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This is my first post: sorry that I dont know your abbreviations yet and, if something I say doesnt make any sense to you, it might be because Im British.
My husband is an active alcoholic. Ive only just started going to al-anon. Ive been to 2 meetings so far and I have found them a comfort but Im expecting our first child in 7 and a half weeks and Im scared to death.
My reason for posting today is that I thought I would seek some support from my mother-in-law as we are the two people who love my husband most in the world. I told her that I believe he is an alcoholic (which I didnt think would be news to her!) and I explained that by constantly giving him hand-outs when hes blown the months budget on booze (which is every month) she was only perpetuating the problem. Hes always asking her for money to pay bills, but then just blows anything she gives him on his twin addictions of red wine and old jazz records.I gave his mum some al-anon literature to read and I thought she was OK with this.
So, I went to a conference for a few days last week and left my husband some money to tide him over until I got back. On Day 1 he lost his house keys and spent all the money so went running to his mum who, as usual, looked after him and gave him money and drink, (I think or he bought the drink with the money shed given him - either way, he rang me on two nights from her house and was obviously plastered.)
I saw her today and she said He stayed at our house while you were away and wasnt drinking much and I told him that hes got responsibilities and he had to think about the baby now and he seemed fine.
FINE??!!!Is she totally mad? How can she have thought that it was fine for her 34 year old son to be incapable of surviving for four days on his own without losing his keys and running out of money?How can she not have noticed that he was slurring his words? Why could she not have stuck to a simple rule of NOT GIVING HIM MONEY!
I dont know what to do. Its all very well for me to follow the rules (allowing him to get on with it and not doing things for him or protecting him from the consequences of his drinking) but, if his mum is going to do everything for him, what is the point? She doesnt believe there is a problem but he is always drunk when she sees him. I know some alcoholics are good at hiding it when theyre drunk but, believe me, he is NOT one of them.
I think shed rather help her son kill himself than admit there is a problem. Its a horrible thing to say but, right now, I just hate her. I HATE HER. Writing that doesnt make me feel any better. I thought it might.
Ive got five days until my next al-anon meeting. Any words of wisdom will be gratefully received.
I'm only speaking from my own experiences so you can take what you'd like and leave the rest. My husband was raised by a Scottish Doctor and a Brittish concert pianist and they were very big into socializing. To them, drinking was just part of who they were and the way they were brought up. It was not unusual for a 12 year old to have a glass of wine with dinner. Could it be that your husbands mother doesn't understand the severity of drinking? Alot of things have changed from when she was growing up. I wish I had an answer to your problem but I think his mother is going to always help out her son unless she realizes that she's really killing him. Now that you are going to be a mother the drinking might become a bigger issue for you, it did for me. Get all the advice and help you can get. It's up to you to protect that baby and yourself. Good luck and I wish you the best. Please keep coming back.
Here's a small list of some of the abbrev. AH-alcoholic husband AW-alcoholic wife DH-dear husband DW-dear wife F2F- face to face (meetings) ESH- experience, share, help (?) LOL-laughing out loud
(((((Emmie))))) Coming from personal experience, I found my own mother in law to be quite controlling and an enabler of my husband's addiction. She also gave him money for his habit. She would speak with him on a daily basis, he would visit her daily, and if she didn't see or hear from him that day she would call. It's quite sickening, if you ask me. The best solution for me is to keep away. It got to where she knew more about what was going on in his life than I did. Since his arrest (he was arrested for possession), he has (as far as I know) discontinued calling her and visiting. When he was an active user of drugs and alcohol, it was taboo for me to say anything slightly concerning or negative about "his mother". I can empathize with you in your situation. What is most important now is you and your baby. I am a mother of a 2 year old girl. She is my priority and her safety is paramount. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
(((((((Emmie)))))))), Welcome to MIP, glad you found us. And let me say your post made perfect sense. British or not the disease is universal.
This disease is cunning and touches everyone. Your mother-in-law has been affected to, and sounds like she is in denial. Sadly the only one in this situation that you can control is you. Hopefully she will open her eyes to what she is doing, but that is something that may not happen in your time line.
Can you attend meetings here online? The chat room is open 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. If you just need someone to talk to.
Keep working on you, and keep coming back.
Yours in recovery, Mandy aka Dolphin123
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Hi Emmie and welcome! We have something in common...I am an American girl, but my significant other is a British alcoholic!! LOL!! I know this is no laughing matter, but a little humor goes a long way.
Mum is in total denial, and until she gets a grip on the fact that she is helping to kill her son, she will continue her enabling ways. This may never change. For you, AlAnon can do wonders in addressing your understanding of the problem, and helping you get to the point of peace and serenity over the matter.
Do you have any plan to leave him? Are you totally committed to life with an alcoholic? If you are committed, you must learn the techniques that allow you to do so with total understanding. If not, then decisions must eventually be made. THe important considerations are you and that precious child you are carrying.
You may hate mother-in-law, but try to understand where she is coming from. Most mothers would walk over burning coals for their child, and she is no exception. Her influence is not healthy, but there is little you can do that you have not already done.
DO come back here often as you can. There are many, many caring people here who will stay with you throughout the journey. I don't know what I would have done without them...so many times.
With great caring and concern,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
MIL's can be brutal. They are in a horrible position. It is their child who has the disease and with or without knowledge of alanon they feel somehow responsible. He is her child. That being said, I also HATE my ex mil. LOL! She stepped in every single time I stepped back so that my ex NEVER has fallen and hit bottom. He is "sober" but not sane. My ex mil believes that his severe mental illness and addiction can be cured thru use of herbs and sweat lodges. He gave it a shot, and maybe still is but the vitamins didn't stop him from stealing from me and sexually assulting me. I despise this woman who I was very close to at one point (at least I thought I was). She dumped my kids, her grandchildren because HE came first. I could go on and on but none of that is really helpful. I have no contact with the ex inlaws now. Just another effect of the disease of Aism. That's my experience, my hope is that they all find a path to happiness,sanity and sobriety. But that will not be thru me or anything I could do or say. Never have I ever told someone what they have to do or should do to make their life better and gotten the response "OH! Thank you so much for telling me how screwed up I am and how to fix it! I so apperciate your input, I will change that right now!" LOL! Wouldn't it be so great if they did? I know it is frustrating. When we are ready to stand back and let the train wreck happen they jump right in front of the train and try their damndest to stop it not seeing they are only preventing the envitable and in fact making it worse not just for the A but really for us. AAGGGHHHH for MIL's! I say that knowing that I will be one someday and I hope I remember all of this!
Welcome - we're glad you are here. I can totally relate to this. Although the circumstances are different, I too was having trouble with the As mom and her enabling him. I found myself getting very controlling and critical of her and voiced my opinions to the A. I feel terrible for that now and realize that I was not only powerless of Alcohol, I was also powerless over the A, and his mother. I had to learn to detach from both. I said what I could and provided as much literature and hints as possible. But in the end, she has an illness to - her addiction is being addicted to the A. And even if I tried to get her in line, there would be someone else or something else that would enable the A. I had to just let go and practice detachment. It truly works and you'll keep yourself sane - the resentments and negative energy will dimish and I found compassion for both of them. Detaching enabled me to get on the outskirts of the disease so I didn't get sucked in.
I realize with a baby on the way you have high hopes and dreams and expectations of what you'd like to see happen. The truth is we are powerless over others actions, behaviors, illnesses. Just be sure to keep yourself helathy and sane however you need to. I wish you well. You and your higher power will get through this.
Thank you all so much for your responses. It really has made me feel a lot better to know that I'm not alone. I guess that's the idea!!! I do realise that my MIL adores my DH (thanks for the help with the abbreviations by the way!) and thinks she's doing what's best for him. It just makes me so cross that she won't face reality and is making it worse. But I suppose that shows that I haven't yet accepted that this programme is for me, not DH and not my MIL.
I'm feeling a bit panicky as the birth gets closer and I think - what do I do if he's drunk when i go into labour? What do i do when he gets drunk and I've got a baby? - it's one thing to go and spend the night with a friend when it's just me and a bump, but what about when I have to get out of the house with a baby and all our stuff? And I don't know if I'll ever be able to leave him alone with our baby. And, no, I really don't want to leave him. I love him to death. (I just hope he can find sobriety before it comes to that.)
