The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So last week she tells me that "I Love you, I am just not in Love with you" Then she gets mad at me for not giving her a kiss goodbye in the morning when I left for work...... These are the things that make us crazy isn't it. The uncertain emotions from my AW. She is sober and goes to meetings and I asked her. Do you work on the steps and all she could say is "after 5 years years and I haven't even reach step 4"
It is the same answers that hurt what about us "I don't know"...Do you want to stay together "I don't know". I truley believe that she is so confused that she does not know what she wants.
She will not go to counseling with me... So I have gone by myself. I will try to take care of myself first and and see what happens.
The problem is I believe in a HP it is I have become so bitter that I am having a hard time turning myself over to him. I have been attending Al-anon meetings and that seems to help. Also, reading the literature is really helping. I do take it "One day at a Time" It just is that I am tired of Rollercoaster rides.
I have been through that so many times... it plays with the heart and the soul. One day I realized... and believed it to be true... that my wife was so very inconsistant when she was attempting to manipulate. I don't think she did it on purpose... she had just become so used to trying to guilt me into doing everything, that even when all she wanted to do was have me say I love you... she would ask for it by saying ridiculous hurtful things.
To me it is just part of the disease...
I will take one thing you wrote and tell you what has made a difference in my life.
you said .... "... I do take it 'one day at a time'" and I used to do that.... take it, and take it, and take it. Until my heart just could take no more...
Today I try and "live my life" one day at a time. And I allow my wife the dignity and respect to do the same. And that is so much different for me. I do what needs to be done. Do what needs to be done for me and the kids... and sometimes just for me. At some point I was told that I didn't have to ride every rollercoaster..... and you don't have to either.
We are not doing anyone an injustice by not hopping on the rollercoaster... in fact "let it begin with me" could mean just that... don't get in that line anymore. It won't mean you don't love your wife.
We are all here for you, thank you for sharing that. It helps us all.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
(((Paul))), Yes the ride gets tiring doesn't it? I know I have wanted to jump off so many times.
I also believe my "A" and I need counseling, but he thinks our marriage is just fine. Ahhhhhhh the ignorance of denial. I to am choosing to seek outside help. I am in process of finding someone who has expereince with addiction and marriage counseling. The local inpatient treatment director gave me a name, I just hope my insurance will cover her.
In the end we need to take care of ourselves. I used to be scared that every step forward for me, was another step further away from him. But then I asked myself if I wanted to stay where I was, and the answer to that is no. I want to be healthy, happy, joyus, and free. I hope he joins me in my walk, but I can not control that.
I wish you the best. And as for the HP thing. One Day at a Time. I was agngry and bitter when I first came to alanon. But I was able to let that go, my HP was screaming for my attention and ready to give me the love and compassion that I deserve, I just had to take the ear plugs out to hear him.
Keep coming back, the program works if you work it. Yours in recovery, Mandy aka Dolphin123
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Hello Paul , a few yrs ago I found myself in the same position you are right now , husb was 3 yrs sober not much had changed and i thought to hell with this , if this is Sobriety you can have it , and started to make plans to leave my marriage. My biggest lesson in gratitude came right about then , one of my sponcee's husband shot himself because he just could'nt stop drinking . I watched that family walk around like Zombies trying to figure out what just happened to thier father and husb. after the service I came home and my husb was standing waiting for me at the door , all i could do was hug him and say thank God you survived this G/D disease. As I walked to our room I looked up and said God if your there and there is supposed to be a relationship here your going to have to do it . cause I quit !!! seems nothing happens for me til I QUIT , in other words surrender. Quit trying so hard , just be who you were meant to be , He will take care of the rest . good luck Louise
