New and Lost - Al-Anon Family Group

diego doe · Newbie

New and Lost

annmarie · ~*Service Worker*~

(((diego doe))),

welcome to miracles in progress. you are right that the only person you can control and change is yourself. that in itself is a big realisation.

as for mistakes, well , it's through mistakes that we learn. i know we don't want to experience the pain of making mistakes often , but its often by going through it that we come out stronger.

and you do belong here, rest assured, as long as you are being affected by someones drinking.

in my opinion the reason you cannot walk away from your relationship is that you do not really want to. any change is scary, and the unknown can be more scary than the familiar.

we are all here for each other. keep posting and letting us know how you are getting on.

sending you my prayers
AM

bobump · ~*Service Worker*~

Not sure if you belong ?

Try here...
http://www.al-anon.org/S17web.html
1-

Do you worry about how much someone else drinks?

Sounds like you qualify but that is up to you. Also attend meetings both online and most importantly f2f. It's recommended that you try at least 6 different meetings as they all have their own flavor and personality.

Nobody in the program should judge whether or not you belong, except for you.

Welcome, you already sound as if you have some insights and the desire for self care. Great head start !

Bob

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi doe and welcome. Of course you belong here, and we are glad to have you. If his drinking causes disharmony and discord, then it is a drinking problem...to you. They do not necessarily see it that way.

The reason you do not leave the relationship is because you do not want, badly enough, to go. But whether you ultimately choose to stay or to go, AlAnon principles can and will be of great value to you as you take this journey into trying to understand addiction. There are so many facets of addiction that we, as non-addictive personalities, cannot understand. I used to say, "Why doesn't he just quit? Can't he see he is ruining his health and our relationship?" Now I know it is not as simple as that.

Try to get to some local AlAnon meetings, and continue to come back here to MIP. At both places you will find caring people who understand and do not judge.

You have not asked us for our advice on staying or going, so I will not comment on that aspect. We are not to give advice anyway, but I would if asked the question!!

I wish you peace,

Diva

Mandy123 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Diego doe)))) <---- hugs,
Welcome to MIP, so glad you found us.
Sounds to me like you belong here, you are affected by another's drinking.

I have been asking myself the same question about not being able to leave my "A" after 10 years. I agree with Diva, I don't want to badly enough. I am getting closer. The more I take care of me, the stronger I get. I can tell you I know this scares my "A".

Keep coming back. The ESH (Experience, Strength, and Hope) was life saving for me.

Yours in recovery,
Mandy aka Dolphin123

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Diego , I would direct you to the nearest Al-Anon meeting for starters .
It really dosen't matter how much they drink or how often , what matters is how it affects you when he/she does . Only they can decide if they drink too much and when it's time to stop .
Al-Anon will help to put things in perspective , help understand what it is your dealing with this is a disease and when in a relationship with someone who drinks too much we catch it too.
Most of us are enablers and until we stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselves not much will change . WE lie for them , cover up thier mistakes , make excuses for the crappy behavior and in general protect them from them selves . all because we love them . I did all the wrong things for the right reasons for yrs .
Why can't you leave ??? Only you know the answer to that question but I would guess it's because u love them and think if you love th em enough they will quit . Alcoholism has nothing to do with Love if love could cure alcoholism there would be no reason for AA or Al-Anon , this is a disease. Period
good luck Louise

friendofyours4 · Veteran Member

I am so glad you found us here. You are already a step ahead of some of us who went ahead and married our alcoholics and had children (which I don't recommend) ;)
You just may be stopping a world of chaos for yourself and future children.
You have already recieved a ton of help here, I hope you keep coming back. You are welcome here anytime. ((((HUGS))))

diego doe · Newbie

Thank you all, so much, for your reply's. Last night was aweful. Usually I run.... I want to run away thinking the buffer of time and distance will help protect my heart, only, it never does. So this time I stayed. Stayed in the painful feelings, the fear of the known and the unknown, and talked it out with him. Confirmed this morning my position of "being honest" knowing full well that he might be incapable at this point of honesty (even with himself.) I just have to do my part to take care of myself.

Thank you for this compassionate place to ask questions... what an excellent resource!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.