The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
First, sorry about the absense, my laptop went kaput. I LOVE my laptop, it's like losing a friend, it was my little window to the world. But anyway . . .
Two days ago as I was drinking my morning coffee an AA guy I know who has helped out my ex before called and asked my permission to come and pick up the truck the A wrecked driving drunk last year. He's buying it from the A so the A can pay for his lawyer. He had an arraignment on Monday for meth posession in Spokane, so the A was "on my mind" anyway. We still have NO contact per the RO and of course that's no problem as I don't want to have anything to do with him, or so I thought.
I asked the AA guy WHY was he helping the A? I felt "betrayed" sort of. I am friends with he and his wife, and I thought they wanted nothing to do with him anymore. The AA guy said my ex is really trying to stay sober and he felt right helping him.
It was a short conversation, we hung up and I went about my day . . . obsessing about the A!!
That's all he needs, I'm thinking, a damn LAWYER!! He wreaked serious havoc with his lawyer by suing me for half the property after I got the RO. I put 5000 dollars down the crapper in response to this, and can't proceed myself.
Why is THIS guy, who has screwed me over so badly, left me essentially penniless with a crew of livestock and a farm to care for, getting HELP? Who bought the damn truck he wrecked anyway?? As well as his trailer he lives in, the farm truck he still has, the NEW truck he's driving and the clothes on his back??
I'm stuck on this one. I was more upset before, but it is bugging me.
My exA has NO SHAME and will beg for help. While I sit here with some dysfunctional fear of asking for help, trying to stay strong in the face of losing this beautiful place. I just want to put the A out of his, and MY, misery!
I don't want him anywhere NEAR a lawyer right now!
So yesterday I did the morning chores and made a beeline for the AA guy's shop to talk to him. I just needed to talk to him. I needed to tell him the A was abusive and ran me into the ground, did TERRIBLE things to other people, to me. That I am NOT prepared for winter yet (reminiscent of Jen's post, we live in the same exact climate), I'm wondering how in the heck I'm going to afford feed, propane, I have no truck to haul the feed, I'm hauling hay in my CAR b/c he has both trucks, yada yada.
He asked me (after I was breathless from letting it out) if there were a message he wanted me to convey to the A. I honestly said "No, I just needed to get this out to you."
What am I doing here? I'm scared of people helping the A. I'm scared if he gets a leg up he's going to rake me over the coals, and he deserves nothing. In my book he deserves to go to jail or prison. In my book, the A having any power at all terrifies me.
At the same time I was hung up on his newfound sobriety (again). You mean, he MIGHT be coming around?? Then my mind starts to go in circles again. I see him bringing me wood, maybe I could make a deal with him, maybe he could do this and that for me . . . I'm overwhelmed, more or less, with all the stuff going on.
It's clear if I made any contact with the A, even to tell him to go to hell, he'd take it as an invitation back into my life. The AA guy agreed wholeheartedly with me there.
Maybe this is more of a vent than anything. I HATE being this vulnerable to just HEARING about the A, I think I am still very vulnerable to him and he's GONE. I can't straighten this out in my head.
I'm scared, and I should be. I still have no income, I've been paralyzed. Really paralyzed.
This sucks! Any ESH would be greatly appreciated! Any untangling would be appreciated too . . .
I know how you feel. I am still having a hard time taking responsibility for myself on some things here. All I can say right now is DETACH, detach, detach. Serenity will help you think so you can figure out what to do next. Wish I was closer, so I could help you with the hauling. Of course my little truck is about to lose its engine so I'm not sure how far we'd get.LOL :) I realized this morning that I am going to have to find some one to buy some firewood from too. My A is in no condition right now to be able to do it, even though he is trying. He can't do more than a half day or so of work at this point, and is doing good just to get through 2 days of work in a row. He has been smoking the meth this time and his lung capacity is shot. He can hardly breath to walk across the yard, much less haul firewood. It will be awhile before he will be much help, so I have to figure something else out.
Are your boys still living with you? I know they would be a bit of help. Or maybe you could put the word out around that you have milk and eggs to trade for some wood or hay. I got a call yesterday from someone looking for fresh milk. A note up at the feed store might help.
BTW, what kind of pups did you have?
Try to have a better day, Hon.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I can relate. The a left me penniless, sick, alone, living in poverty. I try not to have any contact with him period. I'd prefer he went to jail. I don't do anything to make that happen though.
I find it very hard to proceed further. There are lots of obstacles. The A is stuck 50miles away from me. I sometimes obserss about wanting to be smewhere completely away from him.
I am not in the EXACT boat you are in as I do not live on a farm. Can't imagine it if I did. I have a tough enough time keeping my house clean and laundry done. LOL. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Here's my esh... I think the most important thing is figuring out what you want. Do you really want to live on a farm in Idaho or do you want something else? Forget all that you have invested and put into it, and the resentment. Do you love Idaho? Do you like feeding the animals and caring for a farm? I always thought I wanted a house, wanted to be certain places but now I know that I don't like doing yard work and maintenance and all the stuff associated with a house. I like someone else to mow the grass and take care of the pool, etc. I love being close to the beach even if I have to drive a little farther. I think a lot of what I had in my head was not me but him. And with that a lot of resentments about how I thought things would go or what I expected him to do. He did none of it. I can't tell you how much better it is when you know what you want and go do it. I knew I wanted to be at the beach and here I am. I like living in a condo with all the stuff I don't like doing being someone else's problem. I would sit quietly and really think do I really want to be on a farm or am I afraid if I don't stick it out that makes me a failure. Do I really enjoy this? Would I be happier if__________fill in the blank. or have I been happier when_____________fill in. Each person is different, knowing yourself and what you really want is the key.
Jen, I had the same thought about driving up there and helping you get firewood too :D then I had to admit I NEED IT too, and the better response is to visualize firewood for you and get off my duff and start dragging logs myself :D . And I do have to detatch . . . a fellow Alanoner pointed out to me in a PM that it really is a choice to futz around in anger, resentment, self pity, and FEAR. I've applied better choices to other problems, so I'm going to before you all say "I LET GO" of wanting to be angry and afraid.
I affirm I am going to be OK, and I'm open to listening to HP for guidance. If I choose to stay fearful and resentful, how can I hear what HP may be trying to say to me?? The fear and anger are so loud in my head and heart, so I am going to shut off the volume.
CG, funny you should mention "figuring out what you want" . . . I'm not sure what started this but a few days ago it hit me that I had to decide this in a concrete way.
Being clear about what I want will focus the energy. At this point in time, I really do enjoy Idaho, warts and all (should I say winters and all, guess that's on my mind :D ). And yes, I love all those fartheaded critters. Today the geese made off with two baby goat bottles and I had to chase them quite a ways to get them back. I come back to finish milking the goats and the turkeys were drinking milk right out of the bucket (again) and the goat pooped on the stanchion (punishment for leaving her there while I chased geese). It only made me laugh! That's my usual response to their antics, enjoyment, indulgence and mild irritation. So yes, I'm doing what I want, but there is MORE that I just don't know about yet.
I'm letting all this crap go, guys. It's falling off of me now, it is holding me back.
Thanks for listening to my vent, it's not easy for me to just let it out and whine. I don't want to be there any longer though.
I totally sympathize with you both. Did you see my post to Jen? There is a chill in the air. I asked my nieces and nephew to come over to help with the wood. They are 19, 15, 11, and 7. But they brought 2 young men (friends) and we got so much done. I watched since my arm is in a sling from my shoulder surgeries. So just ask ask and ask and something will come up.
I totally sympathize with the A getting "royalty treatment". We had a family function last weekend - my family. He got a t-shirt, dinner paid for and a slap on the back asking how's the golf game? He left me, he's treated me terribly, he didn't help me during my surgeries and he gets all this. Go figure. I just have to focus on the program of Alanon and trust that if I work the program I will get better and these things won't matter.
My joke for myself is this. When it gets cold, I let my dogs in (and the cat). I lay in bed and say "who's turn is it to make the fire?" And there I am making the fire, laughing to myself thinking that someday those pets can do something besides looking at me.
I'm going to do an exercise in my journal about "asking for help" . In cognitive/behavioral therapy, they say there is a series of "thoughts" that are usually WRONGO beneath dysfunctional attitudes and fears . . . I'll see what comes of that.
In all honesty, it's down to the wire and my choices are to ask for help or cause myself untold suffering :D . I think I'll choose to ask for help :) .
Nancy, I have ten dogs in the house, and two cats. Eight of the dogs are seven week puppies. We have LOTS and LOTS of conversations about who's going to do what . . . but in the end, like in Alanon, it's up to me if I want it done :D .
It's great to be able to vent here, get feedback, and turn the vent into self understanding, a little "homework" in the journal, and transform BY CHOICE my negative thinking and fear. Thanks for being here . . . besides asking for help, I also feel "wrong" complaining or whining. But it's like I gotta get it out so I can deal with it before it drives me nuts.
After reading your anecodotes I feel better about having two dogs, two cats and lots of stuff in one tiny room! I am also focusing in on what do I need to do next. I have to break it down so I dont' get overwhelmed but it is doable. I am looking at options. What are my options what do I need to do next. I find it quite exciting sometimes, overwhelming others. When I break it down it does dissolve the resentment.
I am almost 6 weeks out from cutting the A off. I did pay some bills for him last month and gave him a very small amount of money. I am not doing it anymore. I have found that really hard to let go. He can get in there in the small spaces of doubt still.
I can also as you say so eleoquently sit in fear, resentment and fog. I have to set huge huge boundareis internally and externally for me in order to quit doing that.
