The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Not feelin' real great so gonna just write what I feel good about and why not .... so I can try and find some light at the end of the tunnel - like a very bad roller coaster ride in a very long dark tunnel - couple sky lights now and then but false hope of more consistant progress bites.
gratitude and way to go to me!: drinking more water, ate almost 3 meals, don't expect much from A so not too disappointed there, keeping dishes & laundry going, cooking and groceries minumum but got pizza to go, did go to f2f mtg tonite, easy does it & ok to take baby steps, more time with HP
things not feelin' great about: lethargic, fall asleep too often in morning, afternoon plus nights, enjoy having a break in the faking it for my kids as they are off to school most of the time now, find I just want to stay home, isolating, aware, accepting but fighting taken any actions to help myself like walking, calling the few friends I have, miss who I use to be now that I know I've been gone for maybe 6 years - whoa, behaviours change so slow, hate the similarities I have now to the things I always disliked about A ie: his privacy, or walls and now I see after the f2f mtg that I am building walls like him, not boundaries.
Each day is brand new start, have ideas and spend time with HP, do a little and fall asleep. Get a bit anxious about running into anyone I know as just not confident I can fake it right now.
that is all, baby steps may add up, I'll keep taking it one day at a time and hold on to the shred of hope I have with both hands.
ddub, unbalanced today
__________________
"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
I have been where you are. You are not alone. Unbalanced is ok and normal. You are being overwhelmed with a lot to accept all at once. Depression (lethargy) is a big part of the acceptance process. It is the one that I beat myself up about the most because I have a hard time getting the most basic stuff done when it grips me. I feel good these days when I can keep up on dishes and laundry consistantly for days in a row. For years living with the A drained me to the point of paralysis. But I am doing it now. I am taking care of the house much better, and I am starting to get back to being the mother I want to be for my boys. Its hard though. I went to a meeting last night and cried about the fact that I don't feel like I am available enough to my boys, esp the older one(7). Its easier with the baby, but the other just drains me with his energy. I can't keep up. I am starting to take baby steps there too, though. Just trying to give him a hug, or sitting with him a little more often. He gave me the most beautiful smile tonight. I realize I haven't seen it in awhile. I am going to look for it more.
You'll get there. Just keep taking care of yourself.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Any step, no matter how small, in the right direction is a step out of insanity. Keep taking care of yourself, and don't be so hard on yourself - it's never too late to start the day over.
No great words of wisdom here, for I'm in the trenches with you. Remember, however, those baby steps add up to some great stridesover time. The unfortunate part is that the time line is not our own, and definately not fast enough, but it is important to keep moving forward.
Blessings, Lou
__________________
Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I still tell myself that I have to take little bites before the problem will resolve. I do that every day, but every day it's still hard to do. Good for you for taking those babysteps!
I'm so glad you posted this, it's exactly how I feel now. I wondered if it were part of the grief process too. It's been so hard to talk about too, like I'm down a deep hole.
I needed to hear about the baby steps too, so I'm very glad you brought your feelings forward :)
