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The RO stands for me. It was modified so that he can see the kids. I did not want that as he only ever uses the kids to get to me. My lawyer is an idiot and said " It would Ok for Mr. Doofus's sister to contact her to arrange supervised visitation." I think I looked at him like he had 3 heads. Doofus agreed to everything and when all was said and done he said to the judge " Well, she has more money than me and I'll never be able to see the kids.". The judge explained to the poor vicitim dofus that he would need to get a lawyer is that is the case as the court appointed lawyer that he is getting is strictly for the RO. My lawyer interjected that I only make X amount of dollars a week (not even close to the proverty level for 4 people) and Mr. Doofus, by choice, has only seen the kids 2 times since March.
I was so terrified. I understand that fight or flight response. I saw him and his new skank and I wanted to run. I was so scared for my saftey. I knew that was slightly irrational as we were in a court house and he couldn't do anything to me right there. But I never thought, all the times he did stuf to me that he could or would.
No one even mentioned that this man is a mentally ill crack head. He will have to have a third party contact me as far as seeing the kids. His sister ( the one he refused to let see the kids back in Jan. because he said she was still drinking and didn't want her to be any influence on our kids) called me to set up visitation for him. Not going to happen. It will have to be thru an agency.
I didn't want him to see the kids at all. This man has sexually assulted me, beaten me,ETC and he has been verbally abusive to the kids, he has used extremley bad judgement with our kids and he got his 14 year old drunk last year. But I had to take them off the RO or look like a bitch and have the whole RO resinded. My lawyer is an idiot.
This has done nothing to relieve my anxiety about seeing him constantly in town. And the fact he had the nerve to make a comment that I have more money than him! He just bought his "fiancee" a DIAMOND ENGAGEMENT RING! REFUSES TO PAY ANY SUPPORT! I hate him, I am scared of him and I tried like hell to use my tools to detatch and let God. But this is more than "life is unfair and change your perspective" This is criminal. And still he plays the victim. I have been suffered every kind of abuse at his hands and I explained to my idiot lawyer that as long as we were married he would feel he had some control over me and look what he has done to me. I REFUSE to take responsibility in his sexual assults. I did not want that. There is no "my part". I am pissed off to put it mildly.
I am at a loss. I am sick and I pray I am at my bottom. All I wanted was some protection, I asked the courts and I feel I was failed yet again. I have never been protected, not by my parents, not by my Ah, no one. Just the facts. I fianlly get enough courage to ask for help and he is looking like the victim. I want to run. But I have to be stable, not make any rash decisions, Do what is best for the kids. I am getting madder and madder.
Dear one, yours is a situation where holding on to deep anger is not serving you well. Getting a little "mad" is often a good thing, but try to keep it contained. Remember:"...accept the things I cannot change."
You'll be just fine. Hold your head high. That way, your demeanor rises above it all. Show 'em what you are made of. Keep that "fabulousness" in mind!!!!
With all caring,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I just wanted to give you a (((((((hug))))))). I know the process can be infuriating. Try to keep your eye on the prize, the end of all of it. The A will always be in your life because of the children. You can determine the distance, mental and physical. There WILL come a day when you look back at all of this. Life WILL be good again.
Believe and Achieve it!!
Christy
-- Edited by Christy at 11:45, 2007-09-14
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I sympathise. The A I was with was and still is highly manipulaitve. The only way I can deal with it is to take it one day at a time. I avoid him as much as possible. I make it hard for him to get in contact with me.
I do understand the issue of being triggered. For me I had to work on what each of them was and neutralize them. He got to me through the dogs. I took the dogs ( I never thought that would happen). He had all the money I worked a long time to get to independence. He had all the control, I worked to out from his control. Can you work on one at a time? I know I go onto overwhelm when I am trying to do the big picture all at once. I work on it one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time.
I do understand your rage and frustration. i have had that too. I have had to work on limiting it because I would literally make myself ill with it. I work on turning it around to take care of me.
You got through court. that was the big thing. You got over one mountain. There will come a time when your children can speak for themselves. Remember, little pitchers have big ears. They may choose to not see Daddy. And they may choose to see him. The mean time suggests that you set an example of love, pity and compassion. He is dying, love. He is slowly committing suicide. So proud of you! So proud! And, as for the fiancee--remember, birds of a feather flock together. She too will find out the pain he is causing you and the family. She will be hurting.
Serendipity, You have always been strong and I think the madder you get the stronger you get. You WILL find a way to make it all, all right. Us mom's have a way of protecting our kids one way or another. They are the most important people in your life and I know you won't stop until you feel comfortable with the visitations. I agree with going with the agency if that's the only thing you can do to protect them. I know you really didn't want to have to go that route but it seems you have no choice. I can't believe he brought up the money. Unreal. Stay strong woman and remember to breath. Keep praying for what to do, it will come. Good luck dear. ((((HUGS))))
Girl, Here is my advice (BAD ME!) Contact your local domestic violence agency. They WILL help you with a restraining order to protect your children from him. ALSO... It is VERY important that someone (namely you) point out that he is a crackhead and menatlly ill and unstable and not to be trusted with children. Just because you have a lawyer doesn't mean you are not allowed to speak up if you don't agree with what he's doing!!! I think you'll find that if you contact the DV agency in your area and reach out for help they will help you with the protection order for sure and maybe even the divorce and custody arrangement there. It IS entirely possible to get no visitation or supervised by an agency I know this for a fact! If there is court order authorizing him visitation, he is entitled (yikes at the thought) and you can have that changed! They can't make good decisions if they don't have all the facts about his history and possible ongoing use of drugs, they can require drug testing as a contingency for visitation as well. Just a few thoughts, I hope that you can get that order to cover your children as well.
Serendipity- I totally agree with Carolina. A Domestic Violence Center for Woman will help you. They usually provide court advocacy, counsuling and help with legal matters regarding the safety of you and your children. They do this for free. I know that The YWCA does it here. They are also online. Check them out. They will protect you and your children. You can also contact your Police Dept., most of them have places like this to referr you to, for domaestic violence. Good luck. I know how frustrating the court can be. Be careful not to knock yourself down with all of this. Stay strong. Hugs and Prayers, Kim
