The material presented
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level.
I was thinking yesterday when I was on my walk about all the insignificant lies that my AHsober has told me. I even asked the counselor this last week, and she said that there are so many lies up there in that brain of his that he is so confused about what he has said, not said, is about to say, should say, should not say, that even HE doesn't know what is true/not true (sometimes I believe he DOES know some of the lies that he is telling me, tho). Mind you, I don't sit and question him, it's just that in normal, everyday conversation these questions may come up. He asks me about my day, sometimes, and I ask him what went on with him today. I SHOULD be able to talk to my H about anything and everything...oh wait, that's not true, because he's an A, and we do NOT have a healthy relationship...sigh...
When I ask him specifics, he usually says, "I don't know". The counselor and I think it's because he isn't sure what he is supposed to say, because he might contradict something he said earlier on the subject. So he waits until he has time to process it, and make sure that if he's about to be caught in a lie, he can cover himself.
He has lied, and contines to lie, about such trivial things, such as: if he talked to his daughter or not; whether he has talked to his ex about his daughter; whether his daughter is going to college in the fall or waiting til winter quarter; if he ate lunch with her this week; if he ate lunch with his work crew today; if he has a move today; who he saw/talked to today; how much money he made on today's job...the list goes on and on and on. He even admitted to me several times when I questioned him that the first 3 1/2 years of our marriage were a lie, because of his secret life on the sly. It is still going on to this day, so I'm at the point where I'm telling myself that, to play it safe, I will assume that everything that he says is not true. That way, I won't hurt as bad when I find out, IF I find out, that he has lied yet again. Safety mechanism...
The reason I'm posting this is because I am daily (or even moment by moment) having these revelations, if you can call them that, that this isn't going anywhere. LOL, big DUH, right... I believe that, as it says in "The Language of Letting Go", that I will know what I need to know when it's time (paraphrased). From the April 21 reading, called "Waiting", it says:
"Wait. If the time is not right, the way is not clear, the answer or decision not consistent, wait. We may feel a sense of urgency. We may want to resolve the issue by doing something - anything, now, but that action is not in our best interest. Living with confusion or unsolved problems is difficult...If the time is not right, wait. If the way is not clear, do not plunge forward...Often, waiting is a God-guided action, one with as much power as a decision, and more power than an urgent ill-timed decision...We do not have to pressure ourselves by insisting that we do or know something before it's time. When it is time, we will know. We will move into that time naturally and harmoniously. We will have peace and consistency. We will feel empowered in a way we do not feel today...Waiting isn't easy. It isn't fun. But waiting is often necessary to get what we want. It is not deadtime; it is not downtime. The answer will come. The power will come. The time will come. And it will be right...God, help me let go of my fear, urgency, and panic. Help me learn the art of waiting until the time is right. Help me learn timing."
This book, especially this reading, helped me when his drinking was first brought to light. It helped me get through when he was away in treatment, it helped me when he was in jail for 5 months. I'm finding that I'm seeking out the readings that I first read with a vengeance upon finding out he was an A. They help comfort me while I'm waiting.
My exA was a compulsive liar, and yeah, I thought a lot like your therapist and you . . . there was so many lies up in that head of his he didn't know from moment to moment which "lie" he needed to tell.
I am thinking now (three months after I kicked him out, with no contact) that the A is not a real person at all, in a psychological sense. He's like an artificial person. If you cracked his head open, there would be a couple of flies buzzing around BUT THAT'S IT. The lights are on, but no one is home.
Whether they get that way from lying constantly or if they have a pathology of the mind to begin with, I'm not sure. I'm not sure it matters. What does matter to me is what I think of it based on the effects it's had on my life.
It makes me wonder if the relationship I had with my A for seven years was anything but a one sided affair (on my side) and a constantly shifting phantasm of lies and manipulations from a miserable, empty person on his side.
It's having me "re-look" at what I "thought" I had versus what I "did" have. I believe now I had almost nothing of what I thought I had. The A had every one else fooled, why not me too?
Considering I have relationships with people who DON'T lie constantly, I am astounded I put up with it as long as I did. I'm sorry this is happening to you, Kathi. Stay strong hon. Kim :)
Thanks for reminding me about "Letting Go" and these beautiful words about it. To often I get caught up in doing something about a situation thinking I am setting boundaries, taking action, doing God's will. After all, if God hasn't revealed his will to me, I can still do something. Unfortunately, I usually have a hidden motive beneath what I am telling myself. Trusting that the way will be clear. Many thanks for posting this.
I believe that, as it says in "The Language of Letting Go", that I will know what I need to know when it's time (paraphrased). From the April 21 reading, called "Waiting", it says: