The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
"Treat people as they are, and they will remain that way. Treat them as they are already what they can be, and you help them become what they are capable of becoming."
Goethe
Hmm......treating people as they could be was always my MO. The problem was that I didn't let go of the result. And then I tried to force them into what I thought they could be.
When we try to shame and manipulate (among other things) people into recovery (or any other behavior), we are treating them they already are. They are often already under a blanket of shame etc. By letting go and detaching, what we are doing is treating them with the dignity of their own lives.
For me the key lately in treating them what they can become is to think of that in broader sense. If you treat them as good human beings and people, then you release them to become what their HP intended, not what you intended. I'm going to try to remember that today when I get annoyed at my AW for something.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
It's hard to get out of the routine of treating someone a certain way and the funny thing is they usually get uncomfortable when you change the way you react to them even if it's positive. I think letting go of your lost hopes and expectations of that person without holding on to the bitterness of the disappointment and things that you tolerated which you are really more angry with yourself about than you are with them is the hardest part.
When our dreams involve other people and our dreams require something of them it's very disappointing when they don't live up to our expectations of fulfilling that dream. I know it is difficult sometimes for me to let go of the resentment and see it for what it is, me expecting someone to be something they are not capable of being at this point. I guess the point is to treat everyone with love and respect but mostly remember to treat ourselves that way first!
I live eat sleep dream of boundaries day and night. I grew up with out them. I spent years with the A trying to force him to treat me differently. Since I set limits he has treated me differently but its not the recovery I need to see. He has not changed I have. So the relationshp changed because I gave up being obsessed about what he was going to do next. I have to say its been a long journey from dependence to independence. Maresie.
I agree. I don't label people. I was labeled by my mother as a bad teenager and I hated it because she talked to her friends and told them how horrible I was. I kept leaving home because my friends treated me as I was. I was a good teen, I didn't drink, I didn't do drugs, I barely cussed. When I finally moved away from her I saw that SHE was the problem to begin with, she is the negative one and she was trying to bring me down to her level. To this day, she hates that I do well and I'm happy. I also give people respect until they abuse it. Respect is earned. When ah abuses that he no longer has it. That's when detachment comes into play in my life. If he can not respect my boundaries then I detach real fast. ;) Good post.
Great post Bob and relates to my mind issues of the day. I will also keep this in mind today because I need to let go and let God!
I struggle a lot with being where you wrote Carolinagirl:
"I think letting go of your lost hopes and expectations of that person without holding on to the bitterness of the disappointment and things that you tolerated which you are really more angry with yourself about than you are with them is the hardest part."
focus on me and my recovery, not the A
Thank you both for helping me with clarity which I seem to need again and again to keep some forward motion going.
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
