I am just beat. Yesterday, much to my surprise and happiness, I was taken out to lunch by the chair and the senior faculty of the econ dept. I was being wined and dined for their graduate program!  So the whole time--well, after about 20 mins of being like, "Ok, gotta do this right, can't screw this up"--I start to feel ok, and I start to be me. And I start to let them see the real me.
 And when it's all said and done we get back to campus (it was move in day for the freshman--the whole campus was turned upside down for the freshman. I was trying to be empathetic and understanding, but when all the major roadways are blocked off, it's rather difficult), I'm feeling . The "eeeeeggggghhhh" feelings. Like "good things are happening. Happy things are happening. So why aren't I like happy and all that?" And then of course I start freaking out--what if I screwed up? What if I looked like a fool? what if I didn't show them what I really was? **what if I looked human?** And then, the small voice of my higher power comes through "Were you yourself?" "Yes" "Then you couldn't have screwed up."
 So I go out to my sponsor's house, praying the whole way. For the first time, I'm dealing with the reality that good things can happen in life too! Good things can happen, and I deserve good things! But what do you do with good feelings?
 Absolutely nothing, she said. They're feelings. Feel them. honor them. REspect them. Let them be. Just like you feel and honor the darker feelings, do the same with the lighter feelings. Just like you have a right to go through the darker feelings,you have a right to go through the lighter feeligns.
 Ohhhh.  Ok!
 During morning meditation, something else occured to me: my whole life, I've determined how I've felt based on how you've behaved. You're hurtful remarks; you're drinking again; you're abusive behavior. Now I'm facing the reality that I can't use that behavior anymore. I have to determine my feelings and my behavior based on how I feel seperate from how you behave. I have to determine how I am as I am, reguardless of how you are. And that's a big deal. You could swim the length of the atlantic ocean, and I still have to be responsible for me.  That's a whole new way of thinking, there--it's easier to be a victim in that state. To say "when you say....I feel...and I think..." because it's based on re/action. But now I'm at a place where I need to re/spond.
 Just wanted to share where I'm at, and maybe give encouragement to someone else. Of course, there's gonna come a point where I'm gonna actually have to *practice* all this.......progress not perfection...