The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It happens time and time again. Late this summer after my surgeries and having my AHsober tell me he didn't feel anything compassion for me, I said enough is enough. I am not going to make an effort to talk to him, cooperate, or call him about our sons. So of course he shows up for a tournament where my whole family is watching my niece play. It is my mom's 85th birthday so my sister buys all of us shirts including my AH. We are all decked out in our shirts at the game having a good time. We all go out to supper with the team and family and friends. He gets to be a part of this. My sister put all of our last names on the shirts including his. He has never been excluded even after he says he wants a divorce (I question why my family treats him so well considering what he says and does to me - but that is another issue). After the supper, we switched cars. I said isn't neat that you are included in this fun event. I said why dont you include us in some of your events like golf, etc. He blew up and said this conversation is going nowhere (how many times he has said that) and I am leaving. Again, I make up my mind that I am wasting my time with man.
I find out later that my AH gave our son money and I had said no way. He calls and says I gave our son money. I said why are you telling after the fact - both you and the son lied about it. So again I resolve that I have had enough. I didn't say it to anyone or write it in my journal.
Monday I drove home from my physical therapy appointment. It is almost 2 hours away. I took a route that I normally never take. He drives by me at the red light. I just looked at him as if I was looking at a stranger thinking I can't even call him.
Tuesday he calls and says I am in town if you want to talk. I have no idea what this means. I saw him between classes and he said I want to apologize for what I said the other day (after the game). I said that is how you talk to me all the time. He said well I just react to your wall. He said well maybe we can get together next week and talk about how we can communicate better. I said ok.
This happens time and time again. I think enough and there he is. They call it that alcoholic radar. They seem to know when we are about to can them. Oh well, I need to think about talking to him. I know I will be talking to the disease and I will try to stay out of my disease.
Funny how true that is. They just know, I think they always think their jig is up when they do something stupid expecting us to be like normal people and say screw you I'm done with you and then they schmooz up at the last minute. Thank god for jail and prison! For giving me a chance to be away from all that convincing talk and see things for how they really are.
I guess as far as your family is concerned I'm wondering if you have talked to all of them and told them how that makes you feel? Also, his undermining your authority with your son that would have really gotten my goat! That money would have been gone into my hand as quickly as it had entered his! LOL
I am right there with you on this one. I know exactly how you are feeling w/that radar crap. Just when I have had enough of the BS and I am ready to cut my AH completely from my life, WHAM - he turns himself around, turns on that charm, bends over backwards to help me with the kids and bills and house chores, he is always around. He blurs that line that I drew. Then when he has me hook, line and sinker - WHAM, he disappears again and leaves me hanging again. It sure does make for an extremely confusing and unsettling life.
Good luck w/your "meeting". Do a little soul searching before going and see if you can figure out what you really want and expect from this talk you are going to have. Then hopefully, if you know what you want to happen, it will happen for you. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
My exA really upped the ante when I detatched. It's like their disease gets energy from our emotions (esp the bad ones, in my experience). He tried being more demonstrative and "loving", mostly just words, which got my hopes up, but as soon as I was "back in", the same old stuff came back.
When I got sick of it, like you are, it was like the well was poisoned and nothing he could do or say could get me "back in". He sort of fell apart. It's like he needed me to be there, angry and hurt and reacting to him.
I also wouldn't accept his comment about it being YOUR fault he talks to you negatively . . . it's his CHOICE to do so. If he can't accept that it is HIM that decides how to talk to you, not how you act, there ain't much to say.
I like to call Alanon people PEOPLE WITH BIG ANTENNAES
Reading what some nice people here wrote I immediately saw myself in these situations.
nmike wrote that her husbad was manipulative and uncaring and threw little scenes when no one was around except her. it reminds me so much of the guy i dated for about a year. his name was marck and he would do all those things. i always had compassion for him and wanted to help him but he made every single event a torture.
i remember one time we went to a rock concert in santa fe new mexico and i was so excited and had got a new dress and felt happy and we where leaving with me driving and paying for the tickets of course. when he suddenly exclaimed how hungry he was and we stopped for some fast food but this escalated by him into an hour long rant about his general unhappiness with me finally crying uncontrollable
we finally made it to see the Cowboy Junkies and i cried so hard the entire time i could hardly enjoy anything, and he never said he was sorry or anything and fussinly ate his food and that was the day we broke up. even a big codependent like me had finally had it. i was in therapy at the time and i remember my therapist said with a person like that it would ultimately end in divorce. i was very offended she would take such a hard stance but now looking back how could it have ended any other way with a person like that. i was just glad i wasted only a year and not any longer.
sometimes being with this kind of person is worse than being alone because at least if i was alone in reality i have the chance of finding someone nice. when i am with a dork there is no chance aka junehouse
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One must always do what one thinks can not be done.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-
Another WOW this happens to others and must be another similarity of the insanity of communicating with an A.
In my case, I have been thinking that when I allow him to push my buttons, give my power to him so I believe untrue things he says about me, am reactive etc, he is just on the usual role and I get worn down. So then I build myself back up, impower myself with alanon tools, come to a decision and plan to act on it. When I see him next, I am stonger with my program and he reacts to that which doesn't allow him to push my buttons or get to me..... it seems to put him off balance and he becomes the charmer.
So it is back and forth all the time.....except I am hoping that the stronger I can recover, just maybe it will really be better for him, for me and utimately for us. Am I thinking right here? Does this apply to your A radars too? If so, then maybe we can use it to our advantage rather than our disadvantage. ??
Just wondering..... ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
