The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have moved to a place that is not much better than the last place I lived in. The room itself is like an oven and I have had to work really overtime to get it to a place of habitabiity. I feel like I am running on the spot all the time.
One of my neighbors who is a man about the same age as I am has been very very helpful to me during this time. He likes my dog and she seems to adore him. He helped me last night out of the blue to install my air conditioning. This weekend he offered to help me move some stuff to storage.
In the past I would be totally indulging myself with thoughts of running off into the sunset with him. He doesn't drink (that I know of) and remember I have only known him a week. He's a hard worker who puts in quite a bit of overtime. I know what got me to the this place of craziness is because I'm impuslvie when it comes to relationship. I jump in like they are the only person alive. I also live, eat, sleep denial and flight from fear and pain Right now I am overwhelmed with fear, incredible loneliness, sadness and anger at the A. I am also all alone. I have isolated myself so much that the only calls I get are from creditors. I have lost contact with all friends, made no new ones and feel terribly abandoned.
I know the A has not abandoned me. He is hitting a rock bottom that means he is aboslutely on surival and some days he is not on that. He is barely barely making it. I am not doing that great either.
I've always jumped into relationshp when I'm vulnerable. I dont' even know if the neighbor is open to a relationship. As far as I know he was also very very very kind to another negihbor and they are not having a relationship. I know right now in the kind of pain I am in all I can think about day and night is that I want to get marreid, run off into the sunset and not be all alone with it.
So rather than act on it, I'm trying to talk about it. I'm trying to say I don't know how to deal with this kind of pain and loneliness that has really always been there except to live in fantasy and denial. The pain of trying to make something out of nothing is enormous. Yes I am resilient, yes I am moving ahead and yes I will not always be in this kind of pain. I find tremendous relief having my pets with me. No matter what I can cuddle up with them and they are oblivious to the circumstances we are in.
I live, eat breathe fear. What if I lose my job, what if I can't move my stuff. What if the A doesn't make it. What if I get sick. What if.... I can not enjoy one moment of reality I have to run into fantasy about somehow marrying this neighbor tomorrow, suddenly finding the house of my dreams and having no troubles at all. I'm also exhausted from days of heat when the fans I had just basically pushed the hot air around and feeling overwhelmed.
You are right Maresie, it will get better. You will not always be in this kind of pain. You will heal. I believe you are smack in the middle of the grief process. You are grieving the old familiar way, and also grieving for old dreams lost. You will feel better as time is on your side. I know its hard not to borrow trouble with what ifs. Hey, its already better, you are not suffering in an oven now that the air cond is going, right. Things are already looking up just a little. That ought to help you feel better and sleep better, too. Keep the old chin up. You can do this.
Keep to your program. In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I do believe that this program has completely killed my fantasy life. Whenever life got hard I could automatically dive into my fantasy of being rescused and living happily ever after. I tried to comfort myself and my ego with thoughts of my prince comming along and saving me and making it all better. I even tried to have realistic fantasies. Like, he comes along and we work really hard, and have ups and downs but at least I have someone by my side. I don't know if there is anything wrong with having the fantasy. If it brings me some comfort, I'll take it. You are doing great and as alone as you feel you know you have us. I feel it too but I will believe you when you say you know it will get better. And it will get better for me too.
i hope the sharing has helped. it's hard when we ask the higher power for something , because then we have to settle down enough to let him do his best for us. my sponsor told me that when i dont know what to do, do nothing! and nothing can feel very empty. maybe you can do something loving and gentle for yourself right now to fill some of that empty space? even making ourselves a cup of tea can be comforting in times of loneliness. you are part of a loving alanon family stretching out through cyberspace! i'm gratefull to you for being here as i need to talk program now to help myself too. (())
I'm with Serendipity, my fantasy life in terms of a Prince Charming is toast. I do not trust myself and I should not trust myself. I try to look at "me" in terms of a convalescent resting in a nice, quiet sanatorium where life is on hold. I'm learning about myself every single day lately, and most of it is hard stuff to face. I'm resting A LOT, not real comfortable with it, but it's what my body seems to need right now. I'm focussed deep inside myself.
Maybe nothing on the outside looks all that different, but the "guys" are down in the basement rebuilding the supporting structures. It feels like I am not moving forward as fast as I feel like I need to, it doesn't look like a whole bunch is happening.
A person in true denial does not know they are in denial. Mary, I'll take this one exception with your post. You are NOT in denial honey. You are facing yourself and it is painful. But you are so not alone here.
This fantasy for me anyway MUST die, the only Prince Charming's out there are raptors looking for a victim.
I know for a fact if there were a decent, loving single man out there I would be serious bad news . . . for HIM. What could I bring him right now? It's not fair.
Gosh enjoy this help and friendship from this guy. HP provides when we need it, apparently your HP is very concerned that you do not bake to death in your little place! This is a good thing to be happening, a gift no matter how small.
You are what iffing yourself to death and that's not a reality. You are projecting with future fear that may never exist. What for???? You don't have enough problems , you need to invent them for the future? Leave those "what if's" alone and only deal with what is real TODAY. Today you have a place to stay, a place to sleep, a job , your dog and even a nice man offering to help you. Maybe, just maybe, he is simply just a nice man.
breeeaaathe...
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
excellent post which has helped me today, I think you are doing great if this is any comfort to you, its hard to cope with things at times, you are honest, self-reflexive, and I know the crap of the fantasy life, mine is dying too, though I go off on one every now and again,
Tomorrow when you wake up change your statement to " What I have."
The ability to see the sunshine My beautiful dog back A new friend who loves my pet An airconditioner installed to keep me cool. A roof over my head A kind heart The love and support of everyone here at the MIP board whenever you need it.
You may not have a lot of money but you are rich in other ways. Look forward, you have come such a long way already Luv Leo xxx
))