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I have had some concerns about my kids since I moved out but it seems that our communication has gotten much better over the past year. I have noticed a lack of respect for eachother and me, ungreatful and just generally bad attitude, lack of compassion for others, etc.
I saw this book yesterday that I picked up at the thrift store (my 2nd home) and a lot of what it says is what I feel is wrong. It's called parenting the cornucopia kids or something like that. Anyway, the general theme is that we give our kids too much. I haven't read much but intend to get thru it fairly quickly as it answers all those tough questions.
Today, I was thinking last Christmas was insane because I felt so guilty that I had put out more than 1/2 the income and that I had to "make it up" to them somehow by buying WAY too much stuff. Also, I have felt that I need to meet their expectations.
The oldest is turning 13 next week and I keep feeling like it's just not enough, she expects more, I have to make her happy, etc. I wonder how much of this is really her expectations of me and how much is myself setting absurd expectations. I got her something I know she will love, it was only $30. I keep feeling like I should get more but she has NO needs for anything!
I think a lot of times I feel guilty that I am a single mother and like I have to get MORE MORE MORE to make up for the lack of a father, the lack of money, etc.
I may sound old, here, but I think today, kids DO have too much. My daughter is 31, and when she was growing up without a dad, I, too, felt the need to give her more and more material stuff, to make up for something. But you know, I couldn't give her more and more, I simply didn't have the $$$. You know what, I ended up with a beautiful daughter, who is kind and compassionate and funny. Who is creative. A lot of that I credit to the times she and I had to weather out the storm without much $$$. When the groceries got low, we pretended we were stranded on a desert island waiting for the supply plane to come in, and we would talk about some yummy treats we would get then. It got us thru. You will be OK. So will your kids. DO NOT (and that is an order) feel guilty! From what I have read, you are doing everything you can to raise your kids well. Sometimes I think kids get too much, they cannot appreciate what they do have. The Christmases my daughter remembers from when she was small, she didn't get mountains of toys, but she can remember some little leather mittens I got her. She remembers those to this day, and she was only 6 or 7. And if I asked her today to tell me what she got for Christmases and birthdays, she could probably only remember a few things here and there. After the gift if open, many times, the magic disappears. And the kid is over there playing with the empty box, for God's sake! LOL Love in Recovery, Becky1
Maybe try combatting that guilty feeling with non material gifts? Just the two of you go out for milkshakes or something. So often what our kids really want is our time and attention.
I think we set ourselves impossible standards, and TV and movies are a lot to blame. I could spend every cent I have, and drive myself into a nervous breakdown, and Christmas at our house wouldn't look like Christmas in an ad. And if it did, it wouldn't be what we really want anyway. So calm down. One gift she really wants, a few more really cheap trinkets to give a sense of abundance (thank goodness for the dollar store), and a non material gift - your time, or increased freedoms, or everyone in the house calling her "Your Ladyship" for the day, or ? Sounds like a good birthday to me. A kid turning 13 is old enough to understand financial reality, and will learn more and respect you more if you are honest about it.
I know some of the parents in the rehab centers say that they got their kids involved in volunteering, like with Good will or something like that. That by having a weekly job commitment, and being committed so many times a week, the kid had a feeling of pride, identity, et cet
hi CG. i have some thought on this subject. with my oldest daughter i was a single mom and i felt so guilty and sorry for her that her dad didnt have anything to do with her and denied he was even her father at times. in turn this made me want to make up for it. i spoiled that girl so much. she expected something everytime i went to the store. that was really overdoing it. i think kids become ungrateful when we give them too much. i am sure you didnt go overboard like i did, and your daughter is older so im sure she will understand more than my kid who i seemed to spoil from soon after she was born and i realized i was the only parent to give her love and attention that she needed. i feel that when we give our children way way more than they need we always have to outdo ourselves the next time around. and the older they get the more expensive things they EXPECT. i always had chuck e cheese parties with lots of kids and still bought presents, and i really couldnt afford it. but i felt she deserved this kind of thing to make up for dad not being around, and also to show her that i loved her so much i would do anything for her . if i had to do it all over again, it would have been different. smaller more intimate parties with gifts that really meant something. not something she wanted wanted wanted off the tv. which was EVERYTHING lol. i do have it to do all over again, i have two more girls and i find it easier to say no. in the stores when i really cant afford it and even when i can. just try to keep it in the back of my mind or i tell them to ask santa for it or for their birthday or something. so i did learn something from spoiling my 1st child and its really helping me out the second and third time around. our kids know we love them and there are always going to be the parents out there who give their kids the world. but that is probably the materialistic world. they are given these things as pacifiers while their emotional needs are not fully met. im not saying this is the case 100 percent of the time. but im sure its the case in a lot of situations. i would rather be the lioving caring mom who will give in moderation ... this way im not stressed out to outdo myself next time whether its a holiday or birthday. yeah im being strong now. lets see waht happens when christmas gets close. lol Good Luck!
LOL Christmas... I know what you mean. I do give her lots of time and listen to her NONSTOP talking about all the various aspects of her life. She knows that we are poor and totally understands what that means, we have been poor most of her life. My problem is that I'm a thrift store junkie and every time I go I usually get them something just because it's cute, it will fit and it's cheap like 50 cents or a dollar. They have sooooooo much (mostly clothes/shoes) they can't keep up with it but I can't pass up the good deals. I have decided that I know I spend enough at those stores every month on them to change it up and give them an allowance for chores every week. This way they can buy the stuff they really want. My problem is that I have to stop myself from buying cute stuff when I see it! I have to focus on stuff for ME and the house! It's hard because I have been doing it for so very very long! Anyway, that's my new plan buy nothing for them and let them work for everything. The only pitfall I see here is that the boy is only 5 and he will never choose clothes over toys even if he has to run around barefoot and naked! LOL.
My son has been working for much of what he wants since he was 3-4 yrs old. He is 7 now. My mother would give him quarters for helping her with firewood, etc. He also got money at bdays and Christmas that he mostly saved. Last year he had too much money in his can at home so we opened him a bank acct for his savings. He has over $100 in it now, even after spending a little.
I know what you mean about getting them something every time you go to town, though. That was my pitfall for awhile. The other was cracking down on other people giving him stuff everywhere we went. We live in a small town and everyone knows him. Anywhere we went people would want to treat him with food or toys. I finally had to get tough and explain that he was acting like a real pill and actually begging for food and stuff everywhere we went. He was really showing some truely rude behavior, so we have pretty well stopped it.
I think it was Dr Phil who discusses the concept of parenting from guilt and how dangerous that is for the kids. It ends up giving a false sense of entitlement that becomes a handicap for the rest of their lives.
The good thing though is that you are recognizing that it is a pattern of behavior so you can change it. You're kids are plenty young enough to benefit.
I am glad you brought this up too. Even though we have always been careful of this, with my AH out of the house right now, the temptation is there to try to do something to make up for it when he is not here.
I think you're doing great.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
