The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Things were going along beautifully and then the bottom just dropped out. In the last month, my daughters' step mom died, my home health aide of 2 years has quit and I now have 2 new ones and I have been fighting to get medical transportation that some beaurocrats decided to take away from me without notice in the middle of the game. Before all this, I was on a mission to get in better shape. I was being good on a 1200 calorie a day diet and working out. Progress was slow, but it was there. Since all this has happened, I have blown off my diet. Although, I am doing my best to get back to it. Tomorrow, my work outs start again on a regular basis. But back to the diet for a minute. I think I blew it off because everything else seemed so out of control. Granted, I didn't like my daughters' step mom but at least I knew what to expect when she was alive. I loved my old home health aide. We had everything down to a science. I didn't have to think. Everything just went on auto pilot. I guess I liked it that way. My work outs were big for me because I had finally figured out a way to get out of this house on my own. I didn't have to worry about anyone else's schedule. This was about me. Like I said before, this was taken away from me over money. Because the powers that be didn't consider my losing weight and needing to work out a medical necessity. Even though I'm in a wheelchair. The problem has since been solved because I have found alternate transportation that my insurance will pay for but this whole experience has left me with a bad taste in my mouth and I'm doing the one thing that makes me hate myself more than anything. I'm acting like a child. I don't know if this is coming from just one of the previous situations I've talked about or all 3. I guess the bottom line is that I have been put under alot of pressure. Some self imposed and some not. I mean, I'm 34 years old, why should it piss me off that things aren't put in front of me on a silver platter anymore because my home health aide got a new job where she's gonna have benefits and I have to train her replacements. The thing is, that her replacements have turned out great but I'm pissy because I can't be on auto pilot anymore..I have to be an adult...and I don't like it. It's not even that I can't do it, I can. I have, I just don't want to. How selfish? How childish? Regarding the transportation situation, I am just feeling wounded and like I said the problem is solved although it took forever to do so and I'm just pissed that I had to go to all the trouble of solving it because someone didn't see things the way I do. Regarding, the death of my daughters' step mom, like I said, I didn't like her but at least I knew what to expect. Now I've been projecting, and worrying and living in tomorrow. I can't help but beat myself up because I know I didn't handle any of this right. :::::::deep breath::::::::
I am 36 years old and I still feel like a child. I try to remember my Mom at 36, I was 12 years old and my brother was 15 years old when she was 36. She seemed so in charge and mature. I don't, I feel like a 16 year old trying to figure out how to make better grades, only I am in the school of life now instead of high school. My Mom told me she felt like a child at 36 and she feels like a child now at age 62.
Take it easy, sometimes life is a little (or a lot) overwhelming. You're doing great even if you don't always feel that way. God, grant me the serenity....
You know, we are where we are. Sounds as though you honestly don't like the way you handled a few things, but you know, that's a great oportunity to learn and do things differently next time.
There is a tagline I used to have on my email that said ... "Good judgement comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgement."
The trick to making that statement true... is being honest enough to admit it was bad judgement, and a willingness to try and do better next time. We are human, what else can we do?
Sorry to hear about the step-mom... thoughts and prayers for all you guys, sounds as though you have a lot going on.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
(((((SS))))))), Sending you love and hugs, and not just any hugs, alahugs those are the best kind.
Try to be gentle with yourself. We are not perfect and we will make mistakes. But you realize that there was a better way to handle it all, and in the future you may handle things differently.
One day at a time.
I to am on the road to a healthier me. I have a walking partner and am careful about what I intake. I also am watching carefully the reasons why I intake food. Emotional eating has become a way of life, one that I am fighting to change.
You are not alone.
Yours in recovery, Mandy aka Dolphin123
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Sending you loads of hugs, its not easy when things change and as for bureacracy, you've got an ally here at the moment, they can be so short sighted and some of them are animals to deal with, sorry just venting, I think you're aware, I think I'm aware and thats a start,
