new wife of alcoholic - Al-Anon Family Group

entropyart · Member

new wife of alcoholic

bobump · ~*Service Worker*~

I think there is always hope. Hope for something better, sometimes I dont' know what that something is.

If an A is faced with losing everything, sometimes including their own life, I don't know what ever possesed me (and sometimes still does possess me) to think anything I can do can possibly change that.

If your husband chooses to risk his life and drink one beer a day. You might try to be grateful for the fact that you aren't living w/ other behaviors of the disease and then you can enjoy each and every minute of you being together. He still might come around and realize what he needs to do for himself.

The other option I see is nagging, scolding, slapping, screaming. Which hasn't worked yet. He might someday choose to stop but it won't be from being made to feel badly. And you'll have lost all that time living a happy life together. Good forbid he chooses not to stop....what time you've had has been spent in misery.

Someone else might have some more options but I'm in a 'life for the moment mode.'

Bob

entropyart · Member

thank you Bob, i had to come to that realization this week. I told him, if he can work on being honest with me, then i will not chastise or react negatively. it feel like the betrayal hurts more than the drinking. It is clear that threats and ultimatums do not work. i think i figured since he wasn;t the typical "raging A" that he would not do the typical behavior...and he is... i mean it's uncanny how he is doing everything aa and alanon literature says he will do.

i just wonder if i should run or stick by him

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi entro,
Welcome...
My husband was not a raging alcoholic either. He held a position with the 2cnd largest construction company in the world for 20 yrs. and moved up the ladder within the company. All the while the minute he walked out of the office he got hammered.
There are certain behaviors that most alcoholics have. Like hiding the drinking, mostly due to their own shame which they deny they even have. He tried to convince me he wasn't hurting a thing. He made good money, was a good provider, bought a nice home and hung on to those 3 things in every argument. Cuz that's ALL he did. He attempted to be a good Dad and was when push came to shove, but he wasn't there everyday for the kids like he could have been. Somehow he still had their love and respect. Which actually made it all harder. I couldn't argue much with him.

What he wasn't is PRESENT in our lives. He didn't drink at home much, he went directly to the bar after work, came home and passed out. I can't tell you how much fun that was! There were many times when I needed him for something but he was too out of it to be of any assistance.

He somehow made me feel selfish because admittedly what was "wrong" was that he wasn't there for me. When I complained that he went to the bar every night he'd say "feel free to go out if you want". What he didn't get is that I didn't want to, I just wanted him to come home.

It's a long story but he is sober now, 19 months. It wasn't initially his choice. He got real sick and was hospitalized 2x over a period of 2 months.

Like Bump said, there is always hope, it's just that you have to determine if you want to do the work it takes to get yourself to a place of peace, which can require attending meetings and doing the step work. Even then, relationships can fail, people change and move on. There's no easy answers when it comes to the stay or bail question.
What I can tell you is that Alanon will teach you to put yourself first and perhaps help you find the clarity you seek.

Keep coming back,
Christy

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

I cannot improve on Christy's post. She has spoken clearly and honestly.

What I can do is wish you peace as you contemplate the decisions you must, sooner or later, make.

With caring,

Diva

entropyart · Member

thank you both...the more i realize how normal this all is the less dramatic it seems...which means i will be able to go home and act less dramatically.

he admits daily he's an addict and says "it's just one beer" "i need professional help" he wont do aa and we cant afford rehab, but he is going to a therapist on monday. and in october he will be covered on my insurance and starts going to an addiction specialist.

bobump · ~*Service Worker*~

To stay or go....one of the things I'm in awe of in this program is there is no answer.

I like to remind newcomers that you'll find many who leave the A. You will also find many who are able to find peace, contentment and happiness while staying even though their A is active.

Only through self disocovery will you discover the anser that is right for you.

Welcome and I hope you keep coming back.

Bob

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

Lots about him - how about you? How are you doing? Getting any support, having any fun?

The reason so many of his behaviours seem familiar when reading this board is that he has a disease, and these are the symptoms. There are also behaviours which tend to be common among those who live with alcoholics - if you find you have some of them, we can help you find healthier ways to react. Welcome.

entropyart · Member

i'm definately finding i do the behaviors i see on al anon sites. I am very active in my church, he pulled me away but i am getting back into it. I also am an artist and am not letting him keep me from my art.

I must say, he is a very MILD alcoholic, which almost seems worse, he's not violent, he doesn;t drink to the point of drunkeness(sp)...he just is sick...i guess i have to realize he's just sick...i have to live my life but i am so codependent on him....just looking through the board here today i realized i am a child of alcoholics and my choosing him as my husband is typical behavior....

so i'll go to the meeting in my area next wed., we go to a therapist monday morning, and i just booked a massage for this evening (it's payday why not)

before today i woudl never leave him alone (outside of work) like he needed a babysitter---i couldn't let him out of my sight----i guess i need to get ovr that

bobump · ~*Service Worker*~

Mild A might be a blessing. And not for the reasons you may think.

I had an A that was/is not mild, I know I used to feel empowered and rightouse in acting in large idiotic ways to try to change them.

All living w/ a major A did for me was enabled me to make an bigger A** out of myself through my actions. That didn't change until I decided to change.

Bob

Friendofyours · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't want to be the barrer of bad news but if his disease has progressed to what you say then one beer can hurt him. If his liver is shot out then one beer is all he needs because his liver can no longer filter it and one beer is all it takes. It may seem mild to you but it's actually end stages of alcoholism. I know this because I just lost two friends. One was a 35 yr old female and the other was a 50 year old man. Both drank and cut down because their bodies were very sick. The male started to get bloated and the female had alcoholic malnutrition. Two different spectrums of the disease. It's all very serious. The bad news is that if he keeps going knowing he's to this point it may be too late to reverse the damage of his liver. He needs to quit and quit now. I'm sure his doctor told him that.
Do what you can to help and show him the seriousness. But please take this very serious. I'll keep you in my prayers. ^i^

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi entro,

Until your husband has a biopsy or CT scan or ultrasound there is absolutely no way to tell the extent of the cirrhosis. Blood tests can show if liver disease is present, but not the extent of the damage. Cirrhosis is cause by scar tissue on the liver. Typically caused by daily drinking of large amounts of alcohol for at least a decade according to medical statistics.
Many people with cirrhosis have no symptoms in the early stages of the disease. However, as scar tissue replaces healthy cells, liver function starts to fail. (You can google the symptoms of failure).
My husband drank for over 20 yrs with no outward signs of illness, so even the 10 yr. statistic has exceptions.. Even then, he was bombarded with drugs (over 15) for pneumonia treatment when his liver finally acted up due to not being able to process all of them.
The severity of the damage process depends on how much a person drinks and how long the person has been abusing alcohol. The amount of alcohol needed to injure the liver varies widely from individual to individual.

That being said, until he decides to help himself there is still nothing you can do about him, but much you can do to help yourself.

Christy

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome.

Well it is a horrible disease, alcoholism. In my experience and reading this board all these years, I would NEVER have kids with an A.

Even if he stops drinking, but does nothing else, it won't matter, in fact it will be worse. Alcoholism has many symptoms besides drinking or using any other drug.
With out a program of recovery it is almost positively true, he will start to use again.

It cannot be cured and it will get worse in ways you cannot imagine.
It makes us very sick also. The sooner you can get to alanon meetings in your area the better.

Come here often too. I hate to sounds so negative, but have to be straight with you. The disease does NOT go away. Manipulation, lies, selfishness etc are only part of the symptoms of alcoholism.

Getting Them Sober, is a great book to learn with.

Keep coming back and stop thinking of him and think of you. love,debilyn

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.