The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was pondering something today. If you could flip a switch and everyone you know... have history with, problems with... or even everyone you have ever known... just disapeared, how would you be? This is my stupid question, so I get to make up my own rules... and the only rule is you don't have to be lonely. :)
No boss that's a big dumb jerk, no lady at the cash register of the local market who has known you forever so keeps butting into your business. No neighbors who you have to impress with how you handle anything, no friends telling you what you "should" do...
And of course the alcoholics and those effected by being around them were all ... I don't know, maybe on a cruise together for a few years....
How would you be? And are you sure?
I think many of us... including me, have had the thought that if so-n-so would just get their stuff together, my life would be better. Maybe that person does, and maybe they don't... but there is always someone, right?
A year ago, I would have lied to myself and said I would be just fine... heck better than fine. I needed the excusses of others chaos to explane why I felt so screwed up inside... Otherwise, it was all on me.
Today I am working very hard to be fine even if others are causing chaos.
I am trying to be fine even when my friends and family are in pain, cause as you have shown me, that offers hope.
I am trying to be fine even when there is nobody around and thoughts of my past (good and bad) come blasting in. I can look at them... enjoy the good ones and learn from the bad ones, but I don't have to feel every bad memory.
I am getting pretty good at some of those, and it gives me a peace inside that all the wishing everything was different... just didn't give me.
And for me... its not just the concious decission to "be fine". It is the decissions I make about those situations that I used to not be able to make before. Walk away from the chaos, politely tell nosy check out girl it's none of her business with a smile. Those changes in me... helps me be fine these days.
I have also made some deals with my HP lately, and I am finding them to be working out rather well.
The biggest was just a few days ago... I had a case of the guilts that just would not quit. In tears I literally walked outside and said ok.... I have had it. I will take the responsability for every thing I do in this world, but I need you to take this guilt. I just can't take it any more.
It was a good trade... *smile*
With that so far.... I have only 2 things that I have successfully "let go and let God", so sufice it to say my God box doesn't need to be very big yet. LOL
I will keep working on that. I hope you all are doing well (if not fine...), and know you are in my thoughts and prayers every day.
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
yeah, If everyone else would just leave me alone so I am free to work on myself without any interference I would be perfect. And then, I would be able to deal with all those people! What a great idea. Why don't "they" cooperate with what I need? LOL! I like this what if. My choices, My reactions, My responsibilty. I have to work this program in spite of life. But I don't want to be F.I.N.E. That is what I am trying to avoid. I can't ever remember what it stands for but I remember it's not good!
It has happened to me. Due to going along with my exA's wishes and moving to Nowhere, Idaho to be isolated beyond my wildest dreams :D, then getting rid of HIM, I have absolutely no one at all bothering me. No one. At least for a while.
Hmmm, what's it like? Well, I'm sincerely glad not to have the chaos. That is very nice, it does "work" to eliminate a source of chaos from your life. I don't believe the sources stay away forever, and new ones come in, but for now, yeah, it does what I *thought* it would do. There is peace. And a few other bennies, like freedom and all my energy for myself, etc.
It really does throw absolutely everything I thought "belonged" to the ex or other botherers back on me where it belongs. I did get clarity on what's mine and what isn't.
It's exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. I'm not sure I *like* it the way I thought I would when I wished it, but I sure do value it.
I think I'll have better insight after they all come back from their cruise as to what it's meant to me on a deep level to have all the botherers gone. It's only been four months, just long enough to start feeling human again. And THAT'S a whole other story.
Okay....so I think that you have just helped me realize something that is so important in recovery. No matter what is going on around you, you have to be happy with you or else nothing matters.....I took a moment to imagine my life without my A. At first it was blissful. I was joining many people on a cruise with what I thought was no worries. But I started to realize that I still had all of my issues. I am not sure if you were trying to make that point or not, but it was extremely powerful for me. I am suddenly ready to take on myself and not worry about my A's issues. I feel relieved and free for the first time in God knows how long. I think I finally understand the thought behind the words "Courage to Change". I think I need to go back and reread a lot of material. I am certain that it will mean much more to me now.
Just nosing around and saw the "what if...." header and thought of my past sponsor who guided me with, "If you're gonna do the what if thing, in order to have balance you gotta do the, what if nots." Great sponsor.
When I learned to love myself I could be alone and never feel lonely. I could also be in a multitude of people and still not feel lonely.
Great post! I have often thought of this, would I change a thing in my life? After many years of thinking about it, the answer is NO. I would not change a thing in my life. I am who I am because of the people, places and events that have taken place in my life. Some have asked me would I wish that I still have my parents around. Of course I do, but then would I be the same person? Probably not. I have to believe that things happen for a reason, but I'm right where I am suppose to be at this place and time.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Very deep thoughts!!! I hate chaos, but I have found that I don't really know what to do with myself if I am not solving a crisis. So, although I say I hate it, I don't know how to function without it. Sick ain't it????!! I actually like quiet and being alone, but I'm not sure I could do without some people being in my life--my ah being one of them. Sure there are some things that would be so much simpler, but I'm sure that would just magnify something else I would need to work on.
"if IFS and BUTS were candies and nuts, every day would be Christmas"
Wow.. that one hit home today, if only because I am in a reflective mood today after attending my 30th high school reunion this past weekend.... I definitely believed, when I left my A-wife over five years ago, that if I left, that my life would get better....
Well.... I suppose it has, but not to the extent that I had thought..... I think I am a shining example of "wherever I go, there I am".... I struggle with relationships, and fully giving myself over to and/or committing to people, a HP, or whatever. I've had some amazing people come into my life, and yet I don't let anyone "fully" in..... I can't quite explain why, but I think it is "stunted growth", that I am struggling, even internally, with continuing to blame the alcoholic for..... There has to be a time, when I take accountability and responsibility for my life and where/who I am.... If I am lonely, then it's up to ME to do something about it.... If I am angry, then it is MY anger.... if I am sad, then I own this sadness.... I have a tendency to still "long for what I don't have" instead of appreciating what I DO have.
It's a frustrating process, to be sure....
T
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Hi Rt . your God box reminded me of an article in one of our old forums and is something I have used ever since . I too put everyone and everything in the God box that I had no control over for yrs , but unfortunatley I kept digging in and taking them out for one more try . hehe The article caught my eye because of the cartoon accompanying it , was God box being dumped upside down and little people falling out , the writer explained that she finally realized that everyone in that box had thier own HP , the next cartoon showed her climbing into the box and closing the lid . She was the only one who belonged in that God box . In my mind I have done the same thing I need alot of help and my HP needs space to work on me sooooooooo I am the only one in that box . this has worked for me for the last 19yrs . I pray for my loved ones and know that thier HP will take them where they need to go with out any interference from me . Louise
aka Looking for Peace
