The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm getting caught up with reading posts as I have been away from the boards for a few days. The posts on positive thoughts really caught my attention as they confirmed a thought that was nagging at me during the night. Just what I needed to read!
My AH and I went to a marriage program over the weekend and it was brutal! Essentially it was like a communication boot camp, and the reason it did not go as well as it should have is that we did not follow instructions. Go figure. We were instructed to put all issues and problems aside and focus on feelings, with the idea being that if you can learn to communciate your true self and the other can learn to receive you, you can deal with the problems later. I could not put the issue of infidelity away and it was poison. Anyhow, it lead us through discussion, moving from looking at ourselves and then to our relationship. My Ah moved from not having anything positive to say about me, to suggesing he move back in to prove he can be trusted. Huh? Now, this thought was CRAZY, but what I realized is that he made this suggestion immediately after an exercise where we had to share some good memories. This resulted in an amazing mood change in my Ah, not one of love, but one that was in a positive direction as compared to where he'd been. He had some hope, even if only for a few minutes.
Now we are having to spend a few minutes each night in communication and I am realizing the power I have in the process. If I go into the exercise with a happy heart and do what is asked of me, I very well may be able to create an atmosphere in which we can build. The result of one directly influences the attitudes of the next. If I depend on him to bring the positive mood to me, well, I might as well throw in the towel right now. Also, when I bring my anger and use the opportunity to attack or prove I am right, we just move backward. It is up to me. I am going to move beyond my comfort zone and welcome him when he comes in each night by stopping what I am doing to give him a hug. I can see it being a good thing, once the shock wears off, that is. Let it begin with me.
What came out of the weekend is that we both committed to completing the program and thus work on our marriage through the completion of the program - there are 6 follow-up sessions over the next 3 months, with the first two occurring in the next two weeks. He promised to be in a relationship with only me during this time, and while skeptical, all I can do is trust. This also means doing nightly homework together. Also, I need to tell you, that we heard stories that were nothing short of miracles, including relationships that were severely complicated by addiction and infidelity. There are no quick fix nor promises, and it is hard work, but it was proof that nothing is impossible if you are willing to trust HP and make the decision to change. There were many principles that parallelled al-anon. Overall, it was powerful. Although neither of us came out feeling happy or in a great place, it was not a waste of time. We were convinced that our children make it worth the effort to give it one more try, knowing that if nothing else we should become better people in the process.
Thanks for being a forum where I could "talk" this out.
Blessings, Lou
__________________
Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I'm really glad you shared this. Hubby (sober) & I went to a supposedly program couples weekend about a year ago, and it was just brutally hard, and as you said -
Although neither of us came out feeling happy or in a great place, it was not a waste of time.
We're going again this year - I probably wouldn't have pursued it, but to my surprise he was the one who started asking about this year's weekend. This time it's a couple leading the weekend - I admit to being kinda nervous. But as you also said - it's good personal work - note the word work - regardless of its success as couple work.
I can realte so much to your post. I agree that your kids are not only worth the try, but you are too. This way if it works out, great. If not, you know you gave it an honest shot. Let it begin with me. A wonderful slogan of this program. Words to live by.
Lou: there are lots of kinds of infidelity. The A I lived with was unfaithful because he put everyone else first ahead of me. I was left with nothing. In fact the other day when I was ignoring him and he was frantic i thought the shoe is on the other foot. I was laways the one chasing him before. Of course neither position is healthy. I do not think there is any more chances with the A I am with. We tried for a long long time. His various addicitons won out. He does not have it to recover at this time. I still care about him but I have to set distance to protect myself. Good luck. I pray for you in your endeavor.
Sounds like a great program - I admire your courage to give it another try and your honesty in how you approach your moods and attitude. Powerful is correct. And if two parties are willing to be totally open and honest....WOW! Thanks for the inspiration and positive energy of your post. All the best to you in however it turns out and with whatever your high powers guides you too. Hugs, Twinkie
