The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The addict is in complete control of the group. Like a magician they make everyone look over here and pull the trick off over there. The group is entertained and happy. But I see all the slight of hand. I hear the hallow ring in every promise uttered from the addicts lips. I am not happy or entertained. I am mad, I am hurt, I am scared. I know the secret. I know that at any moment the whole thing can fall apart and the calm cool magician will turn into that insecure little man behind the curtain. Angry and viscous, lashing out at me for pulling the curtain away and exposing the truth of it all. And the crowd will turn to me and hiss. Because, I ruined it for everyone. Exposing the trick is not supposed to be a part of the show. And they will yell, "Play nice", and "don't be cruel". They don't look closely enough to see the illness, or the disfunction. They just want to have fun. We all play a part. I am the bad guy. and the only way I can see, to change that, is to put the script down and walk away from the theater.
The bad guy is not supposed to win. No happy ending for me.....
Sorry, but you are NOT the bad guy. You are just you a human being who is dealing with unreasonable things. And I don't think it's that the elephant is invisible, it's just that everyone pretends it's not there. I walked away from the theater but the show had gone from a magic show to something looking more like a horror flick. Anyway, I hope that you don't blame yourself for things that are completely out of your control. The only thing you can control is you.
I totally relate, Cheryl. My exA (you might say I walked out in the middle of the show) is a super charming, witty, intelligent man. He pours it on thick, and I have never not seen someone fall for it. We moved to a little town two years ago, and he's very extraverted so was out socializing a lot at first. When he relapsed on meth and booze and whatever pills he could get, everyone was SHOCKED.
I wasn't. He didn't pour on the charm at home. I knew him, KNOW him like no one else does. How could anyone who doesn't live day in and out with the A know them and experience them like we do? Or the kids? He was verbally and emotionally abusive at home, and threatened my physically many times. Part of my "dilemma" with this was that I felt NO ONE would believe me, he'd even schmoozed the local sheriffs.
Now that he's gone, I've gone through wishing I could go around and TELL everyone what a fake Wizard he is, what he did to me. Something held me back from doing this (probably latent sanity) except with two close acquaintances.
I KNOW what he is like, and as my sanity returns, I don't need anyone else's approval or agreement that my ex is an abusive, angry man. I lived with him for seven years. I am an expert on him!
They don't see it because he doesn't show it to them. Give yourself credit for your observations. The disease makes us feel crazy, but we are truly NOT crazy.
also they don't see it because they don't want to see it = denial. a couple of my kids went through some tough mental health issues and were able to see the invisible elephant and stop being in denial long before I did
I didn't want to see the elephant because what would that mean, how would that affect me and our family etc etc and all the other insane excuses of denial Also I gave my power away to the A so I agreed with some of his ill thinking like it is dis respectful to talk about him (or things about him) in front of our kids.... even in family therapy - wait, that doesn't sound right. hmmmmm.... Finally, I too saw the invisable elephant and then thought I was the bad guy my kids who saw the elephant first weren't the bad guy and I am not either
those who matter will know we aren't the bad guy and the rest will never understand unless they live with it. Thank God we have this MIP family as in laws, siblings, friends will never understand completely how sick the A is and how sick we became by trying to hide the invisable elephant from our children, ourselves and everyone.
You are not alone. Keep posting and glad you are here! Thanks for reminding me of all the power I once gave to my A.
hugs, ddub
-- Edited by ddub at 16:23, 2007-09-27
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
LOL christy!!! Yeah, but then everyone will blame everyone else for the smell insted of just cleaning it up! At least that's what happens in my family!
I can so relate. My ex is already firmly ensconced in a very wealthy family right here in my little village. He has everyone fooled. My dad saw thru him from day one but never told me. He did in little ways but he always knew that if he came down on my ex he (my dad) might lose me. I helped the man behind the curtain. I was the assistant who knew exactly how all the tricks were done. You're right on that when I came out with how the tricks were done and what REALLY went on behind the curtain everyone booed. I was hated to. So, I had to walk away. I tried and no one wants to listen so what can I do? I can walk away and live a real life. Not like a puppet with a crazy man pulling the strings. I have always disliked magic shows. I never understood the draw.
The elephant can't hide that smell forever. If the crowd covers it up, eventually it will step in it's own poop as it ambles around the area. Poop between the toes doesn't smell as bad as a steamy pile but it is detectable as it wafts around.
(Geez, now we have healing compared to scrubbing floors and alcoholism compared to elephant poop.)
Alcoholics just can't be ignored forever. Either they act irratically or get very ill from the disease and "magically" get sclerosis of the liver.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Elephant crap is really smelly, PeeeUUUweeeee..