The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't posted here for a while and I've been away for a couple of weeks so I haven't been to my weekly alanon meetings (two/week)... and I'm feeling it.
I haven't had my alanon support ~ and I am feeling quite alone. Sure, I could call (or SHOULD call) my sponsor or someone on my list but I don't. It almost seems like I'd rather sit in this muddy yucky feeling of self despise.
Anyway - I did find my way to the MIP site again - and I need to confess as to why I "left" before. I grew up in an alcoholic family (my father is still an alcoholic) ... that is my "main qualifying" situation. I no longer see or speak with my father so I don't have an active alcoholic in my life.
Here is what I am ... I don't know.... embarrassed about? I was married for nearly 18 years to a man who NEVER drank (I met him when I was 18) and he took care of me. We were both Codependent but then I started to be more introspective and I grew in many ways spiritually and emotionally. I wanted more from my relationship than what he could offer. He wanted terribly to give me what it was I wanted ..... but even with couples counseling he could not. He is really such a good man. He would have given me the world (in fact he did give me any material thing I wanted - I was spoiled)... He never disrespected me and never lied or cheated on me. Most women would kill for a man like him. (and I feel guilty when I read many of your posts)
I just didn't have a "connection" with him.... a spiritual connection - I felt more like we were parent (him the parent) and child. No matter what we tried, it couldn't change. I NEEDED more. We didn't connect intellectually either. His interests were sports and computers - mine were poetry and fitness (doing it, not watching it!)... Long story short (I know, too late for that)....
I left him - it was awkward and the story is extremely long and not very good -- too much detail for this forum. ... anyway - it wasn't nice on my part. Then again, how do you leave someone - nicely? He was blindsided because I always "acted" happy ~ so this really came from out of the blue.
His family disowned me, most of my family disowned me and ALL of our friends disowned me. They simply didn't understand.
I met a wonderful man ~ and fell in love. Finally I found my spiritual soulmate! Then, (a little while into the relationship) He told me that he is a RECOVERING alcoholic (12 years).... it scares me but he is well into his recovery (though, we both know that it is never "DONE" or gauranteed sobriety... it is simply one day at a time).... We've been together for 3 years now and he is (THANK GOD) still sober ~ and he works a good program. I also attend alanon regularly.
However, as you may know - DRINKING is "but a symptom" of alcoholism. Meaning that there is so much more to it and he has all of the "isms" (as do I) and so we will sometimes have fights (I never ever fought with my 'x').....
On days where we are not quite on the same page ~ he is in his "isms" and I am in my "isms" ~ I wonder to myself why on earth I left my "x" - life was easier. Ahhhh but NOT happier. How quickly I forget that.
Anyway - I am rambling - sorry.
Just feeling really alone and all of these thoughts are running around in my head .... and not making any sense ~ so don't feel bad if none of this makes sense to you.
Makes pretty good sense to me. You don't have to feel guilty for doing what you feel was right for you. Others seem to get real mad when we suddenly start to take care of our own needs and no longer step to their tune. It is not up to his family or yours to decide whats best for you. They would be busy enough, if they minded their own business, not to worry about yours. Two codependents living together can be miserable, too. I would eventually resent someone always assuming to take care of me, even though for a long time I thought that was what I wanted.
Its good that you are involved with alanon. As you said, sobriety isn't a cure-all. There is still a lot to deal with.
I'm glad you made it back.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I agree with Jen's post as this is what I'm living with at present, on the surface everything fine but underneath a life full of cracks. You did right to take care of you, thats what I'm trying to work through, very difficult at times as my house is full at present and thats enough to irritate the hell out of me and I need space at the moment. Thanks for you informative post and it has helped me.
Hi, I'm just wondering, can you send your ex to me??? LOL just kidding. I think it takes greater strength to leave a not horrible situation than it does to leave an unbearable one! I admire that you could say this just isn't working and move on.
This board has been a savoir for me on those days when i need a connection too. Glad you are here. don't look back and second guess yourself. you did what you needed to do at the time. Your feelings are real; trust yourself and enjoy your present moment. It is hard coming face to face with our own "isms" but now that I have, I wouldn't have it any other way. Sure it may be easy to deny the truth and have an unbalanced, unhealthy and unfullfilling relationship just to keep our "isms" away, but its not as real or healthy when we give them their true perspective and learn to cope in new and healthy ways. One day at a time.
Be gentle with yourself - you are human as we are too. Hugs,
