The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been feeling soooo lonely and weak over the past few weeks. I had posted a time or two about this I believe. Praying that part of my problem was due to not being on the pill and my hormones going bananas. I prayed that this loneliness and weakness would pass me by sooner than later b/c it has really been wearing me down. Unfortunately, it has not passed and I allowed myself to be completely open to my AH. He came over this weekend and stayed all day Saturday, Saturday night (he slept on the couch) and Sunday.
Here is what happened: My MIL invited my daughter over Saturday night for a sleep over. That left me @ home w/my son and my AH. Now that I was free of my 5 yo, they invited me along w/them to do some shopping for my son (he had $ burning a hole in his pocket) and to the movies and dinner. As I was lonely and didn't want to stay home by myself and didn't really have a good excuse to sit @ home & mope, I said ok. MISTAKE. This opened up the door to my AH to start thinking we were getting back together. He was hugging me, kissing me, holding my hand, turning on all the charm and pushing all the right buttons. The buttons only he has ever known how to push. I kept telling myself to end the contact, put a stop to it. But I couldn't. I was too weak, too lonely. So I allowed it to continue until on Sunday I gave completely in and we ended up in the bedroom (using protection of course).
This whole thing has been so confusing to me. I don't think I can even explain it. I don't want to get back together w/my AH. Can't imagine living together w/him ever again. But I was so lonely. And the whole time I kept beating myself up, thinking I shouldn't be doing this, it is wrong. I even found my mind wandering and imagining him as someone else. I was feeling so guilty and so ashamed for letting the weekend turn into sex and for misleading him and for having thoughts of someone esle, for letting myself down and being so miserably weak and lonely. I tried to communicate to my AH about this, he may have heard what I was saying but I don't think he believes me. I know he still believes in his heart that we will get back together. And that makes me feel even worse. I am ready to move on, I WANT to move on......but I can't quite do it.
Part of me thinks the best way to get the point across to him AND myself is to get involved w/someone else. He would never forgive me for that action and therefore leave me alone. And once he has done that, it will be easier for me to leave our failed marriage behind too. With all that in mind, I don't believe I CAN get involved w/someone else. I proved that to myself when my mind wandered to that other man in the bedroom, thinking that if it was him I was with I'd still feel guilt and shame, like I was betraying my AH. Just thinking about it made me feel horrible guilt. 15 years of marriage and never being w/another man makes it so hard to even think I would mentally and emotionally be able to handle a relationship w/someone else no matter how much I long for it, for something new and exciting, for a healthier relationship.
When will this all be over? When will I be able to move on and finally enjoy life again whether I am involved w/another guy or single and ok? I am beginning to worry that I will never be able to move on b/c my AH will always be involved in my life and therefore he will always make it hard on me whether he does it intentionally or not. Oh how I wish I could just be free - mind, body & soul - free of despair and guilt and shame. Where is that strength I had a few months ago? Why can't I get it back? I am so exhausted. I am so ready for the game to be over.
I literally know exactly what you speak of. You are NOT alone. What has helped me recently is to just live for the day, or the hour or the minute, you know? Just for today, don't try and figure out yesterday or tomorrow, or this evening for that matter.
The only reason I saw that is from my ESH I have a better (not perfect) time of dealing w/ feelings like these when I'm in a place of knowing and loving myself better (not perfect).
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
I am sure that is most difficult. Reguardless of how you handle it on a given day... you are human and doing the best you can. If you want to do it different next time, then try that. Progress not perfection doesn't stop short of our sex lives I wouldn't think.
You know, we have loved these people for a long time... when we have good days and they are present emotionally, it's normal to want to rely on them.
Guilt about it, is a choice in my opinion.
You are in my thoughts and prayers...
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Girl, you don't need to feel guilty. I know exactly where you're at, I was there too. Just because you slept with him doesn't mean you have to do it again, owe him anything or any such thing. You made a choice right then, doesn't mean you ever will again. For me, it wasn't worth it. I couldn't enjoy it like I used to, all I could think about was him telling me about sleeping with women for a place to stay for a night - man whore... LOL Anyway, it just wasn't right anymore after that last time and that was the last time. I know he knows what I like and I'm sure that's why you went there too. You don't need to be alone. You can make new friends, find girls to hang with and just start fresh. Don't kick yourself and don't let him use that against you well you did.... so that means... It means nothing. It was and now it's gone.
Hi QOD, ugh, just remember that each day is a new day and you aren't BOUND by any actions you took with your AH. If anything hon you are very aware now of your neediness and can aim that need in a better direction for you.
If your A is anything like mine he's so caught up in his fantasy world that he'll never believe you no matter what you say or do, so don't worry that you lead him on, or that you opened a door. You can close it again if you want.
Sometimes these painful things are a turning point too. You have needs and they are legitimate and good. We all find ourselves here trying to find ways to meet our needs in better ways every day. Be kind to yourself :) Kim
