The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The thing I find most interesting is the disconnect between reality and the A's perception of reality. Examples:
I'm a great dad - can you give me some examples of what you do that makes you a great dad? NOOO that just incites anger.
Last week I got several letters from the A - the common theme - I'm getting out have nowhere to go... One letter says I am going to send you 1k a month in child support (ya I'm holding my breath) the other says I'm still not healed, I hope they have canes at the thrift store, I might have to get disability and by the way any child support order you got is invalid because they didn't transport me to court. Hmmm within 2 weeks both letters one completely contradicting the other.
I could sit here right now and make a list of what makes me a great mom:
I respect them most of the time and give them love always I take them to their appointments, I get up and go to work every day to support them, I make sure they have food in their stomachs, clothes on their backs and other pleasantries, I set boundaries and enforce them (most of the time;) I listen to them talk (sometimes non stop) I give them advice about how to make healthy choices I know their friends I teach them about being a good person I sign them up for activities and take them I even know when all their birthdays are and acknowledge them I take them on trips and outings to see new things
I'm sure I could go on for days here if I wanted to get into all the minute details of what makes me a mom but we all know what we do. I honestly don't think he could think of 10 things for all 3 kids put together, not to mention what makes them special individuals.
Used to be that just him saying it was convincing he was always right, I was SO in denial! Now I see so clearly the madness that I accepted as reality. What ever happened to do what you say you're going to, keep your promises, etc.? Is this so complicated? The next time he calls me and says some outlandish thing I'm going to say please don't say anything you don't actually FULLY intend to do. AND don't ever start a sentence to me with I WANT or I'm hanging up. I have noticed that I want always follows with me to do something to make that want happen. I want to see the kids...that's nice when you get something arranged give me a call back...no i won't bring them to you, no it's not my fault you lost our truck and your license and have no transportation (I'll just think that part). I think I'm really prepared for him to be out and me to stand my ground!
maybe say to the A next time .... SCREW YOU (detachment) Dear (with love) hahahah
I see the beginnings of a great gratitude list. I'm so grateful to be a parent because:
I have to opportunity to respect them most of the time and give them love always I have the privledge take them to their appointments, I practice my 7th Tradition and get up and go to work every day to support them, for the abundance of food in their stomachs, clothes on their backs and other pleasantries myself and my HP are able to provide. can practice setting boundaries and enforce them (most of the time;)
You get the point.
It will put the focus back on you and the joy you get from being a parent. And off the other stuff which is all stuff he is missing out on anyways. :)
Just an idea.
Bob
__________________
You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
I am so glad you are feeling so firm on your stand w/your A. You are AWESOME and I truly believe in you and know you will continue to have the strength to say and do (or not say and not do) whatever it is that needs to be. You are amazing and have come so very far. You are my inspiration every day. Keep up the fabulous work girl. Make us all proud. :)
That's what scares me, that disconnect from reality. OK, I'm making choices to let my "scared" go here, just facing what is and having faith in the best outcome for me.
Anyway, my exA, in spite of a year long RO and no contact from me except to call the cops on his butt when he violated it, is still confused why I just won't let him come back home. Talk about disconnect.
I find that kind of thinking deeply disturbed. It's like "how much more info do you need?" Well, all the info in the world WON'T make a difference, due to his disease and other personality factors, he chooses actively to insist reality be what he wants it to be.
Instead of fearful, a more workable set of feelings is to be WARY. Like you would be wary of a dog with a history of unannounced biting. Keep him contained, and don't put your face too close. You can't trust what you can't trust.
In the end, the reality disconnect, when I see it in someone I've loved deeply for years, is really, really sad! What a miserable way to live, there must just be constant fear, defensiveness, disappointment and depression! No wonder he relapses like clockwork, who could handle such an outlook stark raving sober?
I appreciate this post as I can get sucked into feeling sorry for the A and then I'm lost.
The A I was with for 7 long years full of frustration, chaos and more has no sense of reality. Right now he is talking about moving several states away as though its a piece of cake. He has no money, no truck (and he's moving to an area where you need one) no license (its suspended) and no resources.
Of course I have done my own geographics and paid for them dearly which is one reason I won't be joining him. He assumes I will. His abiilty to judge situations was always off. He survived by the skin of his teeth then he simply stopped surviving.
I have to remind myself wheneer I talk to him he's there where he needs to be. And I also know full well he does not tell the truth. So there is "nothing" there for me to negotiate with.
