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I won't be so angry!! I am not even sure who I am upset with most - myself or my A. In prior posts I explained how I gave up my career to stay home and raise our kids. I thought our plan was to get to a comfortable financial status and then share more the duties of parenting and household so we could both pursue our own interests. It was my dream or he forgot and I lost my dream while covering for everyone while I was in denial. He's also a work-aholic. Here I am, right out of the wonder years of the 50's........ then he says comments this weekend that I am now oversensitive about.
These things are all his, not mine, not ours - what!?! Have I just been working for room and board around here??? I know he probably has the mind set that he is taking care of me by providing for me. But he said that also means that all the money is his money. I'm like a dependent. He also doesn't even get why this would upset me. Like I said I don't know who I am upset with the most - me for putting myself in this position or him for listening (not really) and agreeing to my ideas (not really) and doing what he wants to do anyway. Now in hindsight I realize his drinking sure helped him forget or not care. I wanted a partner and he knows that!!! (maybe he doesn't know? now that I understand alcoholism better) ...a partner for parenting, for marraige, for working (I have offered to return to work but he can't help with kids cause he travels). Sort of like when he wanted a dog and I asked, well could you walk the dog mornings or nights? him,I travel, I can't! me,We can't get a dog then! I can't take that on alone too. (4 kids and 2 in diapers at the time.)
I can work FT in next 5yrs or PT sooner now that the kids are older so I can have some independent financial security. I am just so mad how the denial blinded me to be who I am not and end up here in this corner shaking my head. I am not sure I can trust him....... if his drinking progresses or early A related illness. He too can be self centered and blame, shame, stubborn rage or stubborn silence so it can be very difficult to get info or compromised agreement.
Any good ideas about things in our finances I should be sure to check on? I need to get up to snuff on all this, errrggg! thanks, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
I would get some legal advice if I were you. Just to find out what rights you have, set your mind at ease, help you plan better for whatever future you decide to have.
I learned early on in my marriage that I would always work and earn my own money. I was 18 (& pregnant) and a senior in high school when I married my AH. He was 19 and working full time. We lived w/my parents. He made his money and spent his money. My parents stopped giving me lunch money for school when I got married and I felt like I couldn't ask my AH for the money. I scrounged for spare change every single day to buy lunch for myself and felt guilty if I had to ask my AH for any money. I knew from that point that I would always earn my own way. And after his 1st threaten of divorce a couple of years into our marriage, I knew I had better have a plan b w/money stashed away in case he did up and leave me high and dry.
Good luck to you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Just because he says none if it is yours doesn't make it so - the law has an opinion on this too. Knowing alcoholics, though, he'll say something like this one day, and then next day say the complete opposite.
If you really are worried, it might be worth just talking to a lawyer and getting some facts - always better to work with facts then fears. If assets like the house and the bank accounts are not jointly owned, you had better find a way to protect yourself.
My A watched the kids....drunk 1/2 the time. The most she does is the laundry and an occasional sink of dishes. Now that she has a license she is going maybe a 1/3 if the kids rides. I spent 2 years doing all of the kids rides because she had no license which she claims is my fault becuse I wouldn't give her the money. She had enough twice and blew it, once on a birthday gift for me that I told her we/she couldn't afford, the other time when she came out of the hospital. She gets $100 of disposable income per month which she chooses to spend on cigarettes. So, I take no ownership for that either.
That said, when we divorce she will get a sizable if not 50/50 split of not only our assets but our debts.
It is the way it is, at least in my state.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
I am not even sure who I am upset with most - myself or my A. In prior posts I explained how I gave up my career to stay home and raise our kids. I thought our plan was to get to a comfortable financial status and then share more the duties of parenting and household so we could both pursue our own interests. It was my dream or he forgot and I lost my dream while covering for everyone while I was in denial. He's also a work-aholic. Here I am, right out of the wonder years of the 50's........ then he says comments this weekend that I am now oversensitive about. 