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i am very interested in the new issue that came up tonight (for me anyway) ,,, i have heard or read somewhere recently about this but so mch going on so i tend to jump from thing to thing. lol alot of people in the group were talking about not wanting to get into relationships out of fear of finding the kinds of people they/we have always attracted. alcoholics, drug addicts, lunatics...... does anyone have insight on this ? i would like to know if this is true for everyone. that we attract these kind of people to us. it never happens by chance? this is all very interesting to me. i have had some pretty crappy relationships. i was taken advantage of or abused in some way each and everytime. its like i have a need to be a victim. but not anymore! (im on a alanon high now) lol we will see how i am when the next crisis pops up. there are soooo many different areas of alcoholism that the more i find out about it the more i am fascinated and interested at the same time and i just cant get the information quick enough! i know that this is going to be a looooong self seeking journey and though i know its going to be an emotional one i am looking forward to getting back to the real me...
This is not really a new issue, this opinion has been floating around alanon for as long as I have been in it, and that is over 20 years now.
I have a background in psychology, although am not a licensed therapist and my training is that who you meet has a lot of socio-economic factors as well as situational ones. It is not necessarily a matter of you attracting a certain kind of person, although that too is a factor. It simply is not that simple.
Also, in our stressful rat race society there are a WHOLE bunch of addicts out there, and chances are high you will meet, befriend, date, move in with, have a child with, or even marry one.
I think it is not only a matter of people in alanon "picking" alcoholics, but more like the kind of man you attract based on your lifestyle. If you are still reeling from an ended relationship with an addict and you send out vibes of being victimized and done wrong...you will likely attract men who seem to be able to detect vulnerable hurting women and who will promise you the world and a shoulder to cry on, since that is an easy entrance into your heart, and your bed. Men who think like this are likely to be addicts, at least a high percentage of them. The long term relationship types, who have more on the ball tend to stear clear of obviously hurting and broken down women, since they are healthy and are looking for a healthy and stable person.
So, this running from one addict to another, without space in between, since women are hurting and lonely and looking for a shoulder to cry on, is more responsible for them meeting other addicts.
Most people need to take TIME to recover from any relationsip, much more a painful abusive one with an addict. They need time to recover, stabalize, and learn to be healthy and happy alone (alanon is MADE for this!) not be so desperate for the first man who looks their way and sweet talks them.
I had met my alcoholic husband at a community function and he was VERY high functioning and I had no idea he was an alcoholic. No one else did either, so I dont' believe in that theory that I "picked" him because he drank. I had a boyfriend before that who was a total non drinker and he died in surgery to repair a defective heart valve he was born with. Had he not died, I think we would have married.
But I know others are different. Neither of my parents drank or had any addictions, but I know others who live with alcoholics from the moment they come into the world. Perhaps these people have been conditioned to alcholic behavior and view it as "normal" and so when they see these traits in someone else, they don't notice it, as it seems "normal" to them.
Truly eveyone is different, and there is some truth to picking out to marry someone whose traits you are familiar with. It also matters where you meet a person you are dating. Chances are higher you will meet and date an alcoholic at a bar or nightspot then you will at a church function, although they are EVERYWHERE and you always have to be careful. Still, if you meet someone in an organization which requires frequent social contact that does not allow drinking (church functions), chances are higher you will meet someone there who has a healthy view towards alcohol then you will at a place which encourages overindulgance (bars and nightspots).
Hi Frazzled, I'm with you on having more than one addict/alkie/abuser in my life.
I mean of course the ones I "picked out" for myself to love and fix and take care of me :D.
I think it does happen by chance, and it does happen repeatedly more easily for people influenced by an A early on, like a parent.
All I can speak to is the latter, my parents were classic A and codependent/"victim". One insight I've picked up that seems very true *for me* is that at an early age I confused approval and love, so off into adulthood I went seeking approval, trying to be what the big strong Daddy figure would want.
It kept me "other focussed" rather than self focussed. My self remained rather undeveloped and ignored, which is the perfect woman for an abuser or a really sick addict. We are guaranteed to be gullible, not to trust our instincts or inner voice, and can easily be convinced that nearly everything is our own fault.
A healthy potential partner would not be attracted to such a needy woman, so desperate to please, it would be a turn off. But an angry addict/alkie or abuser?? Peeerrfect!
I know I have a level of tolerance, even comfort, with horrible behavior and abuse. I was raised in this environment.
I'm still learning about myself here. It's quite a revelation, isn't it??
Simple answer is - sometimes. Yes, it is common, but not everyone in alanon has a history of picking A's. The important thing from your point of view is - do you? If so, this is something you can work on - doing your step four can be a big part of this.
If you have a history of mostly happy, mostly stable, mostly long term relationships without addiction in them, and then have hooked up with one A and are looking for help fairly early in the relationship, that means one thing. If your history is littered with alcholics, addicts, gamblers, if you tend to put up with much too much, and then go reeling from that failed relationship into another that turns out, after the glow wears off, to be just the same, then that means something else.
Once can be an accident. Even twice, if separated in time and with some healthy relationships in between, can be an accident. But, if you think you see a pattern, it is there. Trying to kid yourself that it is just bad luck works about as well as kidding yourself usually does. Until you are willing to own your part of what happens in your life, growth does not happen.
