The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This afternoon the A goes to court. He is likely to go to jail. He has failed to appear a number of times and has a lot of charges in front of him. As he has no income he can't offer to pay any fine. Yesterday I spoke to him and he gave me the same old sing song about how I had let him down by this and that.
I found some documents yesterday he swore he left in my room (they were outside). Normally I would stasnd on my head to get them. I would also normally be on tenderhooks waiting for hiim to call and tyring to persuade people to help me to get his stuff before the people who he is staying with either trash it or take it. I am letting that go. I simply don't have time to go get it for him. I have most of his tools that is a huge huge issue for me. I spent money I did not have to make them safe. I spent money for a truck for him and then had to schlepp my own stuff on foot tot he storage. Of course he could care less about that there is only topic in his conversation "him".
At the same time I feel immensely sad that he has allowed himself to proceed to this point of self destruction. He blames of course, bad luck, bad judgement, everyone in the world, he takes no personal reponsibility at all. In fact he's been reckless driving for years and wont' stop no matter what anyone says. I know numerous numerous people have spoken to him about it. Nothing makes him stop. Maybe jail will. I doubt it.
At this time I'm not even going to call up to see if he goes to jail. I am just going to presume he has gone there. I'm willing to keep his stuff in storage as I don't have to pay any extra for it. I'm not now after his temper tantrums and abuse willing to pay for his additional storage unit anymore. I need the money for my immesne debt. I am going to let that go. He has only himself to blame for that. I would love to salvage the stuff but its like the truck, anything to do with him involves immesne work, immense guessing at what is really going on (he volunteers nothing) and just more and more invovlement in an incredible mess (what his Uncle calls a hole you can't dig yourself out of ). I have to let go and move on with my own life. I owe it to my animals to try to make a happy life for them. They do not deserve to live on tenderhooks all the time. They do not deserve to be around the A with his craziness and his neglect and his dramarama. If they don't deserve it netiher do I.
My hopes are that you are seeing that that immense sadness does not require your ownership. It is sad to think that the A's in our life may never find happiness and joy, but I've found I don't have to dwell and obsess over that. It is more important to me to be doing the things that bring joy or the work that is needed to get happiness into my life. It is now the time to concentrate on me. My life, my goals, my needs, my defects, my changing, my enlightenment, etc.
brightest blessings to you, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
support in recovery maresie. i agree if you would care for your animals this way then it's clear that you also deserve at least the same standard of care.he has his higher power who loves and accepts him as he is, at least that's what i believe. i hope you are taking good care of yourself. florrie
((mariese)) This is the hard part of detachment. I know that you are in God's hands, however you choose to define God. In Dayton, the autumn flowers are ready for planting. I recall that you once talked about your green thumb. Would doing some gardening help keep your mind and hands busy for the hours that your loved one is in court? Would helping someone else plant their garden help? Just throwing some ideas out, I know you've got your plate full. but I also know you that sometimes you've got to feel it in little pieces to heal it. ((mar)) keep us posted
Sending you love and prayers. Detachment is hard. I use to beat myself up for doing it. But I realized I was no good to the A if I wasn't good for myself. I had to get stronger and better even if he didn't. You're animals are lucky to have you. Hold them close. They, along with your family here will see you through.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Sending you my good wishes and prayers. This is a tough time for you but you have the right to move on and concentrate on you, this is not your fault and you are not to blame for this, hope you and the animals are ok.
Hey girl, I know this time is hard but assuming he does go to jail, time will pass and it heals all wounds. You are already on your own path to happiness. I was talking to my mother in law the other day and I was telling her how well we are all doing and how happy we all are and then we got on the topic of her son (my ah) and I said he needs to just stay away, we are doing great and I don't want him to mess it up!!! That's how I feel now, that him and his messes are not my burden and I don't want him around because the chaos inevitably follows.
I'm glad you realize you deserve at least as much respect as the dog! LOL I found that kind of funny. Funny how we can respect others even animals but not ourselves. I remember that, I didn't respect myself or my kids by staying with the A for so long.
If it was me, I'd sell all his tools in storage to pay off the debts that he helped to make like the truck, etc. It took me a long time to get to that point though, probably because I always felt I owed him something (maybe years of him telling me that had something to do with it).
