The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been talking to one of my recovery partners at length about a topic that we both seem to have compulsive behaviors behind. I believe now that my long extended relationship with the A was a core symptom of hiding from life. I had to make his life more important than mine in order to hide from all my needs. I find it tremendously difficult to acknowledge my own needs so I buried myself in his. I also find it tremendously difficult to be out there in the world. Being part of a couple is easier for me than being single. That has not changed at all as I have aged and supposedly matured. I am still as afraid today to be alone (even when the relationships I am are so destructive) than to be part of. Of course since I hid my needs I was not part of anything but something incredibly dysfunctional.
As painful as this is to look at its better for me than to be off obsessing about the A and how he has abandoned me again. He hasn't of course because he was never "there" in the first place.
I also think its interesting for me to see that there was some reason for my staying with him and elevating him to more important than me. That was a way to deal with overwhelming pain and a feeling of not being good enough.
Maresie, I really identify with the fear of being single and "out there in the world." I recently decided to separate from my alcoholic/addict husband and have just spent my first couple of nights alone with our baby. I've been hanging on to the hope that this time he really will get sober and stay that way so we can reunite and be a happy little family again. But hope is wearing quite thin and I wonder how much of it really stems from that exact fear of existing as a person outside of the "couple" relationship. I think that there really is a lot of good to our marriage when he is not sucking the life out of me with his using and all the insanity that comes with it. But maybe I'm just scared... I don't know. I guess I just wanted to say thanks for giving me something to reflect on. Erin
I think that alot of women including myself think like that. Thanks for your courage in sharing your fears. I have been for the most part alone for two years. Not by my choice. I have run the full gambit of feelings. I know that I tolerated way more dysfunction when my AHsober lived here than I should of. But why take a stand because then he will leave me. And he did anyway. I am very surprised at Alanon meetings when women say that they could never live alone like I do. I don't like it, it was not my choice, I did add to the problems of the relationship, but I wanted to work it out. You dont necessarily work things out with an A sober or drunk. But with no choice, I live alone. It's doable with the help of friends, family and strangers. And with the company of my dogs and my cat.
I know I REALLY felt that way in the beginning. I was SO desperate to fill that hole of having someone to talk to every day and spend time with. I guess I have turned into a loner over time. I am not quite content to be doing my thing every day and not concerning myself with someone else. I know a very large part of that was my fear that I wasn't good enough or strong enough to make it on my own. I was scared that I would fail and all of us would suffer for it that I couldn't keep it together long enough to take care of myself and the kids. It has been a year and I have a new confidence that we can survive anything. All I can say is just hang in there and keep doing your thing, fill up your time. I realized that I don't make time for people to just sit and have a conversation, it was always rush rush rush I had something more pressing to get to. I still battle with that but I find myself allowing more and more time to sit and relax and chat with people - thus developing friends!! I still need to work at fighting the self isolation tho. Thanks for the reminder.
Isolation is huge for me. I have a new recovery partner/friend and we are working to encourage each other to reach out more. I certainly feel less alone these days. At the same time I know I have hit bottom on so many levels with the A. In theory the bottoms have been numerous but he always came back to a certain extent to functioning. He has not functioned really all year, its been a quick decline. He is practically homeless, penniless, ill, facing jail, no vehicle, no friends nothing, he has barely a relationshp with a distant uncle who is reluctant to open up to. Without al anon I would be on overwhelm 24/7 just facing where he is. With al anon I can cope, rise to the occasion and move on.
