CG, I think you know me well enough that I can say this to you and have you understand I mean this in the kindest way ----- SO WHAT???

SO WHAT if he wants to see the kid the moment he steps out of prison?

SO WHAT if he had this and that demand, manipulative tactic, WHATEVER!!

You have all the power right now. You have an RO, if he contacts you, call the police. Notify your local police he is due out soon, about his history, show them the RO paperwork, and that you are "scared" . Maybe you are more annoyed and apprehensive than scared, but still.

He has no power over you. None. He is a supplicant!

I'm glad you are getting this out so we can all help you get to your strong place.

In his "defence", this guy has a LOOOONG way to go. Until he proves he is an upstanding citizen and has a modicum of responsibility, he doesn't need to get anything from you or the boy. You do not have to react when he says JUMP.

I totally understand where you are coming from. When someone, anyone, gets "demanding" my stomach goes into knots and I feel "compelled" to do something. It's just a feeling, or a thought, or whatever, but it means NOTHING. I don't have to react! I don't have to obey!

Especially such a broken down, semi dangerous guy you are divorcing anyway!

When my exA got out of jail with the RO, it took him a few tries to realize I was dead serious. It was scary, but I knew if I gave him ONE INCH he'd take a mile and back home he'd be. He's not well and neither is yours. His demands are his sickness, that's how important they should be.

I won't ramble on. Oops, I already did :D . Just remember who's boss here, OK?

Kim :)

Hey CG...
I second what Kim says... you're in charge here! I think informing the police in your area about the restraining order and him potentially showing up is a good idea also.

You're so much stronger now... you can do it!
Love, Artygirl

Well I have just told the A I was with to go to hell. His attempt to scam money from me for a rental car when I am in desperate need of someone to help me search the dog. The best he can come up with is to be here when the shelter is closed. Fat lot of good that is.

I am through with him.

I'm with others on SO what?

I feel like that.

They met none of our needs but seem to think the red carpet should be drug out for them.

maresie.

When my now sober AH first lost his job & got in an oui accident, I did all right at understanding he had to take care of his own stuff, but I had a LOT of anxiety about money.  How would the mortgage get paid?  Would we have to sell?  Should I start contacting realtors? What if he didn't get another job?

As others here have said, I was getting way ahead of myself.  What finally helped me was to decide what I was going to do FOR NOW.  In my case, there were some savings that could be used for the mortgage - I figured this qualified as the "emergency" I always insisted on saving for.  So I decided that I would use that money for six months, and in six months I would look at the situation again.  Then when I would start to panic, I could remind myself, do I have a plan for this? Yes I do.  Ok then, I can stick with my plan.  I can worry about this again in September (the end of the six months); for right now, I know what I'm going to do.

Whaddaya know - at the end of the 6 months, the problem resolved itself with a development that I HAD NOT THOUGHT OF.  If I HAD spent all that time obsessing, it would have been a comPLETE waste of time, because something completely outside my thoughts ended up fixing the problem for about 3 years (which are now about up; I'm having to remind myself of this experience about now!)

So my suggestion would be, first, you have a plan until March, with the RO.  Does the RO specify how he's supposed to make contact about seeing the kids?  Because I don't see how he's going to do that without contacting you.

Then I might actually write down some specific ideas, which I might use or not when the time came, but just having them, I think, would give me something to hold on to.  Examples:
-If the time comes when we agree on a meeting, I will suggest the park at xxxx. (or, Starbucks, or, McDonalds with the kids play area, or ChuckECheese - whatever is right FOR YOU.)  If he pushes for a meeting at the house, I will calmly say I'm not ready to do that right now.  I will repeat myself if necessary.
-If he asks for money or something else that's his job to provide for himself, I will say calmly, actually, I've decided it's important for me to give you the dignity of being responsible for taking care of yourself.  If he asks again, I will say, no, I'm sorry.  If he brings it up again, I will say, if it gets mentioned again, this conversation is over.  If he STILL brings it up again, I will (if on the phone), calmly say "goodbye", and even if he is in the middle of a sentence, I will hang up; (if in person), I will stand up, calmly say "goodbye", and walk away.
-If he starts arguing about needing to have our new address, I will say calmly, that has caused problems for me in the past, and I have decided not to put myself in that position again right now.  If he pushes, I will say calmly, actually, I already gave you my answer on that.
-when the time comes for meetings with our child, I will state up front that all meetings are conditional on his being sober.  I will explain this in advance to the child too, so if I have to cancel a meeting at the last minute, it will not be a surprise for anybody (no matter what they say).

For things that I think will be hard for me to remember when the time comes, actually practicing saying them out loud has helped me- it kind of starts to make a new path, so when the times comes, I have a better chance of staying on the new path, than if I have to clear all the underbrush at the same time.  It's almost like giving myself the opportunity to hear myself say it makes it more possible that I'll say it again when I really need it.

Well, this is kind of rambling, hope there's something here you can use.  I've been thinking about you & A's imminent release, I know it must be scary to have to think of having to deal with this again when you've been able to make so much progress without it in your face all the time.  Would it help to make yourself an actual toolbox of alanon tools that have helped you?  Something you can grab in a crisis, so you don't have to THINK of a tool, you can just open up the toolbox & see what's there?  Maybe a serenity prayer bookmark, a dust brush to remind you to keep your own side of the street clean, a gratitude list from when times are good, some of your favorite posts from in here... ???

And remember - reaching out for help is one of the best tools there is - don't be afraid to come here to scream if you need to.

Unless your RO has specific clauses like "he can call you", he is VIOLATING it, and so are you, if you speak to him. You can notify the police if he leaves a message on your phone, that is contacting you and in violation of the order.

Another so what for you: I know you've been in contact with him while in prison. Well, he was nicely contained. When he's out, he won't be. Don't forget the shenanigans he did to terrorize you before he was so nicely contained, he'll do it again and again.

Good grief, who cares what he thinks, or anyone else? I understand getting hung up on that, but it still isn't REAL. What's real is the safety and well being of you and your kids. Period! If anyone disagrees or calls you a beeotch, you know that person is a) misinformed or b) so codependent that they can't give you good advice.

If you are so sure he hasn't changed (besides he was in PRISON for kidnapping and drugs or whatever), why would you even CONSIDER letting him contact you?? You've worked so hard for this peace you have now. We're so used to reacting to our As . . . but we don't have to!

Be a "B" and be OK with it. We are.

The best way (I've found) to deal with a demanding, self centered addict without recovery is no contact at all, no letters, messages delivered by third parties, no nothin'. It frees your mind to continue with the new life you've forged out of this mess. And it gives him nothing to grab onto to hook you back in.

Remember (I'm sure you've told your clients this) the most dangerous times for the spouse of an abusive man is right after he gets out of jail/prison, or right after he "discovers" he can't manipulate you. Be very careful!

Kim

 If I had been protected as a child from the A in my life maybe...... My mother never even thought twice about protecting me from aism. In fact she put it in our livingroom and let it abuse me. No one swooped in and saved me. PROTECT your kid and DO NOT feel guilty about it. I am sure my kids will hate me for a bit for them not seeing their dad but when they are old enough to see the truth, that I was protecting them from an abusive, mentally ill crack addict I really pray that they will understand. I am giving them as much of my program as I can and I am doing it differently. I know it's his dad, so what. You are not keeping him from some fairytale prince who is going to add stabliity and unconditional love to his life. You are keeping him safe. In 6 months he may have his act together, for a minute. Long enough to creep in again and cause some chaos. Who knows? Play it all by ear. See what happens. And just for today, you don't have to do or NOT do anything.

WWOOOHHHH I HATE this disease!!!!!!!