The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I think this is becoming my favorite slogan, but one that is so hard to live by. I am posting here now to convince myself to apply it, now.
My ah went to rehab in Feb. Alcohol, drugs and an alcoholic g/f. Saved his life and my kids got their dad back, so I can't say it was a wasted experience. Quickly fell off the pink cloud. I kicked him out the end of April because I saw him talking to her. His independence gave him permission to fully jump into his relationship with her again and I believe the drugs and alcohol soon followed.
He claims he NEEDS to talk to her so he can express his feelings without judgement. He talks/texts multiple times a day. Not normal. He recently admitted he can drink a few beers with no problem and I found evidence of drugs. He denied it to me and admitted it to his employee. He will not openly drink nor be drunk, and I can't really detect the drugs other than a depressed, negative attitude, but that is pretty much the a personality, so it is hard to know. He is in denial that he needs help and does not want to be defined as an alcoholic/addict. Refuses AA and counseling and says things need to be on his timeline. Plus, he works so there is "no time". On the outside and at work he has it all together, where inside he is crumbling.
We are now in a situation where we have him over a barrell. He could lose his professional license. If he initiates the help himself, he will be protected and he may actually get well. Then again, if he is forced it may be pointless, but at least he will be doing something. We are working together in a marriage program that fosters communicaton skills and deals with all the meaty issues of conflict management, emotions, intimacy, etc. It has been going pretty well. We have been encouraged to complete it, even if alone. I honestly see no negative side to completing it. However, I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. If we force him to get help and he is not ready it will probably not be very effective and most likely he will be so mad that it will negatively affect our marrriage class. Then again, sobriety and a clear head is what is needed to benefit from the class and I don't want him if he isn't. Also, how can he honestly attend the class and benefit maximally when he has her, someone who does not believe in our marriage, chewing on his ear. Then again, there are miracles. We have seen evidence of that.
What it comes down to is that he will probably have to hit bottom before he gets better. He/we have a lot to lose and he won't be going alone. I guess I am too selfish to accept that. So, though I want to be proactive and abide by some boundaries, I feel stuck. It is so frustrating that the doing the right thing can result in the wrong outcome. Since I am doubting so much I think I must just do nothing for now and wait and see what happens.
I am leaving out some details so I hope this makes sense. Do any of you have any experience with diversion programs? Any e,s or h would very much be appreciated.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Hi Lou, Just wanted to lend you my support. I agree with you...when in doubt, don't. Easier said than done, I know.
It is great that you are going through the marriage workshop. I hope you are going to face to face meetings, too. I find them so helpful in keeping me on my side of the street. Also, whenever I start obsessing, I start answering the questions in the Paths to Recovery on the step I am on. That too, helps me to put the focus back on me.
I don't have a strong opinion on the intervention, however, I agree that they have to hit their bottom and for me at least, it never coincides with my bottom. Things have a way of working themselves out in HP times.
Will he hurt (physically or mentally) his clients by drinking and drugging? If that is a possibility then there is no question there, protect the innocent. My ex ah had his massage licence revoked for sleeping with clients. Sounds pretty insignifigent (not to me ) like he wasn't a brain surgeon endangering lives by operating under the influence. But it did give the wrong impression to a profession that has worked hard to disassociate itself from the stigma.
As far as you and he and the "GF"..... there is no way to have a healthy relationship when only one person is healthy. He is sick and apparently has no real desire to do anything about it. Marriage councling that does not have a focus or knowledge of addiction and abuse will not work for an abusive addict. That has been my personal experience. We had a counclor once who was so oblivious. I explained his verbal abuse and how it frightened me. She told me not to be scared. I explained his physical intimadation when we argued and how I would be scared and leave. She told me (and him) that I should stop running and stand there and "take it" with his assurance that he won't hit me. Duh, ok. Next thing ya know I'm out cold on the floor. Well, he was drunk so that doesn't count....Extreme example I know but people, including those with degrees on how to make people have healthy relationships, do not always understand what dynamic aism brings into a relationship. It distortes normal relationships.
Hon, as a very wise man on this board says...he's either going to drink or not....what are YOU going to do?
I'm sorry, I remember feeling this way. I put out my A husband and he was bringing in about 2/3 of the income. It has been a struggle and I have certainly been where you are trying to decide if helping/rescuing him with the specific purpose of benefiting me and the kids in the end was right or wrong. What I found is that it never really benefited me for long and I was always angry and resentful that he didn't just do what I wanted him to do which was be a normal go to work bring home the money love your family kinda guy!!! In my mind nothing is worse than cheating and no amount of money could have kept me in that situation. Only you know what is right for you and where your line in the sand is. I agree it seems pointless to do marriage counseling when he's still seeing the girlfriend.
If it were me I'd divorce him and take him for everything I could get before he loses it all to drugs and alcohol for the sake of the kids. Now that's just what I would do. I am done with hope that he will get better or any such fantasy in my relationship. It took me a long time to get there and hopefully the delusions of he might get better will never creep back into me. I appreciate your situation and your courage to share it.
What do YOU want? If you can, try to keep the focus on that, and let his chips fall where they may. I know it is not that simple, there are kids to consider, finanical issues, etc, but still...
If you work on finding out what you really want, and then on working toward it, you'll have enough to keep you occupied. You may find it doesn't really matter al that much to you WHAT he does, if your end of things is OK.
