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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> I need to breath....
Post Info TOPIC: I need to breath....
bobump


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I need to breath....
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<deep breath in>  <exxxxxhale>

I told my AW yesterday afternoon that I want a divorce.  It was hard for me to say those specific words.  I used phrases like we are done.  The marriage is done.  Amazing how hard it is to say.

 

I was wondering what would be best, one on one, or with a counselor present.  My HP took care of that because it just seemed to flow.  It was interesting that she didnt bring up until later in the session that this came up yesterday.  I figured it would be number one on the list of things to discuss.  As the counselor asked me questions, it just came out.

 

My AW is ANGRY !.  I told the counselor, I can understand.  Its probably taken me at least 7 years of grieving to get here.  That I was looking at the stages of grief and seeing how I bounced back and forth among many of the stages.  Sometimes when she got out of rehab and started attending AA meetings, I may have even gone all the way back to denial.  The counselor asked me what stage I was in today and I quietly yet firmly said..acceptance.  My AW on the other hand, has had no time to really process this.  Im sure she has known that our marriage was seriously broken.  But I think she was in denial at how broke it was or if it could come to this.

 

The counselor said it will get worse before it gets better.  During the anger and bargaining, I know that will be certainly true.  I do worry about depression.  With her history of self harm.  I know I cant be responsible for her choices in that arena but I cant just not care.  And also, the kids need their mom.  So I do feel that I must be maybe not vigilant but at least aware in case I need to have her in a safe place. 

 

This was hard.  She behaved the way I had feared for all these years.  The fears that kept me from saying the words and following the inner voice.  I need to keep in mind that I have a program, I have a church, I have family and I have dear friends that can be there.  I have to remember to exercise self care. 

 

Some moments as a couple of close friends have been reminding me and sometimes actually coaching me.

 

This too shall pass, like a kidney stone but it will pass. I can't wait for my spritual CD with a song/chang/affirmation to breath.  I SOOOO need it now. 

 

I just need to remember to brrrrreeeeeaaaaath.



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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are!  (added by me...in that special alanon way)
Lunamoth


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((((Bobump))))

Just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. Fear can keep us in a holding pattern, one that prevents us from doing what's best for ourselves.

I like the quote from Hope for Today it says "It helps to keep in mind that getting better doesn't always mean feeling better. When I need to walk through the pain to let it go, I remember 'This to Shall Pass'."

Keep moving forward, a little at a time, and yes smile.gif keep breathing. I told my A just the other day, "I can't make this easy or better for you." It's not our job to help them accept what's going on or explain why we are choosing to do what we are doing. Nor can we expect them to say Okay and be fine with it. It's time to be selfish, take care of our own needs put what's best for us and our kids first. Remember your HP is helping you, carrying you along...and don't forget you AW she's got that same support, her HP will get her thru this -- you don't have to take on her anger or help make this okay for her.

Hang in there -- sending you lots of (((((hugs))))) and support.

Luna

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david62


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(((((Bump)))))

It is so hard sometimes to do the right thing for us.

I admire your  strenght for doing what you feel is the right thing, knowing full well that it will not be immediately accepted by your wife.

In my own marriage the situation was reversed.  My ex is the one who finally said what you did to your wife.  I took me a little while, but I too finally reached acceptance, after going through all those other stages.  I pray that your wife does too.

Keep taking those deep breaths, and remember each of you has a HP that is holding you in his hands.

Yours Still in Recovery,
David

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Laughter is the Beginning of Healing
Loupiness


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((((Bobump)))),

Yes, sometimes remembering to breathe is all we can do. Hard to believe that finally asking for a divorce can be the greatest gift to ourselves. Kids change everything, don't they? I'm thinking they are a big part of the reason you held on as long as you did. Denial can be both a friend and an enemy and it is amazing the different forms it takes.

I will be doing such a thing too very soon. The pain is unbearable at times. Take the time to cry. Hard. I hope that you are able to get your wife the help she needs and that she will receive it. Of course you cannot force it, only suggest and support. I know that feeling of relief when they finish rehab and start AA. It's a huge feeling of relief that is quickly dashed when you realize that you are no where near the finish line; it is the starting line of a whole new unpleasant journey only to return back to the very beginning again.

Hang in there. I wish I could hug you.

Blessings,
Lou

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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace.
~ Ronald Reagan~

Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't
~Marguerite Bro~
Rita G


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Prayers & keeping you in my thoughts, also your AW as you both travel this painful road.

Rita

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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK - teamwork.gif
Christy


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(((((Bump)))))

I wish I could tell you that the hard part is over, but it isn't.  Just one of the hard parts.  What I can say is ..Opposed to what you have been through in the past, at least in the end you can begin a new way of life and design it any way you choose.  I'm excited for you because I know who you are and what you are capable of.

I recently gave my son a poem and it seems appropriate here too. (I am older then you ya know..lol)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The mold for your success and fortune is in your hands.
You cannot do everything,
but you can always do something.

Consider your actions wisely,
for the consequences can be deadly

Only you can find success.
Nobody can do it for you.
Nobody will do it for you.
You have to make it happen.

There is always something you can do to change a bad situation.
The people that really succeed in the world 
are the people who look for the circumstances they want,
and, if they can't find them, they make them. 

Love you (((bump)))

Christy

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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them.  And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
canadianguy


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Tough times, for sure, but the step you just took is a HUGE one....  I had to do that same thing, about six years ago, after trying to salvage what little marriage/relationship was there....  Four things come to mind, from my experience....

1. My counselor, almost yelling the words to me...   "Tom, you are trying to save a white picket fence marriage, but guess what - yours is NOT a white picket fence marriage.

the next two were words from my wise old sponsor, who helped me along my path.

2. Make your decision, and walk proudly forward, holding your head high.

3. It's okay to look at our past, just don't stare.

4.  the last one was from a friend of mine in Al-Anon - a lady - who remained with her (emotionally) abusive and depressed alcoholic hubby for years and years, all for the "sake of the kids".  Her kids are now grown, the father is dry (but hardly recovered), and she was having a conversation with her 20 year old daughter that went something like this (bear in mind that she & her daughter have a great relationship, so this was simply truth, not attacks)

M: "I hope you understand that I stayed for you guys, and wanted to teach you about perseverance, dedication, and commitment"

D: "Mom, I know you stayed for "us", but what you really taught me was that it was okay to be a doormat, okay to be treated like crap, and okay to put up with bulls**t all the time.... THAT is what you taught me"



I bring that story up all the time, as I think it is really powerful....  we tend to do things, or try to do things, for the proverbial "right" reasons - i.e. good of the children, what our friends/family think we should do, etc., etc - but it is incredible what our reality is really like.

For what it's worth, and for the difficulty and emotional strain you are feeling right now - I truly believe that you have given it your all, and that you are making the BEST decision for all concerned.  You have put in amazing time, effort, and emotion into trying to make it all work, and sometimes it just does not.  It's very hard to "push on a rope", and sometimes we need to simply accept that.

Take care
Tom


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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"What you think of me is none of my business"

"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"

 

 

 

 
maresie2


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I know it took me a long long time to walk away. I also know when I did it was the right time for me. I am still in that process and its a long hard one. I feel for you and I hope you will use al anon as much as you can through the process. I also know youve been out there in the woods before and survived. You have resources now that you did not have then.

maresie.

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maresie
wp


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(((Bump)))) You've worked through your situation with such care and conscientiousness ever since I came here to the room January 06. I know you will do the right thing for you and your kids; your choice is not impetuous by any means. So I also know you will work on through your future with the same perseverance. Live and let live, and don't forget the LIVE part!

mspw

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Maria123


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((((((((((((((((Bump)))))))))))))))))))))))))),

I am here for you ole buddy!!!!!!!!!!!!

Get How to Survive the Loss of a Love by by Peter McWilliams (Author), Harold H. Bloomfield (Author), Melba Colgrove (Author).

It won't be easy no matter who makes the decision.  On a positive note, there is light at the end of the tunnel my dear.

We are with you!!!!

Love Maria

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If I am not for me, who will be?  If I am only for myself, then who am I?  If not now, when?
Jen


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(((Bob)))

My thoughts are with you. I agree with Tom and his story. I am trying hard to each my kids that Dad is sick, but it is still not ok for him to treat us like doormats. I do not want to normalize all of this for them. I want them to know its ok to stand up for themselves. I want them to learn to have standards for how they should be treated. My parents did not teach me those things, Alanon did.

Hang in there. We are here for you. Breathing is good.

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~Jen~

"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
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