(((Carolinagirl)))

Ditto what Friend said, Hon. Detach, detach, detach. This is just business. Too much drama shows, and it will drain you.

I don't mean to sound critical. We all have slips. I just hope you all will tell me if I don't notice my next one before you all do.

Do something nice for you today. Maybe get your mind off of it for a bit.

In recovery,

I think what you're looking for is called validation, and yes it does feel good. Alot of times by the time we arrive at our own bottom and come to this program we begin to doubt our own sanity because what we've survived is incredibly insane. Depending on the extent of the dysfunction we look for validation in various areas. The dysfunction was so great in my own case I looked for, and still do, unfortuneately, that the people who were creating it would acknowledge and accept what I was telling them was the truth.
This is very common. But there's an inherent problem with the logic. You don't ask a rock rolling down a hill "Are you rolling down a hill?" You don't ask a gun "Are you a gun?" To go back to the age old "If it quacks like a duck..." because my defenses and mental faculties had been so shattered, it was easier to believe the insanity was all my doing rather than my parents. In your case, it's sweet revenge (yes, I still seek this too) and validation of what Susan Forward calls "A Higher Power" that some entity is telling you "You were right all along. You knew you were. You just didn't trust yourself. The house was burning down all around you. You couldn't trust yourself. But that's over now. Sit back and enjoy the collapse."
Now, here, too, though, there's a problem. The more step work I do, the more time I give, the more space I have, and the more reality that sinks into my soul, I realize that no dysfunction exists in a vacuum. We each bring our shortcomings into a relationship. In my case I am facing the reality that the same feelings of shame, failure, self hatred and anger I imposed on myself (this way no one could punish me with them) and that I lived with on a daily basis were imposed and placed upon my parents. Most, if not all, of the failures in parenting my parents gave to me were given to them. My mother, I know for a fact, was not wanted; as the 8th of 10 children in a "good catholic family" her family was abjectly poor, acholic, dysfunctional, domestically violent, and very probably incestuous. I feel so sad for my mother: more and more, the woman had a chance the few years she was sober to deal with her deamons head on, and she chose not to, but to return to the shame (sometimes, the dark side IS safer!). Moreover, I feel sad for BOTH my parents: they have never taken the risk to look at themselves, look at their lives, and challenge the way they were brought up. That maybe, just maybe, their self worth is God determined, not human determined, and they are not the worthless, pieces of sh*** their parents told them they were.
Lucky for YOU however, you have this program. YOU can stop rubbernecking. YOU can reparent yourself and look at the baggage you brought into this relationship. What is it--outside of the validation of this institution--that you are really looking for? Is it that you want revenge on your ex for all those nights when he drove drunk? When he was sleeping around, and you were taking care of 5 screaming kids, sick with the flu? When he was screaming drunk, and all you could do was scream back, knowing in your heart the example it set for the kids? I recommend, strongly, that you sit down with a pad of paper, and look at what you expected when you married him, what you actually got, and where it is you still feel owed. Then, having looked at this, look at where you go today to get your "owes" met. For example, to get my attention from men, I am not above dressing scantily, acting in ways to get attention, or behaving in other ways that I know attract men. I also engage in poor money management, poor eating, and poor self nurturing habits, believing that if I get in enough trouble that some white knight will ride in and rescue me. There is no white knight! I am my own white knight! I have al anon!
In addition, after you seriously look at what current behavior enables your "owing", I would also strongly recommend how you could rechannel it. For example, I learned that dressing in classy, professional suits was a much better way to attract attention from men than dressing llike a slut. I also learned that shopping irresponsibly was getting me nothing but overdrafts; however, shopping at the jewlery counter during clearance season got me fantastic sales.