continuation of the other day i guess i am just able to sit down and get some more stuff that is on my mind. i talked about my daughter my a and my mom growing up. i didnt mention that even after my mom got  us out of that other state and got us all back together in one household i can still remember the night it happened. it was easter eve my aunt got into an argument with my mom and she came and got me. my dads old friend just so happened to have a vacant house that we ended up staying in that night, and for the next however many years. my mom and brothers and everyone were laying on the floor (no furniture or anything- it was a spur of the moment move. everyone was saying they loved each other ang goodnite, i just couldnt bring my self to say i loved you to my mom. i cant remember if i said it to my brothers but that isnt the issue. i had alot of anger and resentment towards my mom and even though we were still under the same roof finally, i still felt mad. we spent lots of years together in that house, i cant remember too much from the beginning it must not have been too bad or i would remember. i do know that i hated the landlord (my dads friend) because soon after my dad died when we still lived in the old house i woke up one night to go to the bathroom to find my mom and his :friend: kissing or whatever., i remember i got upset and ran to the bathroom crying. saying what about daddy. yeah he was dead but still. i felt like she was cheating on him. and i didnt like the guy ever since.
so when we moved into this house years later and he ws the landlord i was always on duty i guess you would say at night time. i wouldnt go to bed till i knew he was gone or i would sporadically come out of the bedroom to see if anything was going on. i cant remember i must have blocked it out but i am sure i caught them once or twice,. hell i even remember my mom and me sleeping over his house probably not long before we moved into his vacant place. of course she didnt stay with me she went into his room after putting me to bed.
 soooooo////// lets see what else i have to say, oh yeah sometime later my grandma ended up moving in with us. she lived with us when my dad was alive and now she was with us again. my grandma was always there. probably to help watch us so my mom could work and support us. now my grandma was a pretty strict woman. she would yell at me for doing chores wrong... make me do chores, one day i remember yelling at her i just couldnt take it anymore.  all because i didnt tie the garbage right. i had enough. she would ask me what i was doing EVERYTIME i went in the kitchen and tell me to get out of the fridge. i guess we were scarce  on food. but it was everytime i went out she had to know what i was doing and to get out of the fridge. my gram was the one who was with us all the time. and yeah my mom worked. i remember the nights i would wait up for her because she didnt come home from work, no call. no stop by and say i will be here blah blah blah. she didnt come home. she was out at the bar with her friends. i dont remember being angry well yeah maybe sometimes when my gram would hit or punish me i wanted to tell on my granma and when she didnt come home i would get mad because you think a mom woyuld be there to protect their children. i would be worry more than anything else in middle school that my mom was just gonna make it home. and i wasnt abused by gram. but i was a child and wanted my mommy to protect me. 
if i was abused by my grandma, i would not have taken the time i did to go out and stay 3 or four nights a week with my 2 children while my mom went to work . my gram just passed this past may and it takes alot out of me some days. there is not a day that goes by i dont miss her. i have a pic of her and me on my myspace andits my screensaver on the computer. i know she had a hard life that she really didnt talk about before she got married. she had this really bad burn mark on her neck, she was adopted and her parents must have been mean to her also. the biological and adoptive ones. she had a hard childhood so bad she wouldnt tell us about it. she had a lot of children with my grandfather who ended up dying years before i came along.so she had a crappy life ahead of her then too. raising all these children with no father. i cant count right now but im sure my gram had nine or more kids. how rude right i just dnt want to count them all out . i know them all its just wahtever im trying to get it out and the # of kids she had isnt important right now. she struggled all throughout her life that all i have to say. but i would stay with her while she was at my moms get her in the bathroom when she had to go, feed her bather her when she made messes all that stuff you do for older people they cant do for them selves anymore. she was such a strong woman and i know it frustrated her that she couldnt do it anymore. it all happened so quickly where she was able to walk and do dishes and go to the bathroom where she couldnt be left alone all of a sudden
i was there to help. she ended up going in to the hosputal one night i didnt feel right about the way she was acting and i feel so responsible because after that she got stuck in  a nursing home and never came out besides to go to the hospital back and forth. she would beg for us to get her out of there. i knew she wasnt going to come out. and it was hard to deal with. my brother was the closest to her he would visit her most everyday. and he would call and say he had a feeling that my mom and uncle were just making her stay there and she wsa as good as she was going to get. the excuse was you have to do the physical therapy.... and you gotta get better...... you gotta eat...... but i also had my mom calling me telling me that she wasnt going to be getting out of there between her and my uncle talking so i knew both sides of the story and wish i didnt. i even thought about bringing my gram all the way out here so i could take care of her. i had a baby at the time. she will be two in octover but its like i had three kids. the bathroom is downstairs she wouldnt have anywhere to stay downstair and she ws alwaysscold and this place is very cold in the winter (when i wanted to bring her home) i knew it wsnt possible but i just didnt want her there and after all the kids she had you think they would come up with a better plan. anyway i did my part. i visisted her in the nursing home took her for a couple rides even though she wasnt pleasant at times. who would be? the kids enjoyes the visits with her. thanked god that i have pictures of her and the kids.....i saw her the last day she was here on earth and the nurses were so overly friendly to me and my aunt and my youngest..she was in a different room than the last visit because she was refusing meds and didnt need the icu if she didnt want it. think those nurses were sooutgoing cause they knew she was gonna be gone.
i left there thinking that she had a week or two in her. if i would have nkow i would have made arrangements to stay with her. she died alone in the hospital. i got a call at 3 in the morning from my mom . they were three min. from the hospital. i live 45 minutes from there. so i didnt get to go out and see her or be with her. but she is here with me. i once had a dream before she died that  she passed and i told her to come back to me as butterfiles. you know ihave been seeing butterflies everyday. they even go on my windshield like swooping when i drive. i feel her around me everyday. i hear her voice and her cough everyday. i have her socks and robe and other items and i feel close to her. even though she was mean to me growing up i still love her. she helped me raise my oldest who doesnt live wiht me right now. she had been wanting to see her for so long and there was a time when we thought she was going to die. everyone came out of the woodwork to see gram..... i thought for sure her dad would take her to see my gram, they had a close realationship. so no my gram didnt get to see my daughter. and i called my ex that morning telling him i just wanted to let him know that my gram died and i didntexpect him to tell my daughter and he said he was sorry to hear that. i said yeah right thanks for letting her see our daughter before she died. my gram wanted to see her long before she was sick. i had so much anger and rage towards him but not anymore. i know that i could have done something about my daughter not being with me i could have just never let her go with him. or not backed out of her life for a little bit. a stronger mother would have stuck through it no matter how hard her daughter was taking the back and forth between the split up parents. so i own that problem. like i know how he could care less about how bad my gram or anyone wants to see her. obviously. we have tried every avenue with him to no avail and now its too late. she doesnt have the desire to see me or anyone else probably. and i accept that. so i guess im growing a little at a time here. and my gram can see and be around my oldest all she wants now. hope she is looking over her all the time. well i didnt get to all i wanted to get out but i do have some things to take care of here. so i did  a little taking care of me today by letting some more out. if anyone thinks this isnt the place, i feel like i have to let all this out that has been locked up inside in order for me to find the real me and to leave the past, and then actually live in the now and enjoy it. i cant wait till i can get all of it out even though it is not all out and its gonna take time i still feel so much better when i let someof it out. i think this is like a step 4 for me. does that sound right? no i dont have a sponsor. i took the time to tell my husband that i need at least one night a week where i can get to a meeting and i want to be able to stay and talk after wards not rush out of there. so i can actually ask someone to be my sponsor. i have two people in mind but neither are on the list of willing to be sponsors so if the hp thinks it is meant to be one of them will accept. if not im still gonna be here letting it out. i like to write but some things i have to let out i am really ashamed about so hopefully i get someone as a sponsor soon! thanks to anyone who real ALLL of this . oh yeah i also wanted to say i might know another reason i got this path to meeting my a. i think its because my dad left (died) and i felt unloved after that so when i actually did look at the other sex it was at someone who had something wrong with them. like heavily over weight or ugly or wierd or had lots of problems . and i did this because i figured they would worship me and put me on a pedestal and every one would think or say including them how did he get to go out with her? she is so pretty! wow ....yeah i know it sounds like i am a stuck up b..... but in all reality i had low self esteem and was desperate to find some one anyone who wouldnt leave me. i ws desperate for love and affection. and thats where its comes up to the really desperate disgusting belittling things i did for my ex (oldest daughters dad) that i cant bring myself to say right now . he knew i would do anything to keep him and even when i did these things repeatedly for him he still didnt keep his promise to marry me or even stay with me. how stupid could i have been? so yeah i was so twisted waaaay before i met my a. i didnt even want to date my a. i had broken up with someone, and my a worked at my job. everyone then saw me as a hot new piece i guess but i really wasnt interested. i was trying to focus on my  daughter and i for once and getting back on track. i had moved in with my mom (the guy i dumped was writing checks out of my bank account, not telling me, using my car to go do errands pay rent shop kaundry pick up my oldest from school all that) i thought he was an angel i met him from a family member  who married his sister and at that time he was helping with their kids, he was a scam artist and that is wht i have to say about that. it took me finding my mail hidden in the closet with pictures of checks he wrote for me to kick him out immediatley. come to find out months later that he put my daughter head under water in the bathtub one day and wasnt letting her up. she has post traumatic stress syndrome from that now.  she didnt bring that up at all i had no clue till she went to the shore and a wave came up on her and it came back to her. i called cps and they did what they had to do, he moved to florida and if i ever see him i will probably run him over/. at least thats what almost happened two times when i thought i saw him here. i am such a scum bag mother for trusting this man with my child. how could i have done that to my daughter> he was a true scam artist. said he was a vet. said he was working after he left the vet job. he was a pooper scooper in the vet office. he was going around town overnight with my cart doing god knows what becasue i got ea letter in the mail about he voluntarily quit his job by not showing up. and i was wondering why we had no money. yeah some might be pissed at me right now for a scum of a job i did as  a mom but he even had my whole fakmily fooled about what a saint he was. people even wanted me to take him back after the check thing. i could kill him for it. and i know its all my fault,. i was so desperate to keep a roof over our heads and work as many hours as i could between phne calls from day cares and school because she would get kicked out of everyplace i thought he was a life saver he could do all the picking up of my daughter and errands and i could work work work to keep us living (no $$$ from her dad at all or involvement whatsoever at that point) so yeah i did what i had to do. and my daughter was even more messed up/ even though  she wanted me to take him back too. way before she went to the shore and it came out. no he didnt molest her if anyone is wondering ! the cps questioned her a few times they have a way of working with children and they said she didnt give them any inkiling about any of that kind of thing.  so yeah im a pretty messed up person who let her daughter get hurt and all because i just wanted to make sure we had $ to gsurvive from. wish i would have known about alanon long ago. no ididnt have an alcoholic but I would have let go and let god. maybe things would have turned out better. so yeah the things i have done or chosen its most likely a good thing she is with her dad right now. but the lesson i learned from all that is that i have my two daughters here with me now and they are always my top priority besides myself as i have learned. and i am very selective about leaving them with anyone. only mom or in laws thats it. and i learned that drama in front of them isnt good, you have to try and shield the bad from them, and  i am all for the kids now. its all about the kids to me, and hopefully some day soon i will be able to apologize to my oldest and get back on track. but thats another story .man have  i rambled here. i started topics and drifted right off into other ones., thats why frazzled is so fitting. when i get it all out i will find something better to call myself. i know im lucky my daughter is still around. and it may be we i get overly and extremely angry when i watch the news about children being abused or killed by parents or step parents. especially when they knew all along what was going on. the difference is i had no idea but i know when you point the finger at some one three are pointing back at you, and when you feel hate for someone its becasue you hater your self for that same thing. this is an issue i have been needing to let it out, and for anyone who has lost respect for me i accept it. that was long ago and i am not that person anymore. i believe my hp has a plan and i have to have faith that my older one will be in my life again sooner or later. we didnt always have bad times. the bad things are what i have to get rid of so thats what youre hearing. nothing worse has happened to my daughter and i thank the lord for that and i take the blame for  problems and all that has happened. man i need to get a diary
is it better to share this with people or should i just write it all down and burn it when im done? i know i know i neeeeed a sponsor and i am trying for that too but also eager about getting this all out i am interested in finding me and living for today every day,yeah and the last thing about me not beign interested in my a, someone was harrassing me at work and i was not interested in that way either. the man that was harrassing me had a gf but would not leave me alone. like threatening me and stalking me. so my a acted like he was my man so they guy would back off. we ended up hanging out  since the guy was a stalker and its all history from there.
im just getting this wierd feeling that people are going to start hating me from   the long ass posts i do and the outrageous things i am admitting up to. has anyone else ever felt that way? maybe im not supposed to air all my dirty past here. but if not here where? 

-- Edited by frazzled at 15:08, 2007-09-07