The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I will be attending my first Al anon meeting tonite. I've been wanting to for some time but have finally gotten my nerve up to actually go.
My husband has been a problem drinker for some time. He has always had times where he would go on a binge for a couple of days, but it used to be much more far and few between. In the last year, he received a head injury that required 12 staples (from falling when drunk) and also got his 2nd DWI. More recently, in the last 6 weeks, he has been going on weekend benders EVERY weekend. He will "have to go somewhere and will be right back" on a Friday or Saturday night, and I won't hear from him again until he shows up drunk the following evening. There's no explanation on where he's been and if I ask he gets pissed off. I do not think this is normal behavior for a married man. I'm quite sure he would have a serious problem if it were me doing this.
When he comes home drunk, he comes home with an attitude. He's loud and on edge...like he's just waiting for me to say one thing and then he'll explode. I have gotten to the point that I no longer confront him because I know he'll get really nasty with me. We have 3 kids: ages 15, 10 and 3 and the older 2 definately know what's going on. I no longer lie or cover up for his behavior.
I'm to the point that I do not want to do this anymore. The problem is, I am not working right now. I've been trying to find something evenings and weekends because we haven't wanted to, nor been able to afford the cost to have our youngest in daycare. How do I leave if I don't have an income? How can I make him leave the house if there isn't any physical abuse? He won't leave just because I want him to. I've tried that and he has said if anyone is going to leave it will have to be me. My family is 4 hours away, so I can't easily go stay with them temporarily, especially when 2 of the kids are in school.
I am sick of tip toeing around him. I am sick of the roller coaster. I don't think it's fair to have my kids in what I feel is an unhealthy situation. He does these things and behaves this way and then the next day acts like nothing ever happened.
How do I get myself out of this situation??? I am angry, embarassed and ashamed that I am in this type of relationship.
I'm sorry that I am rambling...It just feels good to be able to vent.
So glad you found us here at MIP and Welcome!! I am sorry you are in such a tough spot with your husband. How wonderful that you are reaching out and trying to find help for you though. Alanon has been a wonderful blessing in my life. You will meet people who might be having the same type of experiences you are having right now and learn from them in how they are dealing with it. I know it might appear that your options are limited but new options will present themselves when you are ready to accept those new options. Who knows you might work this program and actually change your mind about some of your options. If you or the children are in danger physically then I'd say please find help at your local DV shelter.
I can really relate to how you are feeling right now. I have been in some very difficult situation with my AH. This program has taught me flexibility and planning. I think you are in a perfect place right now to learn how to detach with love from your AH and do what you feel is best for you and your children. He will have to deal with his own disease and the consequences of his actions. Keep posting to us to let us know how your meeting went.
Peace to you and your angels, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Welcome to MIP.... as I'm sure you already know, there are no easy answers to your problems listed, but you are making a great start by choosing to go to a meeting tonight... I would also encourage you to read whatever you can get your hands on about this disease - my highest recommendation would be the book "Getting Them Sober", volume one, by Toby Rice Drews. I think as you get yourself healthy, your options will start to become clearer. Keep coming back.
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
You are doing so well being aware that he has a drinking problem and going to Al Anon meetings. My A is a functional alcoholic so I was in denial that he even had an alcohol problem. We dealt with all kinds of mental health issues for my teens which resulted in these kids helping me to see part of our family issues was the alcohol. I've just come out of denial recently and al anon has already helped me a lot and everything I learn I can role model to the younger kids 13 & 15. The older ones are doing much better and moved away but it was a long haul for almost 6 years of crisis, one after another.
Al anon can help you and help you to help your kids too. Go to at least 6 meetings to get a good idea how it all works and keep coming back here to let us know how you are doing too. Best wishes and take good care of yourself.
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
I will give yu my esh. I came here two years ago, unemployed, and probably unemployable. I sat in the rooms day and night for a long time. I tried to come up with a plan b. I fleshed out a plan b here that is a plan on how to leave. I talked about how I felt about the plan be for a long time. I made plan c's. I worked to get support here and elsewhere. I went back and forth with the A a lot on leaving. i tried to hash out financial plans.I recently saw an email I wrote last November when I was furious at him and really clear I needed to leave. I did not acftually leave till about 18 months in here. Then I left because an opportunity arose to leave. I can't say its been easy. I wish I had fleshed out plan b more. I had lots of issues (no children) but lots of issues. There is much in a separation. The A and I were together 7 years. We had much merged belongings.
I felt a tremenodus amout of feelings leaving him. I felt rage, grief, ambivalence, it was a roller coaster. This room has helped me enormously. No one here will 'tell" you what to do. They'll offer their opionin sure but its up to you what you do, stay, leave, plan or whatever. Living with an active A is very difficult we all are aware of that. No one here is going to dismiss, judge, criticize you. There is enormous support, love and understanding here.
i'm still leaving the A on many many levels. I'm out six months now from living wiht him full time. Its been a eye opening experience.
I wish you luck, you have my compassion, understanding and ear.
Welcome to Alanon. I found that as I began to work on myself the details began to emerge and work themselves out. If you go to Alanon many good things can happen. Your changed attitude could be something that allows him to hit his own bottom (without pushing him there) and seeking help. You could learn how to live and still be happy with active alcoholism, or you could decide when/how to leave.
The most important part is to work on you. By working on you, your children will benefit greatly too! There is always alateen for them too.
Again welcome, Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
First of all, thank you all for your support!! It is greatly appreciated!
I did attend my first Alanon meeting last night. It was good and I will definately be going back. Interestingly, I found out that I have already started the "detachment" process without really realizing it. However, I'm not "detaching with love". At this point, I'm struggling with the idea of that. I don't know if I really want to, to be honest. I am just too angry. It was funny ... I just happened to open to a page in the Courage book that had an example of detaching with love.....there was a story of a woman whose husband would fall out of bed every night. For a long time, she would always make sure to help him back into bed. One night she decided to just step over him on her way into bed. She found out that to "detach with love" would be to not help him back into bed, but to cover him up with a blanket. Well, I'm still at the stage where I would just step over him. Hopefully I will be able to get a place where I can feel this way. I just don't know how to get past the resentment yet. I'm struggling with the concept that my A husband HAS to know that he is hurting us and how this will affect the kids' in the future, but that he doesn't care enough to want to change. The complete and total selfishness is maddening.
One thing that helped me learn to "detach with love", is when I realized that this was for MY health & sanity, and not just forgiving my A for all she had done.... In fact, detaching is quite separate from forgiveness, and it definitely didn't mean that I accepted or approved of my A's behaviors....
"Detaching with love" allows us the dignity of being the people we want to be... loving, caring souls.... I was tired of being angry, and could see the path of bitterness ahead.... I didn't want that for me, nor my children.
Slogans like "Hate the disease, love the alcoholic" are very real and powerful, and we must remember that the words "love the alcoholic" are not always coupled with "stay" or "put up with unacceptable behavior", etc....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Welcome, Mom, and congrats on your first meeting :)
I was in a similar position . . . my A would not leave, and I had livestock and a farm, so I chose not to leave either. It is a legitimate choice to not leave, but most definitely NOT an easy choice. You will need to take very, very good care of yourself . . . lots of meetings, lots of reading and venting, and I highly recommend getting a sponsor for the one on one contact you can have when you need it.
I'll "second" the suggestion "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drew. I got it from Amazon.com for a cent I think :D plus shipping. It is very practical and a classic for those affected by another's drinking.
I did eventually manage to get a restraining order, even though my AH never hit me. It depends on the laws in your state, but most are similar. Threats to hit you, destruction of property, etc, are grounds for getting an RO, and that's what I used. That's how I managed to get HIM to leave, but like I said before, it was a process and this board and my "real time" Alanon friends were vital to keep me together throughout.
I hope you come to visit us as often as you like, post and vent as you need, you are not alone! Kim :)
