The material presented
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Hi all I am new, and I greatly appreciate all the great advice on this website. Without going into too much detail after 15 years I reached the end of my rope. I said I would stay because of his promise to stop drinking, the kids my fears of being alone, my fear of what he'll turn into. He has been sober for two weeks (baby steps), but I already feel like he is lying, so I am not running out the door, because financially its a little better to stay, but do feel that I will need to start making a plan. Anyone have any suggestions on what to say to the kids.
Welcome to MIP and your recovery. 2 weeks sober is nothing to sneeze at, but as you can tell it is not an instant tranformation is it? The best thing to do for you and your children is what you have already started... reaching out and learning as much as you can about what you are up against.
Alanon is not really centered on just telling you what to do. It is more about healing the effects of living with/or around a loved one with a drinking problem. You and your children have likely been effected by the chaos, the lies, the money issues that are so common with this disease. Thats why they say that Alcoholism is a "family disease".
You don't mention how old your children are, but in general honesty (facts) without blame or talking anyone down is normally the best way to go. Tempering that based on their age, of course.
Unless they are very young... it is likely that much of this is no supprise to them. Children are very perceptive. What may supprise them is that they don't cause Dad to drink.... ever. That its not in your power to control or cure Dad... that he must want to do that himself.
At 10 years old, my son had obvious seperation anxiety with his Mom. She was a functional drinker for years and we all treated her like a child... and he wanted to protect her all the time.
The absolute best advise I ever recieved was to find a meeting, get some literature and post here to talk with people who understand what you are going through. People from all over the world that love you already because they know what its like to be spinning in this chaos. Then, just as others have you will learn to live a healthier life, and have confidence about what your children need to know.
"Let it begin with me" is a slogan in this program ... "it" is the healing and understanding. It is very powerful to really understand that you are not alone... and you can lead a better life weather you stay or not.
I am so glad you are here.... this place has literally saved my life, and we are all pulling for you.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I wouldn't say anything yet because you really don't have a plan and I am a firm believer that children do not need to know adult problems. They can not understand thier complexity. If you decide to leave him or divorce then I would explain that daddy is sick (depending on the age of your children). Children can understand alcoholism if explained correctly to them. If you are confused by whats going on around you then imagine what they will feel. Once you KNOW what you are doing exactly and are stable then explain the situation and let them know they are safe and secure and you are doing what you have to do as a mother for their safety. That's my ESH. My children are 7,6,6 and I have been down this road. :) Good luck.
So glad you posted on this board. I have not left myself due to some of the reasons you mentioned, fear, financial, etc. I hold on to the the promise of alanon that we can be happy whether the A is still drinking or not. So the best remedy for me has been to work this program. Prayers for you. Keep posting and going to meetings.
My son was 5 when our recovery started in earnest. I told him that Dad was very sick, and he had to want to get better himself. Its not like the flu or something. It will take lots of hard work by him. I told him over and over that we can't control Dad, we can't make him get better. He has to do it. I told him he has been sick for a long time, since he was young and thats why sometimes he is mean to us. I also told him that it is NOT ok for him to be mean to us. It is not ok for him to yel, be nasty tempered all the time, to hit. All of this is not ok. I told him that Dad makes himself more sick when he does drugs, and that was not acceptible while he is living in our home, because our home should be a safe place for all of us. By making my AH leave, I showed my son that it is ok to set boundaries and enforce them even against people that we should not have to protect ourselves from, (ie:Dad).
Anyway, he is 7 now and really does understand a lot. I have been careful not to condemn my AH. He is very sick. His behaviors are symptoms of his illness, not because he doesn't love us. I recently explained to him how much his Dad loves him, that he would do anything to help if he was sick, but that he does not love himself that way. Dad has to learn to love himself enough to get himself better. And a big positive is that because I have been honest about Dads' illness, My son already has a strong opinion about drugs. I intend to cultivate this further.
As I reread this I realize that it sounds like a lot, but this has been over the course of 2 years now, of recovery. Basicly I have shared what I felt was appropriate as I have learned these truths myself. It is also helpful to my own recovery to explain this stuff in the simple terms that a small child can understand, as sometimes I learn it better myself that way. As codependents, we tend to make things more complicated than they need to be sometimes.
I hope this helps. Take care of you and those kids.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Best to start the healing with yourself. Learn as much as you can. No harm in working up a "Plan B". That is something many of us do. Some of us end up executing Plan B - Like me - others just have it as a backup in case things don't work out the way they want. Keep coming here and reading / posting. It really does help.
