The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
my son has alot of issues right now-- cant keep a job - lost his car- cant follow house rules-.drinks and some drugs- my husband his stepdad of 20yrs. does not want him here anymore. has kicked him out several times- after 2-3 weeks i let him back in and the crap starts again. - its like is the problem the hate my hub has for my son or the love i have for him- i cant help my son get back on his feet if my hub is always putting him down-- gets made at me for letting him stay here.and then i fight with both of them. i think the best thing for my son getting on the right track again is for him to be here. hub says hes leaving if my son is going to live here. my hub is a binge drinker- every other fri. night is his habbit. so he also drinks- but he works- my son doesnt. but i get so fed up i want to leave my home myself- with my 15yr.old daughter and my dogs. it would be tight and my hub cant keep house on his own income --but he wont say anything positive to my son and hasnt in 2-3 yrs. my son doesnt understand what he did to him- but that my hubs issue- he deals with it by- only talkng to my son when my son has made him mad. well i got fed up with my son breaking the rules coming in at 2am- and just not doing anything for himself- i told him not to come back here drinking and not to do anything besides lood for a job- while im at work. he wont work at a fast food hes a machanic- but lost every job around here. so hes out of the house on my terms- stays here and there on foot- carries a duffle bag-- has alittle money from the sell of his car . its been 3 weeks hes not doing any better. i really want him here to give him peace of mind again he says family ditched him when he ditched down as far as he can get- how do i know if the choices r right that ive made - how long should i let this go on-???? ive been dealing with this for 2 yrs.--PLEASE GIVE ME ADVICE
No wonder you just want to run away - pulled in different directions by the wishes and actions of these two people.
I can't tell you what to do, that's not how we work here. Expereience has shown us, though, that 'helping' a person who has a drinking or drug problem usually is not the best way to go. They need to experience the consequences of their drinking and drugging - no money, ruined relationships,unhappiness - in order to get themselves into recovery. Hard to watch, when it is someone you love, and hardest if it is your child. As long as your son knows that he can always run to you when he screws up, though, he will have no incentive to stop screwing up.
You don't have to be the go-between for your husband and your son. You can refuse to talk about this with your husband - tell him if he has something to say to your son, he can say it to him and leave you out of it. They are both adults - their relationship with each other is none of your business, just as your relationship with either is none of theirs. A lot of this you really can just put down - it is not your burden. You can't 'fix' your son, you can't make the two of them get along, and you don't have to keep trying.
Welcome. Alanon is for you, not for the drinkers in your life. You can say anything you need to say, you can use whichever of our tools seem to help. We all know what it is like to live with this insanity, and we are learning, each in our own way, to get off the rollercoaster.
Welcome to Alanon. Yes, you've found the right place. My heart is breaking for your plight because I am the mother of 3 sons (22 1/2, 21, and 19 1/2). Thank you God they are not alcoholics. By practicing this program myself for 7 years now, I believe they have learned so much by my example. When I began, they did not want to go to Alateen. That was ok, but I kept coming.
This is what I was told when I wanted to find help:
1. Get to meetings at least once a week (I found two worked for me). 2. Share your story at meetings. Let them know you are a newcomer. 3. Read daily literature including One Day At A Time in Alanon and Courage to Change in Alanon (I highly recommend both of these and any other literature with daily affirmations that you can get you hands on -- you can get them really cheap at amazon.com). 4. Get a sponsor and work the 12 steps -- Paths to Recovery is the book I used. 5. Call your sponsor often to get out of your own head. Often we let this disease rent non-stop daily space in it and we can't seem to get out of our own way.
Let them know you are a newcomer. You may find that you will cry at the beginning of attending meetings. It's soooooooo ok, us veterans expect that. You will find help. You need to share.
best wishes in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Rebjohn, welcome to MIP. You have a really chaotic situation here! I'm sure you are exhausted on all fronts. Fortunately or unfortunately, your situation is COMMON in families dealing with alcoholism and drugs.
Get yourself to some Alanon meetings, if your husband will go that would be great, but he does NOT have to go for the Alanon program to help.
It's hard to say what will happen to your lives once you start working the program, getting some education about alcoholism, learning about our little box of "tools", etc. Like Lin says we don't operate on giving advice. But we will gladly support you, listen to you "vent" your feelings, and tell you our stories so you know you aren't alone. Our stories and experiences may help clear the fog for you and help you see what you need to do to best support your son, your husband and daughter, but mainly, YOURSELF.
All that WILL HELP YOU.
There are quite a few folks on this board who are here b/c of alcoholism in their children, and many more out in the face to face meeting population.
I'm glad you came by our little corner of internet land! Post, ask more questions, no question is silly or wrong, we're here for you!
welcome. you are in the right place, everyone who comes here has lived the chaos of addiction, you will recieve acceptance no matter what you feel. this program works, there are no certainties in life but the program works if you work it. i have been relieved of the worst of my fears and stess by learning from the program. i still have some bad days but nothing like the nightmare i was surviving in the past. you are in my thoughts and if you dont mind i will pray that you recieve the improvements you need in your family.
My daughter at 21 or 22 was accepted into a sober living facility through our state or county. She lived there 6 months and it did wonders for her. She could have been there up to a year and a half but was ready to go on with her life. These are places where they are required to work but have very low rent. They have very strict rules but alot of support. Your state may have other resources out there. I found that when my daughter needed these resources she was not able to check them out so with the help of a former treatment person as she had relapsed, she was accepted. As a mom, I would check into options and present them to her. It is up to them, but sometimes a place where he can have his own room and job will get him motivated to work his program and stay clean. This is just how this happened with my daughter who is now 23, sober for one year since June, got her degree in June and is going to have a baby girl in October. She is on her own as the dad is out of the picture via protective order. He is still drinking and very controlling. My daughter did however need 3 treatment programs before finally going into this sober living home. WE also got her on our insurance for 2 more years under special circumstances that addicts can easily fit into. One was not having an ability to keep a job, one was depression diagnoses and can't remember other. It is worth checking into also. But, the decision is in your sons' hands. At least he will know you care and are fighting for him and believe in him too. cdb
