The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have to go face him tomarrow in court. He gets to tell his side of the story. He has everyone fooled. Just like always. All I want is for him to leave me alone. I will need to leave this village. I have no peace anymore. I have fleeting moments of hope. But they are few and far between. I have called the domestic violence people. I am ready to look at what has happened to me in the past 13 years. I am ready to let my heart feel it, know it. My head has known all along that I was being abused in every possible way. I normalized everything because my heart just couldn't accept any of it. But I am out of denile and into awareness and I need help. I have to look at this so that I don't have to do it again. I never have to let anyone abuse me again. Aism, addiction, whatever the "excuse" or "fact". I am scared out of my mind and madder than hell. Comming to realize what has he has done to me and to our kids. I knew.... I just never felt. And when I felt I rationalized and intellectualized. No more. I will not press charges because there is no way to prove it and he is such a wonderful victim I will not be believed. I pray that the RO stands and I have time to heal without any interference from him. This is what I wanted when I went for the divorce. I explained repeatedly to my lawyer that this had to be done quickly because as long as we are legally married he will feel he still has control over me and that scares me. And he did just that. He took advantage of me in my most vunerable moments. If I had a good lawyer, this could have been done last year and I would not have gone thru what I have gone thru. I'm not blaming my lawyer, it doesn't matter that I have been proved right. I just want him to not be allowed near me and the kids. I have panic attacts leaving my house or comming home. I am living in fear and I can't change that right now, I just have to live thru it, somehow. The grief and anger and depression. One moment I don't think I can go on, I will just curl up and ignore the world and another moment I feel like tomarrow maybe the start of something good. This is beyond unfair. Please say a prayer for me that he can just stay away and the kids and I have time to heal. I am done reacting to his abuse and insanity and I am ready to confront what he has done to me and what I allowed to happen. I do not feel strong, I do not feel good or justified. I feel sad and lonley and sick over the crazy-ness that happens because of disease and mental illness. Or at least please say a prayer. Thanks y'all. I'm sure I'll be here tomarrow with an outcome.
I don't really have any esh but I would like to give you lots of support. Recognizing what is abusive is always hard. Some of the seemingly good stuff is really just abuse I am finding out with my husband. Well, they tell us in Alanon to focus on one day at a time and this too shall pass. Hang in there.
All you can do is stand up for what you believe in. Your voice WILL be heard. If you feel you have nothing else then call the Center for Abused woman and ask that they have a few members that are familiar with the court system to come down and give you moral support. Maybe the judge and his attorney will know that you are not playing around when it comes to this. I hope you and your children will always be safe. Domestic violence is scary and horrible especially with children. I've been through it. Lots of love to you. I'm here for you. mwah.
He may be able to play a good victim but my recent family member was scared out of her mind and found the court workers and social workers were able to read between the lines from their prior experiences with her husband and similar situations. I pray that you will get wise, honest and supportive court judges and lawyers, I pray that the RO will remain and glad you have contacted the domestic violence people to help you recover.
friendofyours suggestion to ask for members to come with you for moral support is excellent. Going to court alone and denying offers of others to go with me was one of my great regrets - hate being there alone with just a lawyer. I think your words of nomalized all the things that happen is a precise definition of how this disease affects the family members - it is so hard to believe even if we wanted to at the time.
Remember to breath if the panic trys to bubble up tomorrow. I have panic attacks and often hum in my head, "be not afraid, I go before you always" just to remember my HP is with me too. With support and prayers, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
You'll be strong! I had to do this and the hardest part was sitting in front of a group of people from MY community having to say all of the horrible things he had done. He had never hit me and this is a very conservative town. Breaking into my home and stealing from me when I wasn't home apparently wasn't enough. It's embarrassing when you're up there to realize that all that happened and you stuck around. At least for me it was. I will think good thoughts for you and look forward to hearing about the outcome. I'm sure it will be as good as the last court appearance where he looked the fool. Anyway, good luck and my thoughts are with you.
There are two kinds of people: those who do the work, and those who take the credit. Try to be in the first group; there is less competition there.
-Indira Gandhi
There are two uses for a rope: hanging oneself and pulling oneself out of holes with it. He will hang himself with it. There are people that believe you. I promise. I thought that no one believed me. Then, one day, my dad lied to the pharmacists. He told them that he had to pick up my meds for me. Had to. I was in so much pain I was incapacitated. The pharmacists thought it was odd, but, okay, whatever. They follow up with me. Did I see my dr, they ask? I was taking some heavy meds, and I really should. I never had the migrane, I said. I never had the pain. You mean he lied to us? They said Apparently, I said. He stole your meds, they said. Oh God, I said. We have to report him, they said. Do what you have to do, I sighed.
Be kind to yourself. I find it hard to do that. I hope you go to counselling. I found that helped me. I think our bonds with A's are deep and it doesn't just go away. Forgive yourself for not being able to break away from him. I know I would not have been ableto break away without this board and constant focus. There are numerous reasons to stay and then lots of reasons to try. No one can tell you when you should have, could have, would have left him.
I am glad you are here and lokoing for support.Get as much support as you can. You certainly deserve it.
