The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Sometimes I sit and wonder, how did I get like this? I feel so much better now but I feel like a whole different person. How did I turn into that other person? In some ways I am still that person with my kids but I remember being 19 and carefree. I remember other people's problems being their problems and having nothing to do with me. I remember ending relationships because someone did something to piss me off or hurt my feelings. Or because I thought they might have a drinking problem, money problems, were immature, wouldn't make good fathers, etc. etc. etc. Then, after all that, I tolerate unbelievable abuse and actions I would NEVER have allowed myself to tolerate before. I thought we were supposed to be wiser as we got older LOL.
I didn't have an alcoholic family member, never even understood it at all. I was an only child and my only concern was me. I never had to take care of others, I barely had to take care of myself. I was a smart girl from a good middle class family with a mostly uneventful life. Then I got with the first A and it seems that is all I have been able to attract since. I remember in the beginning I wanted to leave so bad and he threatened me, threatened my family, kept me awake till the wee hours of the morning not letting me sleep explaining things to me. He was an orphan, he didn't have anyone but me, he was alone in the world and I felt so sorry for him. He never could keep a job, get along with others unless they were fellow drug/alcoholic users, my mom HATED him with a passion, he was mean, put me down, hit and kicked me, hurt our animals, cheated on me, we were homeless and went thru hell and back. I could have let go at any point and ran hard and fast. Instead, I had 2 children with him, went to school, got my BA, got a great job and then a few weeks later finally left.
The only thing I could come up with is brainwashing. Then when I met my current A (immediately after leaving the last horrible one) he seemed so wonderful. Of course who wouldn't after the last one? Over time my standards increased and I realized that the things I was tolerating were incredible. Now after a year of being gone it seems insane that I put up with those two for 14 yes FOURTEEN years of my 36. That's almost 40% of my life~!! I sure am greatful for the 3 beautiful children I have to show for it but otherwise I guess I can only chalk it up to I know what I DON'T want.
Can we be brainwashed slowly to tolerate more and more, is this how we become the pitiful abused woman? The tolerant spouse of the alcoholic or addict who lies to us, cheats on us, maybe hits us, alienates our friends and family and does things that we would NEVER EVER tolerate from another soul? I feel so much now like I was sleepwalking and now I'm awake and can see the nighmare for what it really was. It all seemed so normal when I was in it like the preverbial frog slowly boiling in the pot. I almost feel like the girl I was when I was 19 and carefree (except for the 3 kids of course LOL). When other people's problems were theirs and mine weren't mine alone but others would actually help me when I needed it. When I knew how to make friends and talk to people and just sit and visit and have conversations about something other than my husband and his problems. When I didn't have to be afraid to bring people in because I would be embarrassed later or knew they would be driven away because they somehow weren't good enough for the almighty alcoholic!
Does anyone else know what I mean here? It's like I was once a person who changed into someone else, someone who was very lonely and miserable and now I'm almost me again. Actually I'm more me because now I know who I am more than I ever did before. What I like, what I want, who I am, what is important to ME!!
I sure do know what you mean, C.G. I look back at pictures of myself, I was so young and carefree, had so much energy, so much hope for the future. Now, many days, I am tired, confused, worn out. Exhausted. Now, I know I'm getting older, but I'm not THAT old! I am the daughter of an A, but I never knew he was an A until after he died when I was 16 from cirrhosis. Altho he and my mom divorced, I lived a middle-class, very calm, very secure, and very sheltered childhood. He was a good dad even tho he didn't live at home with us. He was always there, my mom never said anything bad about him, and still hasn't. She loved him even tho she couldn't live with him. Then he died. That was 37 years ago. Then I met my first real boyfriend....and did he have problems. So, I married him, against my family's wishes. He is the father of my only child (who is going to be a mother herself in Dec.!) I went on from husband to husband to husband (I am on my fifth). I never took too much crap from any of them. The longest relationship I had before this one was 8 years. I have been with my current husband a total of 12 years, have known him for 30. I wonder when I became the controlling, crying, upset all the time, tired all the time, person I became (I'm getting better since Alanon). I wonder at what point I changed into the person I am. Was it a cumulation of too much sadness, too much abuse, too sheltered of a childhood, WHAT??? I have had times in my life when I was truly a wild child (and that was after I had a child of my own.) I got into some stuff I shouldn't have, experimented with drugs, sometimes partied too much, too many boyfriendsis right there Usually I am a homebody, a nurturer. But piss me off, and watch out. I am my own worst enemy. I understand what you are saying. And, like you, I am getting better. I am changing into who I need to be in order to live a happy, peaceful life. Which is what I want. The only problem, is I want that life with my AH. He doesn't admit he has a problem, and I used to try to make him see. Now I just try to love him on the days I can, and work hard on detaching on the days I feel so much hurt and pain. Hang in there. We'll make it. We made it this far, things can only get better. Love in Recovery, Becky1
Yes I do know how you feel - you are so right on. How does it happen and more important, why do i let it happen? Sometimes I don't even know I'm letting it happen, it just creeps up on me. I felt great this summer as I reaffirmed myself and held true to my boundaries. I am so much better and healthier when I am not in a relationship. Its when I get into a relationship that all my crazies start to come back - though I am getting much much better at maintaining my sanity and peace while in relationship. Even if I am not dating an A I seem to still find things to harbor and resent in a non-A boyfriend. So I truly have to look at what's going on with me in a relationship.
You are not alone! The good news is we are that much further along that we recognize it.
Hello Carolina , I remember asking the same question many yrs ago , my sponsor took my hand and simply said alcoholism happened to you . period She also told me the story of the frogs , if you put frogs into boiling water they would imediatley jump out , but if you put them into cold water and slowly turned up the heat they would stay and adjust to the new temp until they reached the boiling point and died . We adjust to the changes in our marriages , we adjust , we re-adjust and if were lucky we malajust and eventually seek help . Lets face it we woulndt have married our husb in the condition alcohol took them today we would walk away , but since alcoholism is progressive we don't see whats happening unitl it's too late , in other words we just keep adjusting . I didn't marry a drunk , I married a nice young man who drank , with the same dreams and hopes as I had for our future , becomming alcoholic was not a priority on his adjenda either. that in my opinion is how u got here. Louise
Let's see, when I met my AH, I was 17 years old I had never really had a serious boyfriend before. I was a quiet girl that made good grades in school and worked 2 part time jobs. There really wasn't much drama in my life. My parents did like to take long weekend vacations alone and leave us 4 kids at home w/a sitter or just w/my older sister. My dad worked and was stressed a lot, did a lot of yelling but other than that....mild childhood.
So I meet this handsome popular charming guy who wants to date ME!! None of the popular girls in school understood it. And I will admit, I allowed myself to be completely absorbed by him. I didn't really have close girlfriends. My sister's were my best friends. So the friends I did have got put off too the side. I got pregnant & married my senior year, graduated w/almost honor roll and lost complete touch w/friends after that. I remember struggling through my adolescence trying to figure who I was. I don't think I ever got the chance to find out. I always seemed to mold my personality around whoever we were hanging with at the time. My AH's friends' girlfriends personalities would become mine as I worked hard to fit into the group, feeling like an outsider all the while b/c I was the only one strapped w/the responsbility of a baby. I seriously remember the inner struggles and questions: Who am I? What type of person am I? What type of music do I really like? What do I really like to do for fun? So many questions.
It hasn't been until the last few years that I have finally been able to determine who I am, who I want to be. Unfortunately, due to the isolation caused by living w/an A, I haven't any friends really. No one to spend time with outside of my kids and my immediate family. I have work associates and I have associates at my karate place but no one I feel close enough to that I could hang out with outside of there.
So I do understand your post, your feelings. As I am in the process too of figuring out: Who Am I?
I'm so glad that al anon has worked for you. i feel more of the fog lifting for me. Letting the A's storage go is huge for me. I know what all that stuff represents. Letting the truck go is another issue. After he's ifnished with it there is nothing left. I am sick and tired and sick and tired of his incredible self destructive spiral. I have to get off and just let him go. Having the pets is huge for me. I intend to keep them now.
From a man's perspective, what you describe has also happened to me. My exAW was the love of my life. I was her 2nd H, she my 1st. We married in our late twenties, both achieving college degrees. She had a child from her 1st marriage, so we were an instant family. We had all the dreams a young couple may want to have. We eventually had a child between us and I ended up adopting the 1st when she was 16.
Things went well, slthough I have been accused of moving us around too much. Still, I was in love. Things di eventually change, a little at a time (there is that frog analogy). Before I knew I was a victim of the lying, cheating and then alcoholism. A college friend of mine came for a visit once. This turned into her divorcing me and going on a wild sexual adventure with mr. "right". They eventually married and in the meantime I allowed myself to be kept on a string by being told how great of a person I was and how much she loved me. And I hung on, and on, and on. Eventully, the true nature of the disease came into focus, although I would continue to deny it and enable it. I just wanted her to get better and thought with love she would come to understand. Boy was I wrong. The daughter that I adopted eventually was diagnosed with cancer. The exAW was there for the initial part of that, but when push came to shove, she decided the inside of a beer can was more important. My children tried to make me see what was happening, but I didn't want to believe.
Well she went back to the sex addict, as that was the only place to be enabled. The children have now backed off, telling her that when she is ready for help then maybe they can talk. I was left with a broken heart and am having a hard time dealing with it all. Thanks to Al-Anon and this site, I am beginning to try to understand. I guess know that I am not the only one with a tale to tell, has sure helped me. I hope to learn that we can find someone that will give us the type or relationship that we surely deserve. Hope what I said is ok. I am still learning.
I guess I would like you to know that it happens to us guys, too. It is never easy.
I feel like I got myself back as well and it's wonderful. I have no idea how I got sucked into an alcoholic world with my AH and my best friend. I think I liked thinking I could save them, like I had a greater purpose. Until.........I realized that purpose was useless. I was in pure, 100% hell for a good six years. I don't know if I was desensitized or what but something triggerd and I said "screw this" and got my stuff together. It's all about me and my kids, everyone else can deal with their own problems (except my MIP family of course). I like it carefree again. I make my children happy and myself happy and my world is good. I thought I lost me, I think God brought me back. :) Good thinking post.
Love this post and all the replies. I feel like I was lost too shocked to just be aware of it now let alone figgure out who I am now or better, who I will or can be exciting!!!!!!!!
welcome back to all of us!!
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
CG, I LOVE this post of yours. I love it because it shows me a strong girl who is in charge, and who has survived intact through great adversity. Strength of character is written all over your post. I admire you. Your background sounds so similar to my own; I had no addiction in my family, came from an upper class family. "Who'd'a thunk" I'd end up with an alcoholic? LOL!!! But that inborn strength carries us through successfully.
Keep up the good work CG. I think "you've got it."
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
