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So, my wife of 12 years tells me that she loves me but is not in love with me anymore. She has been sober for 5 years, goes to AA meetings.
Well she says that I am no fun anymore and that I am a grump. It seems that ever since she stopped drinking the fun in our marriage has gone away and my role has changed. I definitely fit the codependent role.
This is the second time that she has told me this in 3 years. The first time we separated for 4 months and almost got a divorce.
Now she tells me this again and she does not want to do counseling or try to make it work. She just says the feelings just are not there. My feeling is that we still love each other and do not hate or fight with each other why don't we just try.
I believe we did not try hard enough the first time around and just fell into the same old rut.
I have tried to "Let Go and Let God"
It is like the party ended so did our marriage. Is this normal???
Hi Paul , I hope u are attending Al-Anon meetings for yourself . If not please consider going , there is nothing you can do about her even in sobriety , you can only look after your own needs . Am sorry you are in this space right now , living with an A drinking or not is often too much for us , you need support , you will find that at your local al anon groups , people who have been where your at and will walk u thru it. good luck Louise
Thanks, Yes I have been going to Al-anon for the last few weeks. I have tried before and did not like the group. I live in a very small community with only one Al-anon meeting a week.
I have tried it again and I am trying to work it harder.
The funny thing is that she still considers me her best friend. I feel that she just wants to move on to see what is out there. Even as scared as she is.
Thank you for the words of wisdom. I am trying to make it work it is just that I feel the harder I push the more I am going to push her away.
I can feel the pain from your post. I understand where you are, it seems like the end of the world, to think that your relationship may be ending.
I found that the best thing I could do in that situation was to attend Alanon meetings (even though I really did not want to) and stick VERY close to this board. There are so many things to learn, and to learn to take care of yourself, value yourself, and be happy with our without your mate were HUGE lessons for me. At one point I truly thought I could never survive without my husband, now he is sober also, and if things don't work out between us, I do know now that I will be OK, and so will you.
We all put so much into our relationships and often they are the focus of our lives. What I learned in Alanon is that you can love others very very much, and your spouse, but to love yourself and to love your higher power is SO important to living a happy life, with or without someone.
I pray for your relationship to be a happy one with your wife, and that things work out the way that they are intended to. I pray for your peace and sanity today, and I am telling you now that things WILL definitely get better. It may take a while, but this Board saved my life, and meetings. I am glad you are here!!
So sorry for your pain and sadness.....I have been there...and I have gotten through. After 15 years my husband and I split and that time was sheer insanity for us both. It has however brought us a few years later to a much better place...happy,healthy, having learned so much about ourselves, divorce,maintained friendship. I kept myself grounded by focusing on myself....a therapist helped me do this because I had such trouble just obsessing on US. I also exercised regularly and that helped my mind and body settle down because the stress was so bad. It forced me to see my life as valuable and strong and good even without him...I think I have learned to love myself a lot more. My next relationship with my Abf ended recently and what got me through that was this board and the book Co Dependant No More by Melodie Beattie. For sure once he stopped drinking alot was different....it was a different relationship.....some was better, but a lot was just as bad, some was worse.
I send my prayers for your situation and hope you and your wife find your ways together or apart with love and understanding and faith.
Sorry this is happening for you . Sad thing is, you can't save marriage all by yourself - if she does not want to be part of it you can't force her. All you can do is keep reaching for joy and serenity. No matter what happens, that cannot do anything but good.
Well, it is painful. But you don't have to go the emotional ride with them every time that they do the I love you I don't love you bit. I am finding that with my Ahsober is that what I thought was the good in him is sometimes the disease talking in disguise. Hope this makes sense. Keep busy, go to meetings, and let go and let god.
Just a thought for you to consider - search online around your area for other Al Anon mtgs as there are many. I have reasons to go to another area from our city so I drive past two small towns with meetings to the 3rd location, a small city about 45 miles away. I like having the drive to gather my thoughts on the way there and just let the meeting topics soak in afterwards.
The face to face meetings can really help especially as you go through things like this. Keep going to meetings when you can.
ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
