I lost another best friend :( - Al-Anon Family Group

Friendofyours · ~*Service Worker*~

I lost another best friend :(

Positivelydee · Veteran Member

Friend,

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. It is never easy and I don't have any amazing words that will help to heal you.

I would like to share my ESH ~ when I found out that a really good friend of mine had throat cancer ~ my husband (boyfriend at the time)... said something to me that really helped.

I was crying uncontrollably and he said.... try not to make this about you. I know you are hurting but one way to feel better (at least a little better) is to stop thinking about YOUR pain and your loss and focus on helping your friend in whatever way you can.

At first I was a little taken aback.... are you saying I'm being self-centered?! This is my friend and I am hurting at the possibility of losing him! I said back to him. He validated my pain and said I'm allowed to feel it ~ but that if I wanted to feel better ~ then I should focus on HELPING him and his family to get through it all.....

Amazingly - I did it (only after I cried for a couple of hours).... but I talked with his wife and was strong for her and for him and it not only helped them but it helped me to feel better too.

I guess I am sharing this with you to say.... cry, feel your pain but then try to consider how you might be strong (for a little bit anyway) to help his kids and to honor his memory ~ it will help you to feel better and I bet it will help his kids too ~~

I will keep you in my prayers ~
{{{hugs}}}}

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

FOY, I agree with dee on this one. There are times when, "making it about us" is not the proper thing to do. This is one of those times. Eric was your best friend, and his son has asked you to speak. You MUST do this. Anyone who tells you that you should, "Do what's right for you" is suggesting you be insensitive, selfish, and wrong! THis is a "one off" experience. You'll never have to do it again. There are times when we must buck up and do the right thing for someone else...yes, it's true, though you'll not often read it here. Please do offer a eulogy for your friend Eric. Don't turn this down. You don't have to say too much. But a few words to honor the memory of your friend are necessary. You'll feel better for it. Promise.

Diva

-- Edited by Diva at 23:51, 2007-09-11

-- Edited by Diva at 10:02, 2007-09-12

jonibaloni21 · Member

Hey Friend of Yours,
I too have lost many friends in a short time and it was very hard to deal with! So so sorry about your friend , he was so very young! Condolences to his family too! My ex-husband died at 50 also and my kids were 21 and 25 yrs at the time, 5 yrs ago. It was very hard on them, we had been divorced for several years at the time and he was remarried and yet I still needed to be there for my children and I knew it.
In Oct., a friend on here died, one week later one of my best girlfriend's died, from cancer in her brain, had known for a month and a half, then my favorite uncle died in dec. then a very close friend who was like the father I never had , died in that april! I was "lost" for a while! Had to really draw close to God, my HP and gather in all my faith and His love to make it thru and keep going!
I feel your pain , and I agree with Positivelydee that you can feel your pain and grief and your HP will give you the strength to be there for his family and help them thru this time in some form or fashion. Once , I stayed at a friend's home and answered the phone while everyone was at the funeral home during the familie's recieving friends time. While you may not be able to "speak" at the memorial service , I'm sure there is something you feel you 'can' do for them! Tell them what you feel like you can do or let them suggest something else for you to do for them.
I'm sure they'll appreciate anything anyone does in his honor at this time!
Sincerely,
Jonibaloni in TX

Maria123 · ~*Service Worker*~

Prayers for you ((((((((((FOY)))))))))))))))) ^i^

Follow your heart. If you feel like you can't give a eulogy, don't. If you want to try it, do so. Each of us knows what's right for us.

I will share, however, that when my mother died, I wanted to give the eulogy. My siblings thought I was nuts (well I am but that's another story). To me, I didn't want a priest who knew her but did not know her as well as I did give her eulogy. As I look back today, I am so glad that did what was right for me.

I believe that my mother's eulogy was so beautiful. I shared about what a wonderful, beautiful mother she was. I shared about how much she loved her extended family and how important good friends were to her. I shared a few stories about times at our home where my mother was the epicenter. I shed a few tears along the way too, along with the whole congregation. At times, I needed to take a few seconds to compose myself and that was ok also.

yours in recovery,
Maria

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

So sorry for your loss, FOY. Don't have anything profound tonight. Just do what you feel is right for you. You are in my thoughts.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

I am so sorry for your loss . and yes you can do it !!! thinking of you Louise

maire rua · ~*Service Worker*~

this is awful and it is a lot for you to deal with after your loss last year. My thoughts are with you and hope all goes ok

bobump · ~*Service Worker*~

Friendofyours, I have no ESH on whether to do the Eulogy or not execpt for that fact that I typically avoid situations like that and I'm upset about doing so later. If something like this came up today, I'd Step 11 it to the best of my ability and just try to get quiet and still enough to really feel my feelings and hopefully the guidance.

I will be sending thoughts and prayers your way.

Bob

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

Sorry for your loss! I know sometimes when I don't feel like doing something in the moment (like going to a meeting) I'm happy later that I did it anyway. I'm sorry you have this tough choice but it is an honor to be invited to speak.

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((((Friendofyours)))))),

My deepest sympathy on the loss of your friend Eric. If you can't speak at the funeral, that's okay. Everyone will understand. I will keep you and Eric's family in my prayers.

Love and blessings to you,
Karilynn

carosie · Senior Member

((FOY))) so sorry for the loss of your friend. You and Eric's family are in my prayers. Be gentle with you...take care of you. I agree with the other suggestion...do what feels right for you.

your friend in recovery,
rosie

Tiger2006 · ~*Service Worker*~

Please know you have my deepest sympathy at your time of loss. I am very sorry for the loss of your best friend.

Friendofyours · ~*Service Worker*~

Leave it to you guys to kick me in the pants. After reading your responses I am ready to give the eulogy. You are right, I need to not make this about me but do it for his kids and for him. I will do my best. I've sent the eulogy to a friend of mine to see if it sounds stupid and I'm waiting for his response. I'll feel better if someone reads it and gives me advice. I've never done this before and I am terrified..........But........I will think about being scared afterwards...right? yikes.
Thank you all so much. You all comforted me so much and I really needed you. I love you guys bunches. mwah.

Rita G · ~*Service Worker*~

((FOY))

sending out thoughts & prayers of comfort for you & the family - also for strength for you for when you delivery the eulogy - I'm sure your HP will lead you to say exactly what you need to say.

Wishing you Serenity & Comfort,
Rita

wp · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm so sorry about your loss , FOY. I think you have courage to even consider giving the. eulogy . I know whatever you choose to do will be right for you and for the family.
mspw

Friendofyours · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you Rita and WP. :)

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.