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Boy oh boy, second night in a row for me posting. Boy am I glad you all are here!! I guess I'm getting into the thick of this muck!!
So tonight, ah is very quiet, almost avoiding me. It's just about time to go to dd game and he is laying in bed! Says he is tired! So I suggest he stay home for 30 minutes and just come for the game....he says no and comes with us. I ask him why he is so tired and laying down he says 'I'm tired and depressed about us'.
SO, I feel like I can either join his pity party or carry on like I usually do, make sure we have everything, etc. During the game he is just a pill....totally his choice!
IS 'detaching' not letting this bother me?? Do I even address it or just let him simmer with it until he is ready??
He has really shared nothing of his recovery, is very vauge when I ask him about the step he is working on or about the sponser he now has.......I am thinking this is not a good sign.
I think detaching is not letting his mood bother you. I wouldn't even ask and sometimes when they do tell I don't know how much I would feed into them. Sometimes they are playing a game and trying to be the "victim". There is no way of telling really if he is even recovering. Time will tell, his actions will tell. I would just work on yourself. Someone once told me to carry on as if my ah was already dead. I did and that's when I started to heal. I couldn't believe how freeing it was to not think of someone else's mood or actions before mine. That would be my best advice to try. I learned not to ask about his steps, he felt I was being critical so I left it alone. Good luck. You can vent anytime. ;)
so do you just ignore the whole recovery/alcoholism topic??? Just carry on as if that is not happening in your life??? Thanks for your quick response!! :)Wendy
Detachment is difficult but worth it. It saved my sanity. To me it means to not center my mood, actions or thoughts around my ah and his "isms". Even without drinking my ah is very much an active alcoholic in his behavior. My AH pulls the same stuff before we go anywhere. He would have a headache, have to go to the bathroom, ect.ect. It always has to be about him. The attention has to be around him. My son had a recital in the spring, I had reminded him to do what ever needed to be done before 7:00p.m. At 6:59p.m he decided the dog needed to be walked, at 7:00p.m I left for the recital without him. And I did not save him a seat. I have finally woken up to the fact that I allowed years of me and my kids suffering the consequences of his behavior. If I did not work my program, my son would have gotten in trouble for being late, I would have not gotten a decent seat and for once I left with a program because I was early!! For him it is about power and being the center of attention. For me it would have been a night of yelling about we are late because he walked the dog, I don' t have a program because of him, son is in trouble because of him, ect. And then he would go drink, and blame me for "complaining". Tough cycle.
Sorry, hope it makes some sense. But you can only change and control your own behavior. Detachment gives you the power to do that.
Talking about his recovery with him may be difficult. I had a huge heart to heart with my ah and to tell you the truth, he said a lot of things I did not want to hear and will not likely forgive any time soon. His sponser told me the ah should talk shop within his program only, and suggested the same for me.
hi , it's his mood leave it with him and carry on . Detach from it and keep the focus on you and your needs .I am sorry but what step he is on is really none of your business leave him to AA and his sponsor . We have to learn to mind our own business in recovery and that is so hard to do , Are u attending Al-Anon meetings for yourself > to me it is the best way to support our husb and it keeps us busy fixing our own stuff . He is not the only one who has to change we all do . Newly sober A's are often moody it is so hard for them to live life sober , and depression is part of the problem but it passes eventually . If less than a yr I lovingly call them Stark Raving Sober . with out my own prog we could not have survived the first 3 yrs of sobriety , found out real quick it is not the answer to all of lifes problems . good luck Louise
It can be brought up but let him be the one to bring it up. Or maybe you could phrase it like this "if you ever want to talk about the steps I would be interested to learn from you" that way it doesn't sound critical and prying. If YOU are going to al-anon then maybe it would give you steps to talk about together. It depends on the person, sometimes men like to be private about it because they carry alot of shame, sometimes they are proud they are getting help and want to talk about it. I have found that I was the "bad guy" because I was the one wanting him to get help and I was the one that was standing in his way of his loving alcohol. I personally found it better to not ask for a bit and then eventually over dinner I brought it up in a way that he could teach me. He wasn't in defense mode.
Hi Wendy... sure sounds like you are on the right track.... Yep, that is detachment, when you can go to the game and enjoy it regardless of your A and his moods, etc...
As for his recovery & vagueness, etc - it's all pretty normal for early recovery, and he may not yet be ready to fully get better.... The key is - are YOU ready for your recovery?? Try your best to leave him to his recovery, and you can work on you.... There are not enough hours in the day, nor is it worthwhile, for you to fret and focus on what he is or isn't doing.... There is a reason they call it "his" recovery...... HE owns it!! :)
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
It sure takes a long time to unwrap yourself from someone that has been the complete center of your life. It's hard not to be affected by their moods and really they become your entire existence. I think I have learned now that I didn't really know who I was, I was all about reacting to or waiting for or expecting or questioning what HE was doing. I didn't have friends or things to do except go to work and wait around to see what he was going to want from me. That's all changed now! Thank HP for this program!
