The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The last couple of weeks have been literal hell around here. AH and I have mostly not spoken..I am to the point of just being numb to his crazy ways. It is so bizzare. The anger he has, the insane things he says, the things he destroys....I have come to realize the man I love is never coming back.....unless he finds sobriety. Two weeks ago, we went to see Sammy Kershaw in concert, we were right up by the stage, shook his hand, touched his boots! Sammy was so much fun, and my AH was really nice to me that night. Then Sunday....all hell broke loose, and I can't even remember why.....all the bad times are beginning to run together...All he wants to do is fight and even tho I have learned to not attend every fight I am invited to, it is still affecting me. We didn't talk or sleep together all week. We have not made love in weeks, and it was weeks before that. Saturday I had had enough of the yelling, sulking, threatening, crazy talk. I came home from work early, he was on the computer with the door locked (we don't lock our doors in the daytime when we are home.) Clicked off real quick when I came in..... I went back to see what he'd been looking at....trash. Reallynasty trash. Transvestite stuff.....stuff I never knew he was into.....Made me sick literally. He won't make love with me, but he looks at that weird stuff, real hard core porn. Ewwww. So..................I WENT OUT!!!! I wanted to hear some music, dance, have fun. And I DID! This is kind of dumb, but I left my AH a note, all it said was "I know why D. (his ex-wife) cheated." First I went shopping, got some new jeans. Drove around for a while listening to my Sammy Kershaw and Keith Urban cds. Ended up driving down to the country bar I used to go dancing at with my friends, and AH and I went there on our first date in 1997. I ran into a guy I had a relationship with many years ago. We were friends, it evolved into a sexual relationship, but nothing more, and at that time in my life, it was fine. No ties on each other, just getting our kicks....It was fun, it was hot, and he was always around if I was lonely....oh, heck, we were young then, it's been 20 years ago. (I sure wouldn't do anything like that knowing what I know now!) I haven't seen him in probably 10 years. AH and I don't go out, he's too busy drinking across the street at his bud's. J. was sitting by himself....so.....he kept turning around and looking my way....He knows I am married, so maybe he thought my AH was there too. He knows my AH, they grew up around each other. Partied together, know a lot of the same people. I don't think he is an A....he does stuff socially like I do. I don't know if my AH knows about our "friendship" or not. I think I may have told him when we dated the first time, back in 1986. Anyway, I was walking by his table coming back from the bathroom, and he jumped up and hugged me, spun me around! Said "Oh, I am SO glad to see you! It's been a long time!" Gave me a big smooch! OMG! Those of you who know me know how devoted I have been to my AH. Never thought I would ever kiss another man, even tho my AH doesn't give me more than a little peck anymore. I thought I had forgotten how to kiss! I went back to where I was sitting, pretty soon, he came up and asked me to dance. A slow one. Squeezed me so hard.....said he had missed me......asked where my AH was, I just shrugged my shoulders. (He was across the street getting drunk when I left the house at 4:00 pm) J. said he remembered how much fun we used to have.....in and out of the sack. We ended up sitting together, dancing, laughing. Singing along with the band and acting silly. I only had 2 drinks. Do you know how long it has been since I have had that much fun???? I don't remember when. We were sitting by each other on the same side of the table so we could see the band. He kept his hand by my knee or on the back of my chair. It seemed so nice, so natural. I felt my cold heart melting. Not that I was interested in going any further! And apparently he knew and understood that. We shared a few more kisses. It was sweet, but the old fireworks weren't there. Which is a good thing! He asked if I wanted to get before we drove home. We went to the restaurant next to the bar. Sat and drank cup after cup and talked and talked. He asked what the heck was wrong with my AH. I ended up telling him about some of the stuff going on in my life. I asked J. if he had ever known my AH to be mean, he said NO, my AH was always easy going, liked to have fun. J. told me I couldn't keep living that way. We talked about the old times, gossiped about people we both knew...just catching up on life. He actually LOOKED AT ME, and we had an actual conversation! It was so weird, I had forgotten what that was like. Made me realize how abnormal my life is. How much my relationship with my AH has been destroyed by alcohol. How it is killing him, and draining the life right out of me. Making me old before my time. Just dealing with the everyday crap is exhausting. J. walked me out to my car, kissed me goodnight, squeezed me really tight and told me he went there to listen to the bands a lot, so if I ever needed to get out again, come on down. We could tear up the dance floor! It was cool, because he didn't make any moves like he expected anything more. No groping, no asking me if I wanted to hook up like in the old days. Whew. Because I wouldn't have. It made me feel alive. I have been walking around with a broken, dead heart and spirit. Just that evening made me realize how much I am missing out on. I was so happy to know that I am still attractive, that I am fun to be with...all the things that AH tells me I am not. I checked my cell phone that I had left in the car. He left a voice message that said "How many men are you going to have, you b****!" OMG! He has had no reason to doubt my faithfulness. I would have walked thru fire for my husband! When I got home (at 4:00 am!), my key wouldn't open the door. AH had the lock taped on the inside of the front and back doors so it wouldn't turn, and a desk in front of the back door. I finally got the door open, went in and slept on couch. He was in bed with the TV on, asleep. Next morning, he got up to go in to work, never asked where I had been. Just walked by me laying on the couch. I know he must have smelled the cig smoke on me. Still hasn't asked me anything about where I was for those 12 hours. I went to get on the , he had taken the batteries out of the keyboard and mouse! I took the ones out of the remotes to use. Just some more of his crappy little mean things he does anymore. You wouldn't believe some of the stuff he does. Tore up a grill, threw my compost for the garden all over the yard, ripped the shoe rack off the wall and threw shoes all over.....nothing related to whatever he was trying to argue with me about. He left me a note that said he had been faithful to me....I told him being faithful included not looking at trash, or going in chat rooms (which I think he has been doing, too.) He always brings up my previous marriages, and calls me names. I have been faithful to him, except for kissing my old friend. I hadn't kissed anyone else in 10+ years except for my AH. Wednesday (yesterday) we had to talk, I had my hand surgery. He took me to the hospital, stayed home with me until evening when he went across the street. He did the dishes that had piled up all week, and the laundry. We slept in the same bed last night, but it is like we are room-mates anymore, instead of married. My hand is hurting today, I am off work 2 weeks. We are going to Michigan to see granddaughter on Sat., for 4 days. I don't know why he hasn't asked where I was. Maybe he doesn't care, maybe he doesn't want to know, maybe he is scared of the answer. If he asks, I'm going to tell him it is none of his business....he has left to go stay at his friend's house (his oldest childhood friend and his A wife) before, and not come home, or called. I am feeling my love for him slipping away, that is something I have dreaded. I have been holding on for dear life, because I truly loved him, and I believe he still loves me, underneath the alcoholic haze he lives in. We used to be so close, and so happy. I never thought he would do or say the mean things he does. I think he has blackouts. Last night he tried to use the remote, and asked where the batteries were. I told him I had put them in the keyboard and mouse. He replied calmly that I should have gotten some out of the drawer (there weren't any.) He didn't get all tense and weird like he would have if he thought I was bringing up something he did. I honestly don't think he remembers what he did. Today, I am just trying to heal from my surgery. I am finally realizing that my marriage probably won't last much longer. I feel like I have cried myself out. I am starting over with Step 1. Our house (which we are buying on land contract) will be paid off in 5 years. Until then, it is not ours, we couldn't sell it and split the $$$. So, I am not going anywhere. I have put too much into this house to walk away from it. Have done that before. Too hard to start over again, financially. I don't even know if he will survive another 5 years the way he is going. A 12 pack at least, a day, plus 3 pkgs. of cigs. He just turned 50. So, I am going to continue learning in Alanon. I am going to quit sitting around waiting for him to come home. I am going to start living again. I am going to quit acting like a martyr who is willing to give up her life for her husband. It is not helping him get sober, and it is killing me. I am a human being, I have been a good friend, a good wife, I have a lot to give, and my husband has checked out of our relationship. He is no longer there for me. I am going to keep taking it one day at a time. And I am going to start having fun again. Life is too short to not. Word most likely won't get back to my AH about any of this, and I did nothing to be ashamed of. The way I feel right now, is if it did get back to him, I would own up to it. Maybe what I did was cheating the same way I feel his looking at porn and ignoring me, a wife who loves him, is. And I know two wrongs don't make a right. But that night I felt I had put up with 100's of things my AH has done to me in the last couple of years, and I am only human. I have needs and wants. He is knowingly denying me affection. Seems to get his kicks out of my suffering anymore. Never in a million years did I think we would end up this way. Never. He cut his wedding ring in two a few weeks ago, left it for me to find. I took mine off a couple of days ago. He has not asked where it is. Never thought I would do that, either. Thought I would go to my grave loving only him, not wanting to end our marriage no matter what. Willing to let myself die a slow death, if I could only be with him. And he knew that. Our 7th anniversary is Sept. 9, and he has taken from Sept. 1 to Sept. 9 off from work, so we could be together and do something to celebrate. This was decided several months ago. This should be interesting, to say the least. Love in Recovery, Becky1
I was thinking about this yesterday and this morning on the way to work, reading over old posts and thinking about the day we got married and how in love we were then. Of course when I was with him in the middle of the chaos I quickly forgot all the bad and hung on to the good with herculean strength but now looking back I think about the things I tolerated from him and sometimes it's shocking. Who would have ever thought that the words he has said would come out of his mouth? Who would have thought that I would stick around through it and accept that? I guess at the time it didn't seem that bad but now looking back it seems unbelievable. I'm glad you went out and had some fun. I agree that living with an A can drain the life out of you. I forgot how to be a social person, had no friends, forgot how to even have normal conversations with people. Now, I am getting better, making friends, taking the time to talk with people and you're right, it's amazing how WE change as a reaction to them. I think someone mentioned brainwashing the other day and I really do feel like something happened to me that changed everything about who I am. I realized today that I'm just finding out who I am now. I have always been either with my parents or with an A and never got to experience life on my own. Now I realize that half of me became them. From now on I'm going to be VERY careful to pick someone I admire and want to be like rather than taking whatever comes my way.
Hello dear It is a disease - just remember it. They symptoms are said to make the alanoner sicker than the a as we attempt to guess or outguess that the a must have a motive or outguess the a in thinking we know the motive must b xyz and it is only a disease. It will always be a disease - the symptoms are exhibited in different ways by different people. Heal up your hand get your feet under yourself and stay buckled in or up - you will come to understand the way for your sanity to return to you.
Its all about you and your programme so work it for you. Warm regards, getoverit
I remember finding some of the freaky stuff my ex ah was looking at on the net. He was in a manic phase and that,for him, includes hyper- sexuality. And he acted like it was all ok and normal porn. It was NOT just normal porn. And here I was trying to be accepting, understanding, love him unconditionally. It didn't work for me either. I too, went to find a way to fill my need of companionship, physical affection. I didn't have sex but I did some serious making out. And in the end, it just made me feel guility. I thought if ex ah could do it and be so happy than why couldn't I? Because I am not a crazy mentall ill person. I didn't beat myself up for seeking answers. For me doing what I did made me miss my ex ah even more. He wasn't my ex at the time. Although he was having affairs that I eventually found out about. So, I think it's completly understandable, your need for friendship and affection. Especially when the attention is comming from a man that you once had a connection with. We all need a little romantic drama in our lives when the real drama is so un romantic. I know for me, the years of drug abuse, mental and physical abuse and affairs really killed my love for the man I married. Today he is not even a shadow of the man I knew and loved and married. He has become so completly different I don't recognize him most of the time. Even still, it's so incredibly hard. I miss the man I loved and I have tried replacing him in my heart. Hasn't worked yet, I don't suppose it will. I have to fill that hole myself and that makes me sad. Loving an A is such a very hard thing to do. And even harder NOT to do for me.
Hi Becky, something struck me early on in your post, and as I continued reading I was even more sure I want to share with you what I'm thinking.
This happened to me a couple of different times in my life, it's like this "energy" inside wakes up, it's like a tiger! It's like all of a sudden all this darkness just slides away and I see myself in a new light . . . and I like what I see!
It is a great energy, you DO deserve to live better than this, and IMO that's what this new energy is about. Doesn't really matter "how" you got this going, what matters is that you can use this energy to liberate yourself from the depression and despair of living with the disease.
Tigers shouldn't run amok, and they can't be kept in a cage forever either. This energy is a gift for you. It can mean a whole new beginning for you. It can clear a lot of the fog away so you can see clearly.
Be good to yourself, I think this is really good news :D
(((((Becky)))) your in my prayers to remain strong and diligent in your programme. you deserve to feel joy...like a tigress...lol. just want to give you a(((( BiGhUG )))) .
you wrote; So, I am going to continue learning in Alanon. I am going to quit sitting around waiting for him to come home. I am going to start living again.
Alanon can help keep you keep focused & feeling good about your "self" during these trying times. i pray its in more healthy ways and "lighter" surroundings than a Bar. I fear for you ..knowing that alcoholics (all A's) always try to portray themselves as the one that doesn't have the problem. I know being safe for my own sanity and safety is the best rule.so, instead I try to focus on what is going to be better for me.. like being with Alanon friends and places that make me feel good about my abilities. i love and think you might like.... a class in kick boxin or swing dancin,(its fun!!!) .., or better yet check into a tai kwon do class...lol. it's lots of fun and great people ..hang there. a great "defense" course is super for ones self esteem. and great for gals (really) to help us feel more powerful and independent! it's sooo worth giving it a try.
Take care of You ((Becky))).
your in my thoughts, and i pray your hand heals quickly for ya, so glad to see ya post!
Thanks to all the replies. It is weird, but I can feel myself distancing myself from my AH, more than I ever have. I don't intend to go "out" like that very often.....it's just nice to know I have somewhere to go away from the insanity for a few hours, and just get lost in the music. I always loved listening to a live band, and dancing, but AH and I don't go out because it would cost too much $$$ for him to drink like he does in a bar. It's much cheaper for him at home (or at his friend's across the street). On a good note, he has been working very hard on getting the new siding on our home, it has been in the garage for 6 years!!! House is looking good. I have a very full life...full time + job, being a homemaker, gardening, friends, a baby granddaughter on the way (I am sewing her all kinds of cute stuff...gowns, bibs, a quilt). Jill, in answer to how I typed all that, I just have an incision that took 4 stitches to close, at the base of my thumb. It was for trigger thumb, I have had it for over a year. Very painful condition. My hand is wrapped from just below my fingers to my wrist, so not able to move thumb much...just index finger to hit those keys. Plus, I have lots of pain meds! And when I am frustrated or upset, man, can I type! Sorry I am so gabby. I think the pain meds make me that way. Love in Recovery, Becky1
Wonderful to wake up and feel alive again. Take care of you. You can't do anything for him at this point.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
and even tho I have learned to not attend every fight I am invited to, it is still affecting me.
. We ended up sitting together, dancing, laughing. Singing along with the band and acting silly. I only had 2 drinks.
before we drove home. We went to the restaurant next to the bar. Sat and drank cup after cup and talked and talked. He asked what the heck was wrong with my AH. I ended up telling him about some of the stuff going on in my life. 
, he had taken the batteries out of the keyboard and mouse! I took the ones out of the remotes to use. Just some more of his crappy little mean things he does anymore. You wouldn't believe some of the stuff he does. Tore up a grill, threw my compost for the garden all over the yard, ripped the shoe rack off the wall and threw shoes all over.....nothing related to whatever he was trying to argue with me about.
hUG )))) . 
Alanon. I am going to quit sitting around waiting for him to come home. I am going to start living again. 
like being with Alanon friends 
and places that make me feel good about my abilities. i love and think you might like.... a class in kick boxin or swing dancin,(its fun!!!
) .., or better yet check into a tai kwon do class...lol. it's lots of fun and great people 
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