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This was his weekend to come and see the kids. I had told him that I was going to go out with a friend of mine. So when he walked in the door he reaked of vodka. It was SO nasty and he denied it. I told him in front of the kids (my bad) that he crossed my boundaries and he would need to leave and drive four hours back.
I told him that if I was wrong that he could go to the store and buy a test and prove to me that he did not have alcohol in his system. He said no. He sat the kids down and told them that "mommy is right and daddy did drink". When I asked him why he said "it's friday"..omg paleeeeezzzz there is always a reason. So I said he could sleep on the couch but the visits will not happen anymore. I let him stay for the kids, they couldn't take him leaving again.
I got undressed, called my friend and told her I could not leave my kids with someone I knew had been drinking. She said ok and I put my jammies on.
He shows no remorse, no care in the world, no respect. He is acting like he has every right in the world to drink and I'm the one over reacting. He acts as if it's ok to disrespect me. I want to choke him.
Sad part is............he doesn't see that I am the one in control.
I told him that I wish it would have been him that passed away instead of my friend Amber and Eric. I hope it hurt him and I hope he carries that with him daily. I meant it.
I'm not sure if I can make it a whole day with him tomorrow, I'll take it second by second. He makes me sick to look at him. I hate liers, I hate drunks. I hate that he hurts the little people he says he loves.
It's so much nicer when he's not around. I'm so thankful I don't have to live with him. Thanks for listening and letting me vent.
Alcoholics drink, alcoholics lie. If he is not seriously involved in a program of recovery (and even sometimes if he is) he will do these things.
Your boundaries are about your own behaviour, not about his. If you are trying to enforce a boundary that says "he will not drink", well, good luck. You can only ocntrol what happens in your home, not what happens out in the rest of the world.
If your boundary is that he does not get to be in your home when drunk, then when he shows up drunk, YOU respect your boundary by sending him away. I understand that you do not want to deprive your children of the visit, but away does not have to mean 2000 miles. He can sleep in a hotel (or a park bench for all you care - none of your business) and come back tomorrow, if he is sober.
He is what he is , an unrepentant drunk. You sure don't have to like it, but you do have to accept that this is what you've got. You have no control over that. The only control you have is over how much access you will allow him (as he is) to your life. For your children's sake, try to do this with as much detachment as possible. It is important that your children be protected from drunken rages, driving with a drunk, and all the other aspects of being with an alcoholic. It is also important for them to see detachment with love in operation.
I wanted to send him away and I usually do I just didn't this time. I guess I did cross my own boundaries. I'm just so tired of them getting hurt and him not coming to see them that I felt I had to allow it. He wouldn't have gone to a hotel or a park bench he would have drove back and probably killed someone. I've had enough death this year. I do protect the children from alcoholic rages (he doesn't get that bad) and they will NEVER be in the car with him with him behind the wheel. I'm trying my best to show them detachment with love, it's so hard to do when he hurts them emotionally. As a mother I get so angry. I'm learning.......day by day.......second by second. :) Thanks for your reply.
As I see it, you did not cross your boundary, you simply adjusted your boundary to reflect what you felt at the current time. I have heard in Alanon meetings that it's ok if I want to change the rules of my own boundaries. So don't beat yourself up about it, you did what you had to do at that moment.
Here's to being flexible . . . set a boundary, have circumstances (the little ones wanting to see their dad) sort of trump the boundary . . . so you make a NEW boundary.
I have no real ESH about children and their alcoholic parent. I took my kids two states away from their addict dad and made it hard for him to see them, but they were so little they didn't "know" any differently.
There are lots of options for you FOY . . . once you feel less like you want to kill him :D put some thought into it and post them. You're in a tough spot, no doubt. We're here for you.
Take a deep breath and relax. Your boundary of his not drinking is out of his control too. I drove myself crazy trying to control it. He can't help it.What I did when my A was drinking was told him that if he wanted to talk, he had to be sober. When he wasn't, I wouldn't allow the call or conversation to take place. While he is disappointing the kids, he has to deal with the consequences of his behavior (ie, not spending time with the kids). The kids are not getting anything from him emotionally by being with him when he has been drinking. It probably is better that he isn't around. It is sad as it affects everyone. But the As have to learn the hard way. Don't beat yourself up - be gentle with yourself. Go easy on you.
Thanks everyone, I needed that. I was wondering if I failed by letting him stay and spend time with them. I would love to keep him away for good but they love him so much no matter what. When they are grown up they may see the real him but for now he is DADDY, their hero, their playmate, the one they want to impress and show off for and to get his approval. I just feel like I can't take that totally away from them. God knows I'd rather him go away. I've raised my kids to love and to respect and to accept people for any disability they may have...they know daddy has a disability per se but love him anyway. I just can't love him. Thank you all really. ((((HUGS))))
I have done this too, don't beat yourself up. I have learned, it's easier to not have him around at all than to have to hear my son cry and plead for him when he has to leave. I have let that slide too for the benefit of the kids but I'm not really sure how much it really benefits them? It's Friday... It's always something isn't it? I think I would say next time your butt is going home if this EVER happens again.
I told my ah that I will come outside and smell his breath FIRST before he pulls into the garage and they hear his truck. So he knows his four hour drive will be a total waste of drive and it's up to HIM to make that call. He knows I will not let him in the house. So now it's seeing rather he'll show up at all for them.
It's so hard to see your kids hurt. I wish I could be their everything. You know what they said in the car while ah was there???
They said "mom, when Father's Day comes we are going to get you a card just in case daddy doesn't show up"...........whoaaaaaaaaa Out of the mouth of babes. I think he realized that he hasn't "shown up" too many times. I wanted to say Good for you kiddies! :)
. It was SO nasty and he denied it. I told him in front of the kids (my bad) that he crossed my boundaries and he would need to leave and drive four hours back.