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I guess I have 2/3 of those I need the strength right now and probably more experience! My oldest is turning 13 Thursday and she is DRIVING ME NUTS!!!
I really don't know how to deal with her other than yelling and smacking her occasionally! Here's the things:
Attitude 24/7 like a chip on her shoulder about EVERYTHING!!
Moaning and groaning EVERY time she is asked to do anything never just an Ok and getting up and doing it. OR the classic in a minute and it never gets done. And then there's the something doesn't feel good ~ ALWAYS!
Talking that STUPID valley girl talk ~ like oh my GOD!! I want to rip her hair out!
I tell her to do something she grunts rolls her eyes says oh my god...or moans and groans about anything she has to do even when it benefits her. I can tolerate that MOST of the time but it's the complete disrespect for me and the other kids that I absolutely WILL NOT put up with! That's when the smacking comes around. Then she runs out of the house yelling child abuse!!! I'm sure this makes an amusing visual but she's killing me and I still have 5 years left of this! I don't know if I'm going to make it (or if she will ;)
I can deal with the non stop and I mean NON STOP talking about anything and everything but not the disrespect and crappy attitude.
The only thing I can come up with is to do the same thing to her every time she asks me for something Oh my god...I'm tired...I don't feel like driving you to your whatever...bla bla bla.
Your not alone, my friend has a 13 year old and she calls me everyday saying the exact same things about her daughter. Mine are still little but here's what I would probably do. I would give her the bare minimal in her room. One pillow, one sheet, one blanket and EVERYTHING else would come out. She'd have a few shirts and a few pair of shorts or pants. If she wants her cool clothes back then she will have to EARN them back. She would have to EARN all her things back. Each time she disrespects then take something else away. If she gives you the "I don't care" attitude, trust me....she cares. She'll care when she doesn't go anywhere, she goes to school with the same clothes on, has the same sheets on her bed for a month. When they are that old spanking or hitting doesn't work. My mother did that and I only resented my mother more. A child needs nothing but love, basic food and water. Everything else is EARNED.
I was an unruly teenager too but I just wanted my mothers love, she was very unaffectionate. I'm sure that's not the case with you. :) Good luck. Let us know how it goes. (((HUGS))))) and don't forget to BREATH.
Oh another thing my mom did was put pamphlets of the Sheriffs posse boot camp for teenagers lying around the house! She left hints that I would be going away if I didn't straighten up. ;)
I get this too. This is on top of school truancy, inpatient hospitalization, cutting, bulimia, drug and alcohol experimentation. Matter of fact.....almost all of the behaviors she hates about her alocoholic mother. Oh wait....then throw in trying to control others, being over vigilant, flying off the handle at the drop of a hat....all of which was modeled by a pre-Alanon Dad and it's a violitile mix.
I'd actually look into some help for her. The fact that she is disprecting her friends and resisting things that would benefit her tell me from my experience that what she is really doing is disrespecting herself. She needs to contribute to the household AND she needs to make decisions are for her own well being.
All she wants to do now is hang out w/ her 'friends'. Many of them I fear do not make very good decisions. They all think all they have to do is talk amongst themselves to solve all their problems. It's insanity and the results speak for themselves.
I agree w/ there being some system of doing things in the house. Nothing wrong the next time she needs a ride to the mall saying, Not today, I feel overwhelmed having to do everything around the house. Maybe she'll help next time, maybe she won't but she ain't going to the mall. LOL
As for disrespecting her friends, I'd just try to talk to her about that later away from them. Then I'd let it go. Natural consequences say her friends won't stick around for it. When I worry about how my kids are treating friends and interjecting, I'm doing so out of fear for what they might lose and fear for how it reflects on me. My program tells me neither are good motives to act.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
Yep, I have a 13 year old too. Aren't they pure JOY???? I get the constant eye rolling and huffing and puffing--to which I make her kiss my cheek and tell me how much she loves me. I have grounded her from TV this week. I have also threatened to make all of my children sleep out in the barn with the racoons and other night creatures and then see if they don't appreciate the nice room and board that I provide for them.
All in all we have a relatively good relationship, but I just think the teen years were meant to be tough for everyone!
Hang in there!!! I hope there gets to be some sunshine on your days!!
CG, I think what you are enduring from your 13 year old girl is not unusual, but that does not mean you should not bother to address her behavior with her NOW!! Boundaries must be set, and the sooner the better. I think sometimes mothers forget that their children are not their best friends; they are their CHILDREN, and should be regarded as such. I am not saying you are treating her as your friend, but only that doing so is a common mistake especially moms make.
I would start by taking her out to lunch and some window shopping. A girls afternoon out together. She is also more apt to sit quietly and listen to you if you are in a public place when you broach the subject of her behavior. Make this outing a regular thing. YOU ARE THE PARENT!! Let her know what you expect...no...what you demand! Respect must be at the top of the list. She doesn't have to like helping out with chores. But her language and demeanor must be respectful. SHe can moan and whine...that's fine. As long as she is following your directions while she is doing it.
Talk about privileges and consequences. Hit her where it hurts when it comes time for discipline. Don't smack and yell. I know the urge can be overwhelming, but keep in mind that sometime she may smack back. You don't want to have to deal with that.
Try to understand that this phase will pass. Not too many teenagers end up in the federal penitentiary as adults. That's what I always kept in mind when my sons are growing up...LOL!! They come around. But they definitely do need our help.
SOmeone mentioned a pamphlet put out by AlAnon...Be sure to read it, and remember Mom....try to remain cool and collected. If they know they are getting to ya, they have won the battle.
All best,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
She's ok with her friends, that is not the problem it's just disrespect toward me and her brother and sister. She is already grounded from the computer for a week, my A would have said exactly what FOY said about minimalizing and making her earn back her stuff. I know she thinks she's being cool or like everyone else but I doubt they get away with acting like that either. I make her apologize when she says something rude, and give whoever a kiss which she hates, it is just hard to come up with a suitable punishment when she behaves that way. She's having a birthday party on Saturday and I honestly feel like acting like her thru the whole thing so she can see how it feels and even more how it feels in front of her friends. Anyway, I'll try to be mature. I think Alateen would be good for her but there are not very strong kids groups here and I can't even get her to go to girl scouts!
Dear CG - Boy oh boy.....I get the same crap from my 14 yo son. It has been going on since he was 12 though. So I have been coping with it a long time. Some days are good, some bad. All depends on his moods/hormones. When he is happy, what a dream he can be. When he is miserable, the whole house is miserable. When I have had enough, I take priviledges away. When he wants something bad enough, he bends over backwards to help me out. It is like a see-saw. Ya know?
He had his butt on his shoulders last night AND this morning. Mornings are the WORST b/c he cannot seem to get out of bed. There is lots of yelling in the mornings. The other night, he knocked his 5 yo sister off the bed and she got hurt. She was in his room waiting patiently to play Guitar Hero. I am not exactly sure what happened but luckily my AH was there and he handled it. My son is always calling my daughter names and picking on her relentlessly, which throws her into cycles of constant crying. It is a miserable life living w/a teenager.
I believe this evening I am going to tell him that he has a month before the homecoming dance and if he doesn't make some serious improvements in his attitude and schoolwork, he will NOT be going. That should snap him into shape for a while. I'll hold it over his head. Leverage. Ya always have to have some kind of leverage. At least w/my kids.
Good luck to you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
My ex-13 year old daughter is now 24 . . . ((!!!)), so we BOTH survived her adolescence though in retrospect I don't know how.
My first thought in reading your post was "I wish I'd known about detatchment and other Alanon principles when my daughter was that age . . . "
Then I thought about how when one person in a relationship CHANGES, the other person must also change . . . what can you change in your approach to her?
Like, what would happen if her eye rolling and harumphing and nasty little comments were completely ignored and the consequences of her behavior were rained down quickly and consistently?
She's just beginning to see that she's an individual entity, which is good. Unfortunately, you then become "the enemy" or "the opposition", and that is unfortunately normal . . . but you are still her mother, and THE BOSS.
My daughter spent a lot of time apologizing and feeling guilty for her behavior once the hormones calmed down. She said "Mom, you were so patient with me . . ." It does get better, they do grow up. But it's a crap shoot still.
This is me on a not so good day..."don't roll your eyes at me!" "Who do you think you are???" "Don't speak to me that way" -- Then another "who do you think you are." "What, What! did you say??" "You have no life, you are grounded from here to eternity, you can live in your room forever! ....Don't slam that door!" then my head spins off my shoulders and zip across the room.
oh yeah, I'm the adult, lol. My daughter really knows how to push my buttons. If she lives to adulthood and doesn't hate me by then -- I'll consider it a sucess. She is her A father made over in a female form, it is a challenge.
My good days are when I just calmly repeat things like "I believe I've answered your question." which had a no in it. or a chant of "I'm not changing my mind so give it up." and when I'm really on my game I can smile at her rolling her eyes and tell her that look will really attract the boys, lol. Oh and my favorite, I threaten to dance infront of her friends -- oh how embarassing.
For me, I try really hard (and it's a challenge) to say something positive to her at least once a day. We can get into such a rut that it's miserable, so making an effort to point out a positive in her or her progress usually gets me a nice smile.
It really is hard and exhausting. Just stand firm like the oak tree in the storm -- swaying in the wind but anchored firm in youself. She's got to know that of all the things that are changing around her, you are the constant, always there.
I'm trying to remember when I was that age.... my mom & I certainly had some knock-down drag-outs.... and I would say what I needed most was to be listened to. Really to be heard - just like in an alanon meeting.
So my suggestion would be, detach just like you would with your A. Sure, send her to her room (calmly) if she disrepects someone, if that's the consequence that's been established... biting your tongue as she pushes your buttons on her way.... then later, also calmly, say, would you like to talk about it? and use all the alanon tools like talking about yourself, and accepting and validating what she says about her own feelings even if you don't agree with it. Say please and thank you, even if the things to not thank her for outnumber the good deeds. I love the idea of special mother/daughter time, though I understand it's hard with other kids in the house. And not forcing the issue - when my mom would come right at me wanting to talk about an issue, even if I would have liked to talk about it, I'd clam right up, but if the talk was more general, the tone already established as accepting, then sometimes a few sentences would come out.
All easier said than done, I know.
Maybe an alateen book, or pamphlets, even if no meetings? (and recognizing and accepting that she might choose not to read it even if you go out of your way to make it available to her...) The yellow/red book - hope for children of alcoholics? - is kind of like a teen paths to recovery.
oops, I forgot. Being required to apologize for unacceptable behaviour is one thing; but being required to pretend to be kissy-kissy when I don't mean it makes me feel resentful and practice dishonesty and feel vaguely nauseous.
An elderly male relative used to make the young girl relatives stop at his chair and give him a kiss on the way to the tv room. I wouldn't have articulated it this way then, but it felt kind of abusive. I don't think he meant it to be, but to the extent that it was using his power as the patriarch inappropriately.... I guess it was.
Adolescence is a period when children must separate from the family. At the same time, they need guidance. Parents need to know how to exercise the right proportions of flexibly and supervision. How parents set limits will influence their success in maintaining them. Below are some suggestions.
1// Parents should have their own standards, but is a good idea to check with other parents, and perhaps the school, about the prevailing views on curfews, use of alcohol and allowances. You can't always trust children to report accurately about regulations in other families.
2// Parents should agree on a course of action and support each other. Kids will use every opportunity to take advantage of difference between parents.
3// Discuss the rules with children. Explain your position calmly, and be prepared to back up your ideas. Remember, things have changed a great deal since you were the age of your child. Listen carefully to your children, particularly to the oldest one, who usually has the toughest time because he or she is the role model for those who follow.
4// Rules must be geared to the ability of the child to handle responsibility. One child of sixteen may be able to manage a flexible curfew, but another may not be mature enough to handle a curfew at all.
5// Avoid hostile confrontation and open warfare. Create an atmosphere where attitudes are expressed, where there is a positive feeling about learning, the intellectual spirit and the arts. The child should feel home is a comfortable place to be, where friends are welcome.
6//Praise the child for what he is doing right before you tell him what he is doing wrong. If a child is told he is bad, he begins to live up to that reputation and is more likely to get into trouble
7//Defiant behavior is most often used to get attention or test limit. Do not impose restrictions you can't enforce. Always give a warning before you punish. Don't make any threats for punishment you're not able or willing to carry out.
*Do not discipline your child in front of other people, including siblings and never in front of his/her friends.
Here's some other stuff too for ya, hope it helps.
I've certainly had some hard times with my teen girl, and for me it was a matter of chosing my battles. Some things matter, some things don't - there is no point in fighting about the ones that don't.
I really found that straight talk worked best. Tell her straight out what you can and can't live with. And, be prepared to hear what she thinks too - as long as she expresses herself appropriately, she has a right to tell you what she is feeling.
