The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So in our marriage class we did a personality survey and I discovered I am of the Helper Type. Of the traits described, it said that my type can be viewed as a pushover, that I need to learn to be more aware of my needs, how to say "no", to be more willing to confront, to share all of who I am, and to acknowledge that I am not responsible for the happiness of others. Anyone out there want to join me?
I must say it was nice to see the description on paper, because now that I see myself as more than flaws of character, perhaps I can make some changes. Here are just a few incidences this week that exemplfy this...
My son and niece go to school 30 min away. There are 3 families that carpool, however my niece is staying with us for a couple of weeks while her parents are gone, so the driving is between 2 families. For some reason, we have the bulk of the driving and this past week I overextended myself even more just so it would be convenient for the other family. She even offered to drive both ways one day and I said "no" and I was working, and have 2 other kids to juggle. Why?
Took my daughter and niece shopping with me today to purchase a few winter items for our 3 yr old who has outgrown everything. We are at Old Navy and my niece presents me with $90 worth of clothing (basic uniform stuff for school) saying she will pay me $45 she has and her mom (unbeknownst to her) will pay the rest. Now please don't misunderstand me, I love my niece dearly and I was actually planning on offering to buy her something, but when she handed me a pile of clothes, I don't understand why I just didn't tell her she could have one pair of pants and one shirt. Why do I feel compelled to say yes for the whole thing?
Tonight my husband comes over to watch our weekly Extremely Home Makeover. We had 6 kids here (our 3, niece, babysitting 2). We DVR'ed the show and started it late because we had to wait for him. When the show was over, he says goodnight to all and leaves me to deal with bedtime and all the kids. I know he was tired, busy doing his laundry and running back to take care of some things at the office, but I sure could have used the help, but I don't say a word. AAAAHH!!
In all these cases I got resentful, but I realize I set myself up. Can someone please encourage me that type of behavior can change with some more al-anon under my belt? I'be been going to f2f meetings for 6 mos now.
As a side bar, our youngest is starting to demonstrate some real personality changes. This is a child that has always been cautious, compliant and a pleaser. He has been described as "perfect" by others and up to this point has not been a challenge to parent. Well, that is changing, let me tell you! As he is approaching 3, I am seeing a morphing of his personality that is scaring me. At bedtime he was being defiant and refusing to stay in bed, which are totally new behaviors. I finally asked him "what is wrong?", to which he stared into space, got tears in his eyes and then gently said, "I want Daddy". Oh, it breaks my heart!
Thanks for being here to vent to.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
If I may ask a question. Pre alanon would you have had the awareness that you were really saying yes when you wanted to say no? Would you have realized that your own behavior was the source of much of your own resentments?
For me the answer to those questions was a resounding NO!
The program has provided me with the awareness. It has also provided me with the tools to say no more often. It has also provided me with the reminder that when I forget and do say yes, and follow through, to 1) accept my part in it and 2) be gentle with myself (again not something I do well all the time) about it.
Someone in one of my meetings shares that her spouse would tell her in recovery "You used to be nice" aka, you used to be a door matt. My A likes to put it in terms of..."all you ever think about is yourself" or "everything is about how it will affect you". Well yeah... I do think about myself and how something is going to affect me now, before I say yes or no.
One of the funniest healthy behaviors I've seen my kids pick up on is when someone asks in the house "Will you do me a favor?" 4 out of 5 of us now all answer the same way. "It depends". The old answer was almost always yes. I'd also say "What?" and of course sigh, huff and puff and then just do it. Now we find out what is being asked of us, think to see if it's something we are willing and able to accomplish and then answer.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
Your scenario about committing to drive the kids so as not to "inconvenience" the other family is SO FAMILIAR!! That's the kind of stuff that just pops out of my mouth. I mean it, truly, it gives me a nice feeling to do for others. Nothing "wrong" with that per se. But I also get very overwhelmed, resentful and to the point where if anyone asks me to do another things I feel like I'm going to scream. It's like I don't know when to stop. I don't feel I have the human "right" to NOT help or take on another's burden for them. That is my insight into my more dysfunctional expression of my "Helper" tendency.
I guess I also *expect* that others will be just like me and OFFER to be helpful, and when they do not, I've felt angry and put upon.
Many years a go my therapist turned me on my ear. He told me my compassionate nature and helpful tendencies were "a beautiful thing" that he admired, they were a gift. It made me see that being a Helper was something valuable but like anything else, over doing it defeated the purpose, especially if I felt resentment. I should choose to help, not feel compelled. Who's compelling me? Me. I was exhausting myself.
It's hard NOT to offer to help someone, it's still knee jerk for me, but I value my energies much more than I did. I need some of that energy for ME!
Just a little comment about your little boy . . . I hate to say this but a compliant three year old is kind of scary to me :D . Maybe he is feeling his oats (ie, more secure) to act out, irritating and annoying but probably more healthy for his development. Just my thoughts.
Not so much anymore! I usually try to say no unless it is something I really want to do and even then sometimes I have to say no because I used that thing as a reward for behavior for kids that didn't end up being up to par. I think my helping is on the decline and my focus on what's important and doing the right thing has gotten stronger. Especially in the arena of being the best mom I can be.
Does this word (helper) have no positive connotation in the class? Basically I agree with what your therapist told you years ago. Amazing, since I seldom agree with therapists!! I cannot see that is it always wrong to be a "helper." That is unless you are "helping" someone rob the First National...and then I think you are an "abetor." Maybe they should use a different term, like "patsy." And so...
Heard of the "terrible twos?" Yours is in the "terrible threes." I would not get all excited and haul him off to a therapist. I would recognize that he is gaining some independence and thinks he should have even more. His is the age when they can become a bit defiant because they haven't the verbal skills to converse with you on a higher level. Don't worry. Just be sure he remembers who is Mom here, and don't you become a doormat.
Best wishes,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Yes, there are some positive traits to being a "helper", Diva. How about nurturing, loyal, authentic, caring for others, value of unity and integrity in relationships...just to name a few. It is just about keeping it all in balance, I guess.
As for my little one, thanks for the reassurance. I probably wouldn't think so negatively about it if our family situation wasn't as it is. I spoke to my older two this morning (10 and 14) about our need to be positive models for him. It is going to take work from all of us.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Yes, I too am a helper. I guess I am more of a,um, enabler/martyr. I don't help alot. I don't get asked much. So, when I do get asked I just say YES! I am so happy to give back! Usually, I wind up being resentful anyway because whatever I was asked to do is inconvient and not something I am really able to do. It seems that when I am in a good spot in my life, when I have time and sanity on my side, no one asks much of me. But when life comes crashing down I feel like that is when I am asked to do things like chair comittees, drive extra kids, bake sales, babysitting, extra hours, trips. And I want to scream "Don't you see I am barely hanging on?! I need the help!!!" But I don't. I just do what I am asked and go on with my resentments. I can totally see myself in the positions you describe. Bouncing checks here to pay for someone else's kid to not go without. I acknowledge this, now I have to change it. Being a helper is not bad. I don't know what I would have done without the helpers in my life.
You've been working really hard on doing what you can to make your kids' environment safe - and your 3 year old feels safe enough to tell you he wants his other parent.
Nothing wrong with helping, lots wrong with saying yes when you really mean no, resenting others because of it, and secretly keeping score. I know - I've had to almost tie myself to my chair to keep from leaping up to do things that were not my job.
As so often in alanon, motivation is the key. Are you helping from the goodness of your heart, or because you feel you need to earn love?
As for the 3 year old - take a look at some of the Gesell Institute books on child development. If I remember correctly, he's just the right age for a "move out" phase, which will be followed in due course by a consolidation phase. Add recent important events at home, and this is a difficult time for the little guy. I'd keep his choices easy for a while, limit highly stimulating activities like TV, get more fresh air and exercise, try to limit food additives - in general, make his life simpler and more natural, as much as is reasonable. This is not the time to sign him up for a bunch of new activities. The Gesell books "Your Three Year Old" and "Your Four Year Old" should be very helpful to you - they are a little old fashioned in tone, but boy are they spot on! Sorry for babbling on, but this is what I do for my job. Talk about "helping".....
