The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yesterday, I did go to the ex's work. I did attempt to show his GF (fiancee I just found out, he bought her a beautiful diamond) the text messages he's been sending me for a couple months. He smashed my cell, and got very physically violent and threw me out the door. I went straight to the police station and filed a report and he was arrested last night. I went and got an order of protection today. He emiled me that he and his GF are getting RO against me and her mother is sending me a certified letter telling me if I ever come in her store again she will call the cops and it will be tresspassing. The officer I spoke with while getting my RO said that would be impossible as I didn't break any laws.
There was this decripition of domestic violence taped to her desk. It described what my ex has done to me sexually. I honestly didn't understand that he has used sex as a control. That what happened the other day wasn't just bad sex. I said wait, he didn't, he ran away, he took advantage of me in a very vunerable state. This program has taught me to take responsibility for my actions. The last 3 times we were together I was in a very vunerable state and he took advantage of that.I said stop, I said don't and I said wait. And he didn't. And he left so fast after telling me it was all my fault. That he forced himself on me was my fault. As I lay there in shock as to what just happened trying to sort it out and make it a normal, ok thing. The first time he did it was when our oldest was first born. She was 2 weeks old and he forced himself on me. I made excuses and told myself it was no big deal. That is what I have always told myself. He strangled me and I almost passed out, no big deal, he was in a manic phase, under alot of stress because I caught him cheating and the kids and I were moving out. But you know what? I realized today that it is a big deal. It is wrong and as long as I let him use and abuse me then he will. When he knocked me down in my hallway in May and I had bruises and I was so confused. I was confused because I kept trying to see how it was MY fault like he told me it was, I kept trying to "normalize" these incidents and make light of them and take responsibility for them. Today, I stopped that. I said out loud what he had done, to a judge. It was a horrible moment to say that out loud. It was the most degrading thing to say. I was so hysterical I couldn't even explain what I think my reasons are for keeping this to myself, not that anyone was asking.
It changes so much for me to see it in it's real light. The truth. My feelings behind the truth of what has happened with him. I still wish they would drop off the face of the earth but that never happens. I still have to go forward and raise my kids and figure out how to pay the bills and work. But I just feel like I stopped banging my head against the wall. I have a no contact order of protection for me and the kids. I have to go face him in court next Thurs. I can't tell you how many times I called the cops on him when he was beating the pulp out of me only to not press charges or to be talked out of pressing charges by the cops. The violence was terrifying and I just lived with it, explained it away or felt guilty for it. I was abused, in every sense of the word. I knew I was but I didn't really ever let it get to me after all I wasn't "that" woman. I refused to be the victim. But I was.
I don't know how this will progress. I need help sorting this out. My feelings, my emotions. I am still planning on moving, I can't stay and feel safe here. That has to be a goal as I have to get some work done on the house. Today was another bad day. But I am safe and I think I might have a clue now as to how to keep myself safe.
Wow. I can't believe you went to his work. That wasn't a good idea. On the positive side though maybe you two will have closure now. It's very easy to put yourself in the "victim" role when you've been hurt. I hope you can put this behind you and move on for the sake of your children. Let him and his new girlfriend live in whatever dysfunction they like. Stay away from them!!!! Your in my prayers ^i^
What's done is done...but you are right. Not too fabulous. I cannot imagine any of this made you feel better about yourself or anything else. Rise above. Rise above...
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
As we begin to recover, it's like peeling the layers of the onion, one by one and exposing the truths and denials we've been living with, as well as the good things about ourselves. It's not all bad and it's not all good. There is a balance.
I was taught to "never incite the alcoholic and never stop the alcoholic's behavior in the natural course of events." In other words, keeping the focus on me and not feeding or fueling him but also not covering or enabling or anything else while he's in the throes of his disease.
I know it hurts. I know it's going to be challenging but you can do it!!! We know you can. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. You have the law and the courts on your side. If he's got a RO on you, please don't violate it. Your children are already without their Dad and really need their Mom. Make a plan with someone, your best friend or someone you trust or someone in program that if you feel like you want to go over and tell him off or whatever, that you will call your friend instead.
Let go and let God hon and keep coming, Praying for you and the kids, love Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Shame. I kept those secrets from the world because of it. I denied reality to avoid it. I hide under the fog of it. When I was in the midst of my disease I justified any action that a supposed "loved one" took in order to perpetuate my cloudy vision of reality. My low self esteem and self worth allowed me to take the ownership of someone else's shame. I was the one injured, yet was easily convinced it was somehow my own fault. I deserved it because of my own inadequacy.
Al-Anon has set me free of that shame. Working this program has blown the cloud off of me. I no longer own anyone else's shame. They are responsible for their actions, just as I am responsible for mine. In any given situation, I can look at my part, decide for myself what that is, and leave what doesnt belong to me where it belongs. And I can hold them and myself accountable where accountability needs to rest.
Go easy on yourself my friend. One of the hardest things I have had to work on in my recovery, is forgiving myself for "allowing" things to happen to me in the past. I did the best I could at the time. What I had to do to survive. So too have you, and I applaud you, with all sincerity, for getting this far...many do not! With this program, comes the gift of not only surviving, but the opportunity to grow and to really start living.
This started for me with the serenity prayer. Acceptance of what I can't control. Courage to change what I can, which was me and only me. And wisdom to discern what is mine and what is not mine.
Keeping the focus on my side of the street, and forcing my vision back to my side time and time again, when it starts wandering off across the road again!
I have found the A;s intense demands and then complete abandonment incredibly triggering. I can relate to the confusion, pain, loss and bewilderment. The A was always splitting me with people and claiming I was either owed him my life and all my savings and all my belongings or wanted nothing to do with me forever. Talk about intense incredible pain. He seemed to know exactly when to hit me with his requests, bewilder me, abandon me and then come back for more. We did that sorry dance for 7 years. There were good times, there were even times when we were productive but eventually it became a huge cycle of pain. My only resource for such a long long time was the room where people understood, did not judge and held me through the pain. I reach out now as much as I can with recovery partners.
I am here and listening anytime you want to share. I know what it is to be bewildered with grief, rage, triggeerd and not know where to turn.
David, I so appreciate what you said, it hits home for me. It's hard to accept that we allowed stuff to go on like it did, but it's true, we didn't know or understand.
I was with my A for seven years and didn't "know" he was physically and verbally abusive until a couple weeks ago. How's that for *not knowing*?? All I did was hunker down and endure it.
Being abused is IMO an issue that needs to be addressed on it's own, not all of us have abusive A's (abusive whether sober or not). Detatchment and self-work is still essential but it's NOT ENOUGH when you are at risk of injury or are being degraded and belittled on a daily basis. For me, getting away from my A was the priority (I'm realizing belatedly . . . but instinctually, I knew I had to). It was too much for any human being to put up with.
I'm so glad you got the RO Serendipity . . . don't back down now. It will help YOU stay away from him too when/if you feel "weak". Maybe you can get some clarity now that it's illegal to have any contact with him :D . It sure has done the trick for me anyway.
Take care of yourself sweetie, I know it hurts but you are doing the best you can do. You took a huge step getting the RO. Kim :)
I can totally relate with you on the parts where having sex and not knowing what the hell happened part. that was actually with my older daughters father and he wasnt even an alcoholic. he was abusive in everyway possible though. so i think its just any man we let manipulate us so much that we are caught in this trap that makes us feel so low and unwanted by anyone else (or at least that how i felt) like no one else could ever want me thats how emotionally abused i was . but the thing is we have to try and be strong for ourselves and our children and that took me yeaaaaars to get away from that guy!! i had to keep my foot down and actually go through a few rocky relationships where he would find out about them and either tell me please break up with him so we can get back together and he would drop me like ahotcake, or he would try and sabotage any relationship after i stopped falling for the break up so we can get back to gether forever part. anyway hopefully you are doing ok it can only get better from here and i am so glad that you have alanon and this place to fall back on for support ! yeah so you went to the job and that was a mistake! something has to happen for this to all come to an end. sometime you just cant help yourself and you play god. sooner or later the fiance will learn for herself~ but in the meantime i hope you be good to yourself ! take care of your self and if youre anything like me you are probably intimidated and angry with rage in the days before the courthouse. (i havent been to court since i have been in alanon) but hopefully for me and for you the next time we have to face the "abuser" in court, we use our tools and hold our composure, it takes a lot doesnt it but its worth it rise above all that drama and be fabulous! take what you want and leave the rest im new but could relate with the sex thing so good luck!
