. And when I got to his grandma's it pretty much got confirmed by his behavior.
He got there 15 min before me, said hi to his grandma and crashed in her recliner where we could hardly wake him up to say hi. He barely acknowledged the kids. Then he didn't move for hours. We all decided to go get something to eat and miraculously he woke up. He said he'd go with us until he found out we were just going to Wendy's for burgers and not to a nice restaurant. I am thinking "Hmm so you'll go w/us to eat an expensive meal we will have to pay for but when it comes to a cheap meal, forget it". Well NONE of us had money to spare anyway so it was fine that he didn't drag his cranky butt w/us. When we got back he had gone to get a sandwich from Wawa and was awake watching tv. He was so cranky. He fussed at our son for needing a hair cut and rode his butt for some other unnecessary stuff that he usually ignores. I decided it was time to go. So I left.
I haven't a clue if he went to work today or not. I emailed my MIL to see if he did but haven't heard anything back. That tells me she isn't at work and is probably at home depressed b/c something has upset her. More than likely, they had it out after I left last night.
Now why should this behavior surprise me in the least??? I should have known it was coming. He has ALWAYS managed to screw up important days for me and this coming Saturday I have plans to go out for a "Girls Night Out" w/my sisters and mom. He is supposed to watch the kids for me. I should have known better than to make plans that depend on him. Even if he has been clean for a year, I bet he would screw up just when I need him for something. It is just the way he is. Now I have to figure out what to do with my kids so I don't have to cancel my plans.
Arrgggg. It is so frustrating. I am feeling my anxiety creeping up and I am so sick to my stomach I think my lunch may make a second appearance. Yuck!
I feel like this a great deal about the A. I have had to let go. Everything he does is a disaster it is too much for anyone to deal with. The A used to have periods where he regrouped and improved. He has progressed so far he no longer improves. He is a menance to everyone around him.
I am sad for you that you have to deal with this. Please be kind to yourself. Do all you can to reduce stress. For some of us that means avoidint the A at al costs.
one of the problems with addiction is it is so noisy that we lose contact with ourselves. i hope you can make a little space for yourself. maybe some one will have better feedback for you, all i can say is easy does it and take care of yourself as best you can. florrie
Well I can say a few things with certainty. He didn't get drunk in reference to "girls night out." He didn't get drunk in reference to Grandma & church. I have a feeling what went through his mind was "I can't believe she said no! She said no! Can't she see how much I've changed? Can't she see I'm different? That I'm back? That I'm the same guy she married? That I'm a dad now? [This is the important part, take notes here] Can't she see that I'm back? Can't she just go back to acting like it was the good ol days? What's wrong with her? [this is the part where I would recommend getting a highlighter out] I'll show her. Fine. That's fine. She wants a drunk for a husband, I'll be a drunk. I'll get drunk. Just you watch lady. You watch. I'll be completely wasted. I'll be blown to the core. Watch me." And he did. But there was a glitch to his plans. You didn't suffer as much as he did. He found out that, contrary to alcholic belief, you had a plan on hand. You, and the kids, and the family, have done quite well without him. You, and the kids, and the family, have done pretty okay while he's been persona non grata. You, and this is what's getting him here, you have survived AND thrived without his permission, blessing, supervision or anything else. So when you called he wasn't just nursing a hang over. He was nursing the fact that, god darn it to hell, you were more than a quasi capable human being. You are a supremely capable human being. An adult darn it. And that means that he's the one holding the bag. He's the one that's got the issues. He's the one that's accountable. So now, he's got to take a long look in the mirror. Because he's finally seeing exactly where his drinking and drugging has taken him. His kids are a wreck (you did say that your son is skipping school, right?), his wife has moved on and carved out a life seperate from him (so that means, at least at this moment in time, the marraige is not really there), his parents feel...how do they feel? And he sure did show you. He is a drunk.
Focusing on your son may be a start, my son went thru those exact emotions, to the point of refusing to just go to school....he was angry all the time and never laughed...I just wanted to see him smile....for a long while he didn't.
Teenage years are emotional enough, living with addiction is more than most of us adults can even handle.....
Give him time....help him to stay on the right path.....
As for this disease, I am baffled....it is up to the addicted person to get it right...afterall it took death for my husband to be sober...........................
Yes, just when you might need him to do something, he screws up, been there and bought the tee shirt. I have to second plan everything, and its a pain in the a**. If they are not getting gold medals every minute of the day, its all futile for them. You're doing great and I hope your plans work out for you for your girls night. My fourteen year old is acting out too, not so bad in school but a horror at home, very disrespectful towards me, and of course ex- a is thriving on that, perhaps not, but he's starting to piss me off big time.
As a former teenage boy.... don't give up! He needs your good example and your controlled strength. He will remember that, I sure did. Boys his age are stuck in the middle of wanting to be a child and be taken care of, and being a man who can manage his affairs and be in control... It's very confusing and frustrating for them.
You said "HE SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE HIS FATHER!!!! AND I HATE THAT!!!!" I see similarities in my kids and my wife, and it helps me to think of it the other way. My wife seems to act just like her 12 year old son. I don't like it like that either... but your son is not doomed to be like his father... he might grow up and grow out of that stage. *smile*
Hang in there and keep doing what you are doing, work on your side of things and be a good example of how life can be lived... I am so glad you are here, these are tough times but we are all here for you.
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I agree with rtexas (except I'm not a boy) I was a girl wanting to be a woman but also wanted to be taken care of like a child too. It was a VERY confusing time. I'm really proud of your son. I can't believe he got in trouble at school. He did the right thing. He didn't hit, he used his words. I can't blame him though if it gets to that point. He has to do something.
I think we have to give our children more credit then thinking they might grow up and be like their fathers. I mean, they will to a point. It's only normal. But the "bad" characteristics we have the power to help them change those. Your son is watching you and how YOU react to his father. He's learning what works and what doesn't. You both seem to be in the same situtation. You both have people trying to harm you emotionally, what can you do with that?? Maybe voice your opinion to the person, set boundaries, and take care of yourself because you are BETTER then the other people???.
The panick attacks from the ah's relapses are not fun. God, I hope your ah is not doing that. It does sound like he is from your explanations :( I went to my dr for lack of sleep because of my ah's relapse and he told me when I think about it to blow it off, not give it another though, think of something else. So that's what I am trying really hard to do.It's not real easy at 4am. I hope you try it too.
We have to put our children first, they don't need to know adult problems especially about their own father. Lift up your son and tell him how proud you are that he didn't hit. You are a powerful role model. Look what we've already been through. lol
Good luck sweets. We are here for you. Well......I'm part way here. lmao!
EEK! I would say from my experience that I expect the A never to change or stop and if he does it's a happy surprise rather than the other way around. As for your son, I'm not sure what to say about that, didn't you say he was 14? Isn't he capable of watching the others? My 13 yo daughter frequently watches the other two when I have to go out and has kept them late several times. Actually, this thurs and fri I have to work late and she will be watching them after daycare. She is perfectly capable of keeping them although they may not listen to her like they would another adult, still everyone eats sleeps and lives! The boy might be wanting responsibility and kids usually live up to what we expect of them, if you expect him to do a good job he will. Anyway, that's just my opinion, I don't know your son so it's hard to say. Sorry he did that but after all, that IS why you divorced him... Sometimes I think it's amazing how we can continue to be surprised by their choices even when they make the same ones over and over.
I just wanted to add something after reading Carolina girl's share. I am also at the place of not expecting anything from the A. I have to say it is a painful, really nasty place to be. I have got there because the A ruined every single thing he did. He's crashed cars, been homeless, ruined everywhere he promised and demanded and promised. I kept hoping and hoping and hoping he would turn around he never did. I don't envy you but I have to say I am there I expect absolutely nothing from the A anymore. I totally expect him to remain the same for ever. Expecting him to act normal is a set up.
