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Hey guys. First of all I want to say THANK YOU for all your responses. My friends her at Alanon are just great!!!
I went to see the attorney on Wednesday. I couldn't beleive I actually I went. There had been 3 other times in the past 2 years that I had scheduled appointments that last minute I cancelled. My hubby always talked me out of it. This time no one was going to. But of course didn't file!! Atleast not yet. Atleast I know what my options are and what it's going to cost, etc. I'm OK. It's kinda wierd. There hasn't been much crying, except for when i think about "my kids" and "His Family" I spoke to my sister in law the other day and she had me balling my eyes out. (we cried together). She had said the my hubby and and I are the foundation of the family. She can't imagine us not being together. She can't imagine the holiday, etc without me. And she can't imagine me not being her sister in law. BOY! Was I cryin!!!! Her and I have a wonderful realationship. Acutally her and I talk more than she talks to her brother.
Hubby told his bestfriend what was going on and I thought for sure he would understand since he's been around for a long time (he's not a drinker) and has seen first hand what happens when AH drinks. When I asked my hubby what he thought about it he asked if I had someone else!!!!!!!! Oh man Was I upset. I almost want to call him and explain how dissapointed I am that he said that he would even think that of me. What do you think?
Anyway....So after talking to the family and the attorney we came up with this idea. Let me know what you guys think. Everyone plans on coming over here tomorrow (Sunday) to talk. NOT an interventiion! Just to sit and talk to him and let him know that I"m not the only one affected by it. He seems to think that I'm the only that has a problem with it. Let him know that it's not ONLY me he hurts. I guess I just what to see ONE MORE time what kinda of reaction we'll get out him. If after hearing everyone MAybe he'll really realize that wow I really do have a problem OR just be all upset about it. I guess then I will have my FINAL desicion. No one is going to give him ultimatives. We'll talk then listen to what he has to say. If he mentions getting help, then yes I will stick around and support hime thru it. If not, then I know what to do from there. I don't want a divorce. That's the las thing I want. But I also don't want to live with an A anymore.
Now one more thing....Should I tell him about tomorrow. I'm getting different feed backs. no you shouldn't because then he will have time to think about what to say by then. No you shouldn't he might take off. Yes you should so he's not upset and surprised. ??????
Thanks AGAIN for listening. ((((((((EVERYONE)))))))))
Good for you for going to the attorney and learning about your options! I know how difficult that was for me, so I am proud of you!!!
A saying that has helped me a lot since I heard it in this program is "What other people think of me is none of My business". Helps to remind me that I only have to be happy with and true to myself. Doesn't matter what someone else's reality of who they THINK I am is! Also doesn't make it necessary to defend or explain who I am or my actions to others that don't really need to know these things.
I also know about what you are feeling with the family members. When I got divorced it was very hard on my ex-father in law, and b & sil's. We all love each other. I was especially close to my fil. I would tell you that just because the marriage ended doesnt mean we still can't be close...and I have kept in contact with my ex-fil, but our visits grow more seldom. But I will always care for him and for all of my in-laws and nieces and nephews.
But ultimately one thing is true, life changes for us all...one way or another. And I have learned that it is not my responsibility to try to make everyone else happy at the expense of my own happiness.
I pray your Sunday is a positive one for you. No matter what happens, I pray that you gain insight into the path your life needs to follow and that it is something that helps you to become the best you that you can be!
(((Sil))), I have no words of wisdom about that meeting you are planning on having Sunday. All that came to mind was mean what you say and not say it mean (must be my mantra for the day). I hope and pray he "hears" you and your family.
It must have been difficult going to see an attorney and what a big step, there is growth there. Yay you!
I know what you mean about not wanting to live with an active "A" anymore. I have thought of divorce, but right now my focus is on getting him the heck out of my house if he is going to continue to be active.
You and yours are in my prayers today and tomorrow.
Yours in recovery, Mandy aka Dolphin123
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Hi (((s))), I don't know that I have anything to add to what has been said here. Just wanted to lend my support. I struggled so long on what to do, what to do...I just wanted someone to tell me what to do...They just didn't know the situation well enough to be able to tell me. I found I did best by just doing the next best thing...Making a list and doing what I could that day and crossing them off. The things that couldn't be accomplished I just left and put the list away in my desk drawer. I felt good about doing the things I could do and the fact I did them. Crossing them off the list gave me great satisfaction. The act of putting that list of the things I couldn't do and putting it in the drawer came to signify giving it over to my hp. Like here you go HP ...These are the things I need your help with...I give them to you today...The next day I started a new list...Some of the things I gave over were on the list for a long time...but "at least" I gave them some thought and prayer and that act of putting them away gave my mind a little rest. My sponsor told me sometimes making the decision to not make a decision right now is a decision...that helped too.
Since I don't know your husband I don't know what to say about Sunday. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
I echo on what David said about what peeps think of me.
As for the quasi intervention, I'll share my ESH. I keep looking for signs in my A that told me to leave or stay.
It wasn't until I focuses on myself, and looked into myself for the answer that I got it. Then I was still enough to hear the answer. Then my actions were no longer being dictated by whether someone did what I thought was right. My actions were now dictated by what action I THOUGHT was right for ME to do.
When my AW baits and I bite into talking about the marraige and I start to JADE, I do get into the battles of justifying why I'm leaving. That is when I'm losing my serenity right now, when I do that. Justifying for me leads to blame. Nothing, absolutely nothing good came come out of blaming each other for the result of this marraige. Maybe we can share the blessing of three children and some happy times.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
For your own reasons I can see why you would want to do the intervention, but as long as you know that it's not going to make him stop. It would be nice if he had an epiphany but the chances are slim that it will happen. I understand trying everything under the sun before the divorce. You do what you think you need to do for yourself and for your own closure. Good luck.
The one thing that stuck out when I read your post was that he thinks you are the only one he's hurting. Why is that ok? Why do you need to prove to him that there are others too? You are the one he married, and his behavior is not ok even if you were the only one being hurt.
Good luck, Dear. You are in my thoughts.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I think I would still be tryng to intervene in the A's denial if I could. I choose not to these days. I'm not sure when its at the point where you say I've done everything I can. I know for whatever reason I had to go there. I recently left the A a message saying I have plenty of my own problems I don't need yours too. I pointed out to him that since everything i do is "nothing" or minimized I've stopped doing. I simply dont' have the energy anymore.
I do understand the desire to do whatever it is you can. Do you have a plan b. What if he is still in denial. I wish I had refined and refined my plan b's. Now I try to have a plan b,c, and d if I can.
Some people have to hit a lot of bottoms, some hit low bottoms. Who knows what is enough. I know I simpy can't do it anymore.
