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O.K. here is my very first post as a newbie..........and my question is.........doyou think it's ok for us (as the parents )of a 22 year old A son who is living withus to demand he attend AA meetings ? He's in denial, but has had problems for the past 6 plus years.............mips, jail, treatment programs, counseling, "only" 1 DUI....totaled our vehicle....on and on. Long story ofcourse....to further complicate matters, he's type 1 diabetic and has a personality disorder. Long story short, his behavior is making us crazy. We are trying so hard to HELP him .....he is such a difficult person to live with....not just from the alcohol........but again, his personality disorder(social anxiety) really causes problems and I wish I could easily explain why. All of the necessary business he should tend to in order to succeed in life, he ignores or just does such a poor job of trying to handle things, that he makes no progress. So what do you think ?
I think if you do that you will only cause him to rebel and make the problem worse. I can't tell you what to do but usually trying to "help" them is hurting them. Can you find an al-anon meeting to go to? It sounds like you really need it. Good luck.
You really can't "force" anyone to to anything they don't want to do. He chooses to go to the meetings or he chooses something else I'm sure right?
I would like to say welcome and thanks for your post. I hope that you will find a local Alanon meeting to attend so that you can get more support there. Just remember you didn't cause him to become an alcoholic, you can't cure him from alcoholism and you can't control whether he chooses to drink or not. Those are the 3 c's. Finding a local meeting will help you to have a support network, people who have been where you are now.
Generally, AA doesn't "take" unless the person really wants to change. However, you do have some choices - you don't just have to keep living with his acting out. You can stop enabling him, if you are, and you can set some boundaries. These would vary according to what your situation is, and to what you really feel you could stick to. Much better to have what an outsider would consider a too-mild boundary that you really stick to, than a harsh line that you don't really feel able to uphold.
Alanon meetings and reading will help you get some idea of the direction you want to go in. Remember, the boundaries are about YOU, not about him. Unfortunately, you can't get sober for him.
As has already been said we can't tell you what to do but I can tell you how I handled the situation with my son.
His disease progressed to the point that he had lost everything...his own business that was doing quite well, two wives, four children, his house and all it's furnishings, as well as two vehicles. He went to rehab only to avoid being arrested for robbing our home. When it was time for him to come home he had to have an addres to go to. We told him he could come here for one week but after that he had to have a different place to live. It was hard but his living here created so much stress I simply could not allow it.
Today he is doing good, just for today. He recently told me something that I pass on as often as I can and that was. "Mom, the one thing I want for you is that you live long enough to tell 20,000 mothers that the best thing they can do for their children who are addicted to anything is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! I have heard people say in meetings so often that they got nowhere in their recovery until their parents stopped completely". He too didn't get anywhere in his recovery until we stopped...we shut the bank of mom down, if he had a court date we didn't call to remind him, we stopped calling to see if he had paid his utilities, paid his child support etc.....we stopped minding his business and gave him the dignity to live his life as he chose to live it. We also set boundaries and we stuck to them. Things we would not allow to happen in our home and things that were ok. The key to boundaries is that you have to stick to them the first time they are violated.
Was all of this hard? You bet it was and there are times when it still is. I call myself the poster child for Codependency so I have always fixed everything and everybody except for me. When I got into program I started working on me and every time I do the next right thing I take some of my personal power back.
I told my son once that the hardest thing for me to learn to do was to mind my own business. He said that he was so glad when I started doing that because it gave him a chance to grow up.
The one piece of advice I will give you is stop trying to fix him, you can't! His addiction IS NOT YOUR FAULT..he has the only disease that the world will scream at him for having. However, the one thing you can do is get yourself into a 12 step program and start working on you. When you change your reactions to his actions you will slowly see changes in him. It doesn't happen over night but things didn't progress to this point overnight either.
Welcome aboard and keep coming back. This place is like a meeting on demand..there is always someone here that will talk to you when you need it.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
Hi all I knew before I even asked that ya'll would tell me ......NO.....do not force AA meetings. I wish that I could easily, quickly explain this whole situation with my son. Then I wish that you would all wave that magic wand my way....... We've done so much counseling over the past 6 years. We have done some meetings. My husband and I have tried SO much So hard for SO long to help our son. There's just so much more to it than the alcohol. By the way, he's not an everyday drinker....infact, he's gone several months between drinking....when he does, he can't quit....he consumes such volumes that I'm really surprised he's not killed himself with alcohol poisoning.....scary. Tell me about this kind of a "binge" ? drinker ?????? Also, don't you think it's sad but true that money (lack of) plays such a part in all of this....like you need lots of it in order to be out there living on your own........my son works, but who can live on $7 hr.......
Just a thought .......... he may very well benefit by going to Al-anon! It's a kind, honest, gentle, and accepting program.
I don't have an A child just for today (and I pray to God every night that I won't) but if it's in the very beginning stages and he is dependent upon you and amenable with counseling, treatment or whatever, I would certainly try.
He may not want you to attend with him so he can have his own meetings, either in AA or Al-anon.
Keep coming, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I hear a key problem when you write..... You use the words "WE" alot. I can't stress enough that he is the one that needs to be doing things for himself. There are people who have recovered from alcoholism that were poor and had nothing. That's why the program is free. Money has NOTHING to do with it. By helping him, giving him a place to stay, catering to a few needs you are enabling him to continue. With alcoholics "binge drinkers" or any alcoholic they can not just start off slow, they ALWAYS pick up exactly where they left off. They can't just drink a beer, it will go into a 12 pack and then mixed alcohol, ect. They usually do go seven months or have you believe that they are. They get VERY good at hiding it. They will find your weaknesses and work around it. I say you're in denial because for some reason you are holding on to reason that YOU can help him. You CAN'T. There are "functioning" alcoholics and "nonfunctioning" alcoholics....but as I said....poor people can quit drinking. His $7.00 has nothing to do with his sobriety. Keep coming back.
