The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My spouse has been sober for three years now. I am so happy for him. The problem I am having is that I do not want to be married any longer. I am surprised by that because I fought so long for saving our marriage and put up with so much. Now, he has been sober but I do not have any feelings for him as a spouse. I see him as a friend. Has anyone experienced this? I feel stuck. I do not want to be married yet do not want to divorce him. He would be so hurt. The kids would be so hurt. He is going to AA to get his licsence but says he will not continue when he gets it. I guess it is all the little things that have built up for me like him not wanting to talk much, him not doing things with the family instead wanting to watch tv, him not helping or holding the door open for me when I am carrying a load of groceries in etc.. He will act nice if he is not pushed to do any of these types of things but minimizes the issues if I talk about them. I feel as if I do not really know what life is about living like this. We have been to counseling together briefly and me alone. Just wondering what your thoughts are. All help is appreciated. Please comment.
Can relate so much to your post. I remember being told by my sister-in-law that it is okay to walk away if your needs aren't being met. Even if you love him. I was and still am pretty confused and trying hard to figure out my needs. As you can see, I don't have much strenght and hope on this one, just experience. I will be interested in the responses. Thanks for posting. I hope you keep coming back.
welcome to MiP~~ perhaps, here you can find some peace and understanding to those feelings of yours. i am proud of you for having the courage to jump in and encourage you to continue writing, posting and replying.
"I feel stuck. I do not want to be married yet do not want to divorce him. He would be so hurt. The kids would be so hurt."
so, what is your happiness worth? are you going to continue sacrificing what YOU want to keep others from hurting? perhaps you are still thinking about things?
for me, it was coming here and learning the al-anon program. that took honesty and taking a good look at my feelings. sober or not, we are all people. i'm proud of your hubby for getting sober. that doesn't mean there is happiness and joy, and you may have to make some tough decisions~~~ those are yours, and only yours to make.
you came here, so you obviously care deeply for your family and your own situation. i would say, get yourself to an Al-Anon face to face meeting as soon as you can... they are great places (just like here) to get experience, strength and hope from people who've also been in situations like yours.
one last thing to add --- perhaps your husband can go with you or even on his own to an Al-Anon meeting. i say this for no reason other than my opinion that AA meetings work toward the goal of beating the addiction, while Al-Anon does a lot more with feelings and personalities.
welcome again, and you can always take what you want (from my opinions/postings) and leave the rest with love, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Just because someone isn't drinking doesn't mean they are sober. For me, sober is a state of mind, not just abstaining from alcohol. I've been on both sides of the fence, both as a recovering alkie, and loved one of an alkie.
Since he's going to AA only to jump through hoops (get his license back), and has made it clear he will no longer attend once he gets his license, that is a big red flag for me.
I spent most of my adult life walking on eggshells, trying very hard not to hurt anyone, regardless of the consequences to me.
That didn't work very well, and I certainly didn't have any serenity.
If the feelings aren't there, they aren't there.
Kids are also very perceptive, and I have no doubt they are picking up on the lack of a committed and loving marriage with both parties.
My youngest has gotten angry about a lot of decisions I have made for myself in recovery, but she gets over it.
I'm here to be her mother, not her best friend.
Walking through life trying to keep everyone happy is NOT a good way for me to live.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I thought my life would get better too when my AH was out of my house, sober & I had no contact with him. But the truth is I was still miserable. Why? Because I had been affected by the disease of alcoholism.
This is when I started attending f2f meetings in Al-Anon. In those meetings, I learned to focus on myself and learning what was right for me. Just because I person is in recovery doesn't mean that all relationships will work out - but when both people are working on their own seperate recoveries - it does give the relationship a better chance.
Even if you aren't able to stay in the marriage - I truly believe that a program of recovery is beneficial to all those who have lived with alcoholics/addicts.
Wishing you serenity & joy, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I believe sometimes we in al anon place too much of our problems on alcoholism. When my AH returned from rehab I believed that all of his character defects would be cured. What I learned is that there are defects caused or enhanced by drinking, and there are defects that he has whether he drinks or not. Accepting a person for who they are sober, faults and all, is a difficult thing to learn how to do. It is part of our recovery.
In my opinion marriage is a decision, not a feeling. There are things in a marriage I personally won't tolerate...abuse and adultery specifically, but my AH won't tolerate those of me either. I hope you will take the time to get some marriage counseling and work on the relationship aside from the a'ism. All relationships exist in waves, sometimes the lulls are long, boring, and painful. But I rely on the knowledge that at some point we will be riding high again.
None of this may be of use to you, if so just ignore my ramblings!
Welcome to the MIP Family Group. So glad you are here and sharing with us your recovery as well as your AH's recovery.
"Now, he has been sober but I do not have any feelings for him as a spouse. I see him as a friend. Has anyone experienced this"?
I have experienced these feelings several times through out my relationship with my AH. Sometimes greater feelings of distance than others and we have separated a few times. Somehow we have managed to come back together. Sobriety is not easy... changing ourselves and our attitudes about the A and the situation at home is not easy either. What I love about this program is that it gave me the understanding that I did not have to have all the answers in one day. I gave myself permission to feel my feelings and try to understand my needs better. I no longer look to my AH for my happiness. If he chooses not to come with us to do something I don't get upset or depressed about it any longer. I simply say, see ya later and go. The kids and I miss him but I understand that the character defects in him are still being worked out. Some might not ever go away. I'm learning that my AH is actually a quiet person. When he was drinking and drugging he was loud, talkative, and obnocsious.
Because he is quiet now we often have periods of silence between us. I am learning to be a peace with this silence and understand that its o.k. not to chat away all the time. Give yourself time to explore this program, your needs, your relationship and make the best decision that fits for you. It sounds easy, but its not... it takes patience and perserverence to continue to understand your husband and your needs. So glad he made the choice to become sober and you made the choice to reach out to Alanon. Keep coming back.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I do feel some of this is not related to the drinking. I am pretty sure his personality, character and knowledge of relationships plays a part of this as well. We have attended marriage counseling but will need to again if I think I need to continue to try and stay in this relationship. Thank you for your reply.
I have always felt that self happiness and sacrafice was needed in a marriage. I am just not sure if I believe that any more as I am so unhappy and do not think I can live like this for the rest of my life. There has to be some major changes in our relationship or I will have to get out of being married.
