"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

ally · ~*Service Worker*~

WHAT TRIGGERS THE NEGATIVE FEELINGS WITHIN US????

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, I struggle with this. I do not know how to have fun. I second guess myself every time I do anything enjoyable. I can't even have dinner at a friends house or speak at a meeting sometimes without wondering what I did wrong. Did I stay too long? Did I say too much? etc.

It's just that anything nice seems like its too much to be real. When you live with an A you always find out about the lies later that ruin the memory of anything nice, and its like I'm always waiting for the lie that comes after. Like some sort of twisted punch line to a gruesome joke. I can't seem to make myself believe in the face value.

I am getting better, though. My birthday this year (Aug 10th), we had a wonderful time. We went for a drive, picked apples. It was a really nice day. Two days later I caught my AH doing drugs again, hardcore stuff. In the past I would have let this knowledge that he was high that day completely ruin the memory of that day. This time, for the first time, I did not. It WAS a wonderful day. My AH is a very sick man, but it was still a wonderful day. He did the best he could that day to make it enjoyable for me.

This is a first for me. I am gettin better, and you will too. It just takes time, learning to have better self talk, and trust, which doesn't come easy when you've been through what we've been through.

So to answer your question, what triggers the negative feelings is, for me, not trusting anything good at face value. There always has to be something wrong, or I'm not comfortable.

That's my two cents, anyway.

Have a great day. Do something nice for you today.

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((ally)))))

I am thinking better boundaries instead of holding someone at arm's length. I can identify with not wanting to get close.

In support,
Nancy

ddub · ~*Service Worker*~

Ally,

Thanks for sharing because I too will do this second guessing, evaluate all things done or plan to do........ looking for what? Possible pitfalls, rocks to stumble over and the big one, not wanting to hurt again. Like as a small child when you finally feel something hot, you know what hot is and don't want to touch that again. I think everyone gets hurt and that hurt becomes the baggage we drag to try to avoid having the same things happen. At first isolation is a solution but then we seem made (by HP?) to crave companionship, friendship and more so we venture out of isolation.

Short first marriage but it affected my 2nd marriage until I could believe that when the 2nd did something similar to the 1st, it didn't mean the same thing or have the same results. Then there is the doubt or unbelief that good things will happen - why is that? maybe cause I focus too much on the times the good things didn't happen. It is a way of thinking that we are changing slowly with the tools from alanon I think. Just see what happens, one day at a time and easy does it thoughts help me a lot.

It's hard when we have often lived in environments where we feel treated well and treated rotton for the same situation - the variable is the mood of the A. It is hard to be sane when living in insanity........ and even if we aren't living in insanity now, we don't reallly know what it is like or could be like. Unknown is scary.

I don't know if this helps you but it has helped me to think about all this too. Savor the fun you have had, be kind to yourself and just see what happens without over thinking all the what ifs. This is at least what I try to tell myself often. hugs, ddub

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

ddub wrote:

It's hard when we have often lived in environments where we feel treated well and treated rotton for the same situation - the variable is the mood of the A.

I had never thought of it this way. No wonder we're so scared to trust. We only THINK we know what to expect, but in truth you never really do. When I was growing up with an A in the house, we never knew if he would walk in the door with a smile, or screaming about the legos on the floor and ranting about who knows what. We are constantly on pins and needles waiting for the other shoe to drop. We always know that the one thing we can count on is that the good times will not last. So when something good happens now, we are on pins and needles again, waiting.

Thanks for bringing up this topic. I so do not want my kids to grow up this way, and I realize it has already started to affect my 7 yo son. But, this has given me a better understanding of this aspect of this disease. Maybe I can try to limit the affect from now on.

I hope we get more on this one.

Hugs in recovery,

bobump · ~*Service Worker*~

Good topic.

One of the things I've noticed in a relationship that I'm in is that actually getting to the point where we are able to talk about these feelings and not take each others feeling on came only after alot of individual growth on each of our parts (hey you both might already be there).

I think the reason the growth was necessary was because we both had to grow enough individually to be able to share this deep how we felt. Also we had to grow enough to not take on the other person's feelings or take it personally.

What I found out was that we both have some similiar self esteem issues, that we are working on and it affects how we intereact with people, especially those closest to us.

It took a lot of growth to get there, but once this kind of sharing takes place, it helps take the individual growth and apply it to my our relationship and thus having a stronger relationship.

Bob

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

I would say it is fear. Fear that you will lose this one that things wont go the way you want, etc. The thing is you have to get to the point where you are not afraid to be alone. You are happy alone and a new person is just an addition to that happiness not a requirement for it. I think getting too hopeful too fast is a trap that we easily get caught in and then we become so afraid of another disappointment that we become to clingy or needy. I used to think that was cute or loving when a guy was clingy or needy, it made me feel wanted. Now it bothers me and I think hey there's something wrong with this guy...

Just my 2 cents. Love you and if he doesn't then that's HIS problem and HIS loss! You have to love you first tho.

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

My thoughts are that it isn't so much a trigger as it is old behaviors that have not been dealt with that live within.

Once I figured out why some of those behaviors were created (4th step), it was much easier to look at them and replace them with healthier attitudes.

For instance. My parents were not alcoholic but my Stepdad (since I was 2) could fly off the handle and yell and put the fear of God in everyone. As an adult I could be in an argument with a man (women don't bother me..lol) and thinking I had the upper the hand, but let a man raise his voice and yell and I instantly turned 5 yrs old and felt a huge fear and hurt within.

It never even crossed my mind that the adult fear was related to the childhood fear, or that it was even fear that I was feeling. I just knew I hated it.
My sponsor brought it to the surface and it truly was a lightbulb moment. Now, knowing where it is rooted I can look at it for what it is. It has nothing to do with the present.
I also shared my discovery with my husband, who then gathered me up in his arms and makes a point to never raise his voice at me in anger. It's not that he babies me. It's out of love, respect and understanding.
It's not that I can't take it now because understanding where it comes from makes a great difference. It's simply an old behavior attempting to manifest in the now.
When you understand where these feelings come from....you can replace them with adult knowledge. My reality is that I'm not 5. What I felt was not my true current reality. Just a very old behavior that I accepted and carried for years.

Christy

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

This question has a simple answer. No need looking for hidden, subtle meanings. Our human condition dictates that, now and again, we are going to have negative feelings and/or negative thoughts. Just TRY to escape it. Won't happen. Take it as it comes, and attempt to maintain the positive. But don't beat yourself to death because you are human and react in a perfectly healthy, human manner. We are not divine; and until we are, we will not attain perfection.

Diva

Mandy123 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Allygirl))),

I am going to send ya a pm.

Love you nutjob (from one nutjob to another).

Mandy

Sorry had to edit. You and I talk a certain way to eachother and not everyone can see that I was joking with you.

-- Edited by Mandy123 at 13:30, 2007-09-24

ET · Veteran Member

Hey (((((((((((Ally))))))))))))!!!!!!

Carolinagirl had it right on the nail-head.... you gotta love yourself first before you can be happy in a relationship. I agree with that (guess that's why I'm still single myself, besides the fact that I sort of like it). Be good to yourself first Ally! Try not to worry so.... rather, enjoy "the process" as much as you can. I hope you're doing well! I miss you all so much. I'm still around, just not as much! Big hugs to a great gal!!

Write me sometime, okay?
ET

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't pretend to be a Psychologist (okay, I actually DO, but it is only pretending :), but I heard some awesome self-help tapes from John Gray (author of Mars & Venus, etc). He spoke about the fact that 85% of our thoughts tend to be negative... When we add our "stuff" that we have in our lives with alcoholism/addictions, "our" respective numbers would be even higher!! He was referring to (so-called) normal human numbers.

The good news is.... we can "train" ourselves to think more positively, and it is all about the perspective that WE bring to our lives and to situations. John used the following analogy to highlight his point:

We have all had the situation where we have stepped off a curb, and had a car come close to hitting us, and scaring the daylights out of us.... We can choose how to react to that situation. One (negative) way would be to shake your fist at the driver, and cuss about what an idiot he/she was. Then we would likely "wear" that anger all day (at least) - telling friends, work mates, etc, about what almost happened to us, how life sucked, and basically carrying around that anger with us for long periods of time...

OR....

We can choose another approach. I could say - with a smile - "hey John, pretty good reflexes for an old guy!". With this approach, I didn't let my mood get trampled down by this situation, and was actually able to turn it into a positive thought and situation for myself!

I always liked the above example, and think it speaks volumes....

Have a great day
T

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"