The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been feeling the shock waves lately of awareness and it is exhausting still. Just taking it all in from a new vantage point, sifting through it as kindly as I can to myself yet I often ask how can a smart, kind and patient soul like me become so stupid. Not really kicking myself down, just more in awe of how this illness becomes so full of using any smarts we've got to adapt to the situation at hand... to fix things for everyone supposedly but blind to the starting cause.
Now I see for example where an occasion where I attributed all the drama to eldest child's mental health was really kicked off that night with a drunk dad, yelling in a hotel room. I got the A to lay down on the pull out couch where he passed out while I tended to various crying kids - to some better than others unfortunatly in hind sight. How could I be so blind that the issue was alcohol as the starting place and now see it after so much has happened. At least I see it now and am aware. There are plenty more examples.
Besides the new review of past dramas in a new light, I am also seeing how I let go of some things that I would have been smarter to keep more informed about........ can we say it together, finances! I have no clue and no clue where to start. However, this may seem very minor but to me it is a start of scary - our garbage & recycling was not picked up today because the bill wasn't paid. There is no good reason for that.
Did have a good conversation this past wkend with the A using boundaries rather than walls. Told him I finally figgured out that he shows he cares by providing and working hard. My dream had been to stay at home with the kids so I left my 10 year career, where I made more than he did at the time. We planned to move as needed until the kids started school and later we would share the household and parenting duties more. I thought this was our dream but it was only mine or his changed. So I plunged into supporting him advancing while taking on the parenting and household, we moved a half dozen times in fewer years to five different states. I was lonely, overwhelmed and kept hoping to change us to our dream which was only mine - shared household duties & parenting. I could not do it all, lot of negotiations and disagreements so I gave anything away I could.....like paying bills & finances. SH*T!!
Asked him how he knew I cared....by how I took care of the kids and household. I responded just like the wonder years right out of the fifties. ...said nicely but then did he understand what happened? Replied, you wanted a 9-5 worker. I explained, no, I wanted to share parenting & household things once you had advanced to a comfortable financial status so we both could pursue our interests.
He's happy just a working, having a home & kids with a quiet happy wife running things. I hear maid, nanny and chauffere for 20+ years but smile & bite my tongue. I explain that there are a lot more dimensions to life that I need to pursue between now & retirement. I need interactions intellectually, spiritually, emotionally, physically etc and I may not be able to do all that I am doing around here now when I decide what I will do. No problem though I think he actually hears me....... I am talking just matter of fact with no emotional outbursts or making him feel defensive.
So thinking about checking into finishing up a degree, getting career counseling, looking at how I could fit into job market again and be set by the time my two youngest are off to college in 5 years. Also need to understand our finances, wills, insurances etc etc again. Need to get my personal health back and personal daily schedule so I can function. Can't do a lot of this until I start just taking care of myself better. Hope that as he cycles from better to worse and back to better I will have time to recover and get some of this done.
One day at a time I will make progress. Just wondering how long all this mental awakening of my brain cells will continue to exhaust me .... by just waking up from long foggy years of denial? I liked reading that post by all about how in the world did this happen....... seems like brainwashing but yet it was mostly adaptation I guess. Scary how I can wander through years just reacting by fixing & trying to control things.
I believe even my sub conscious is tired cause I am trying to watch some blah shows and easy reading material so I have a break from all this. I will try to have more fun each day rather than keep trying to keep up all the time.
tired ddub
-- Edited by ddub at 11:34, 2007-09-13
__________________
"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
For me ddub , awarness is a positive thing , now I know what needs to be changed , and please YOU are not stupid . What I didn't know about alcoholism almost destroyed my family . I put no connection between what he was drinking and the wierd thinking and moods. I never saw him drunk , and I had no idea exactly how much he was drinking . Today husb is sober and jokes that I never saw him sober he was always drunk . sheeeeesh I sure hope u get back to school , with or with out him you will be self sufficient and have your own career. As for the rest of it , inform yourself about your finances , I have been in recovery for along time and am still occasionally overwhelmed as to how much alcoholism has affected my life . Its not about blame anymore , hasn't been for along time , becomming Alcoholic was not one of my husb 's plan for himself either. Alcoholism happened to you . period Tread softly be kind to yourself , you can't change the past but u can plan your future . Louise
Be kind to yourself. It is kinda like spilling your heart out to someone and then looking over and they weren't really listening to a word you say. I have been where you are with finances and the kids. We agreed to share the duties and that I would put my career on hold to raise the kids. He was there and then he wasn't there for us. We did the geographhic moves when he wanted. He took the financial lead because "you don't get it do you?". I am realizing that he never really was present. The disease always had him. As soon as the last child left for college, he had no reason to stay. I have spent two years coping. I have taken a hard look at our finances. He wasn't so smart afterall and I wasn't so dumb. There was an impact on our kids but I take responsibility for raising them in an alcoholic home. They have a chance to get help for themselves. Yes, they didn't choose it but like you say it is tough and exhausting.
I can totally relate to you post. I have to find my own value and not look to him to give it to me. Even though I want his praise because he is my husband I have realized I'm just not going to get it when I need it. Only..if I ask for it. Take care of yourself and give yourself what you need. You are very bright. Lots of love.
