The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It was exactly one month ago today my boyfriend (and 1 yr old son's father) died in car crash while DUI. I am getting up every am, going to college FT and taking care of the kids. I am making myself do things but still in so much pain. I got very touching and helpful responses when I posted before, thanks to everyone. It is such a rollercoaster, angry at myself for not babysitting him that night-grief for him that he will miss the rest of his young life. Loss and love over the good times we had when he was sober a year and a half. The next minute I want to yell at him and ask him why the heck he couldn't just be a drunk at home, and not had to sneak out and drive off for another beer-what was so horrible about staying home with a family that wanted him around? I want to confront him and know I never can-yell at him for leaving my baby without a father for the rest of his life. I want to tell him I'm sorry for not saving him and how much i miss and really did love him, thank him for all the good things he did for me, but never can. I am not very religious and don't feel I have much to lean on or sustain me. I felt so lonely today and so frustrated at the lack of closure I will ever have where our relationship is concerned-that for a minute I wished I would have wrecked instead of him-so I wouldn't have to be the strong one and take care of the kids by myself and face all this alone,starting everything over, picking up the pieces of this mess he caused. I wouldn't wish that on my children, but I just felt so overwhelmed and grief-ridden today. I am taking care of business each day, and trying to put on a semi-happy face for the kids, but I just feel like how can I ever be happy again? I really did love him and I feel as if the one person who understood me and didn't abandon me is gone. And on top of that I have to decide if I stay here where I moved to be w him? or move 4500 miles back to my hometown. Either way is just like totally starting all over again. I just wanted a family with a mother and father for the kids. I am so angry that I can't have that.
I'm so sorry for your loss. This must be a very tough time for you. I can understand your feelings of anger as there were obviously some very good times for you and your partner. Unfortunately we have no control over alcholism and it takes some terrible paths and has some truly awful symptoms such as lack of responsible behaviour. It is very clear that you loved him very much and I wish you the best, keep posting and the best to you and your children.
Sweetheart, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. There is nothing you could have done. If you would have saved him that night there would only have been another night. It's hard to understand why someone died but there is always a reason. You have to believe in your HP. Turn this horrible tragedy into something positive. You can make your son proud. Sharing your story may make ONE person think before they drink and drive. Good luck. Big hugs and kisses to you and your precious son.
Sweetheart, Friend is right. You are not responsible for this. There is nothing you could have done. I am so sorry for your loss. Please come back here often. Your grief is still so raw, you need support. I know you are working hard, but try to do something nice for yourself today. Also maybe it would help to journal all that anger and resentment. I know you can't talk to him, but you can still get it out. There are other ways to find closure.
Take care of yourself.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I too was a widow very young from the same thing. Our son and daughter were tiny toddlers. I know you were not married, does not matter, you are still a widow.
Your kids can get survivor benefits. Did you know this. My son was not bio his but he got it too. Does not matter you were not married. At least it did not used to be. I was down and sick for a year. Was a horrible mess. I don't know how you are doing this.
Breaks my heart for you. Honey if you can go home, I sure would. You need help and the kids do too.
It will take a lot of time to feel better. Mine is twentysix years gone, raised my kids, went back to college, remarried my first love and he died too.
He had a brain tumor removed, woke up a monster, not my husband.
I hope you can do for YOU. Probably don't even realize how sick you are honey.
Kim 4 my husband and I had gotten into a horrible fight. I told him I was divorcing him as he drove with the babies drunk. I was soooo mad. Next thing I know he is drunk on a hiway and ran over. took him a week to die.
I have regrets too. I relate. I miss him more now than ever. Want to hear him laugh, sing, uno?
Here I am mid aged and alone. Please let yourself heal. Find a \good support group.
You are my sister big time. Younger one. I feel for you to the pit of my stomach you and the kids and their daddy.
You are very hard on yourself. I think closure takes a long long time. Don't buy into that some people get closure straight away. Trauma sometimes takes a while. One good thing is you have this group to come to. I so rely and lean on this group. I hope you will too.
I am glad that you can come here. Grief is a huge issue for many of us.
Geeting them Sober the series of books has helped me immensely.
I can imagine you have so much on your plate at the moment its hard to make decisions. I sometimes have to take it one day at a time and try to work through issues as they come up rather than make huge decisions all at once. Today I am back on one day at a time and i'm willing to accept that.
Be kind to yourself, be the mother to yourself as well as the children. What would a good mother do for you.
We are here to listen to it all , the greif, the anger, the mixed feelings all of it. No one here is going to shoulda woulda coulda you.
